ironic

the following was written right before my boss came into my office to tell me how disappointed she is of me. not that i didn't do exactly what i was asked to do, because i did and she said so. but she's disappointed with me because i didn't read her mind and do something she wanted me to do. confused? me too. she could have been a decent boss and come to me with her expectations but instead, because i'm not a mind reader, she is disappointed. she hasn't even talked to me since my first day back, how can i disappoint her? oh, yeah, and she flat out told me that she makes my schedule, so instead of knowing my days, know i realize that she can pick any day she wants me to work.

i am so sick of being trashed on. it took everything i had not to walk out of this office. steve and i are going to talk about the possibility of me quitting tonight. not that i want to. i love my job. but how can someone, who hasn't even talked to me about my work since i've been back and admitted that i've done everything i've been asked to do, be disappointed in me. i've only been back to work for 4 weeks, 8 days! give me a break.

and why is it, that the moment i feel a peace, a reprieve, i get bashed in the gut again. i truly feel like giving up today. i've had it.

this is what i had started. i just can't finished it now. i don't have the heart anymore.

i've wrapped my life up around the loss of Jorai and the creation of another amazing newman. i was just thinking about how wonderfully blessed people are around me and wondering why i'm not blessed. i've been wallowing in my sorrow and, well, i'm sick of it. i am so blessed. we lost our amazing daughter and the whole getting pregnant thing hasn't been working out (but those 150 milers might just work this month!) but who cares?!? i'm making a list to remind me of my blessings...

God...He's everything. He keeps me breathing and taking the first step in the morning. He loves me and that's the best feeling in the world.

steve...amazing...he's my husband and he's simply amazing. what more can i say...really i could stop here