i'm nesting...not in the preparing for a child nesting, but still nesting. i've cleaned out the cupboards, rearranged and scrapped the dried molasses that's been hardening for weeks. it feels nice. i want to start new though...fully.i'd like to throw out everything and restart. food, clothes, furniture. i have a feeling this is a grieving step of some sort. i don't know..i just feel ready to start over. not that i'll throw anything out...it's just a feeling.

the memorials are still up in the living room. they
still bring me comfort, yet a major part of me thinks it's time to bring them down. but i know they bring steve a lot of comfort and for that i'd keep them up for years if he needs them. but one thing still haunts me. i still haven't picked out a urn for Jorai. i think a part of me simply can't do it. it's the last step. i think another part of me though, the bigger part, just can't find the perfect place for her. i want it to be beautiful and perfect, just as she was. i keep thinking i'll run into it some where. maybe one day i will. but it saddens me for now to know that a silly plastic box holds my beautiful and perfect child.

i can't stay out of Jorai's room. i'm glad it's finished. there are happy memories in there. picking out the paint and then painting, putting together the crib, painting the changing table and picking out the pictures. but my favorite times were watching as steve would turn on the lights and just stare into the nursery. he was so excited to be a father. Jorai is so blessed to have such a loving papa. i'm glad we have her nursery. it's a comfort. i still rock in the chair as i did when she was within me.

as i continue to heal and grow and move on, i want to find new ways to keep Jorai a part of our lives. since losing her, i have heard of so many stories of friends and acquaintances and family members who have lost children by either miscarriage or stillbirths. they hold in their stories it seems, until someone they know would be comforted in hearing about their child. it's their choice to do this. everyone grieves and heals differently, but i choose to bring Jorai with me always. i'm choosing to talk about her and remember her and honor her as a member of our family for all of my days. we didn't know her long, but she is still teaching me about life and love and forgiveness and fear and doubt and most of all Gods grace and love. how can i not scream to the world about such an amazing child we had. she brings me so much joy even though i only held her for a moment.

Comments

Anonymous said…
what if you sprinkled her ashes in places that you and steve hold dear? so that way when you visit those places she can be there with you in a sense. just a thought. maybe she's too precious for an urn, you know?
Phoenix Rising said…
thanks for the suggestion. i'm just not ready to let her go yet. we wanted to find something beautiul and then keep her on a small high, corner shelf in the nursery for a while. i need her in the house with us for now.

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