sometimes i can't help but to think about what my life would be like today if we hadn't lost Jorai. would i be feeding her or playing with her right now? would she be sleeping and i'd be catching up on some housework? what would we be doing?
pregnancy and child birth is such a beautiful, wonderful event, but it's changed for me. i used to watch that stupid baby show on tlc and cry each time the baby arrived, thinking about how it would be when that was me. now i can't watch it. in fact anything baby, i quick change the channel or page. i see pictures of newborns and wonder what Jorai would have looked like. it's tormenting in a way.
i was the first to get pregnant, and at the time, i wished i had a friend to go through the process with...now it seems like pregnancy and childbirth surrounds me. not that i'm not happy and excited for my friends, because i am. it just feels bizarre. when i was pregnant, i was alone in my journey. now that i've lost Jorai, it seems like i'm alone again.
it's so strange how life works, how God works. i don't understand His ways. they seem backwards to me, but i know that it's me who's backwards. and that all things work for the greater good and that He only will doll out as much as i can take. but today i want to be selfish. today i want my baby back.
pregnancy and child birth is such a beautiful, wonderful event, but it's changed for me. i used to watch that stupid baby show on tlc and cry each time the baby arrived, thinking about how it would be when that was me. now i can't watch it. in fact anything baby, i quick change the channel or page. i see pictures of newborns and wonder what Jorai would have looked like. it's tormenting in a way.
i was the first to get pregnant, and at the time, i wished i had a friend to go through the process with...now it seems like pregnancy and childbirth surrounds me. not that i'm not happy and excited for my friends, because i am. it just feels bizarre. when i was pregnant, i was alone in my journey. now that i've lost Jorai, it seems like i'm alone again.
it's so strange how life works, how God works. i don't understand His ways. they seem backwards to me, but i know that it's me who's backwards. and that all things work for the greater good and that He only will doll out as much as i can take. but today i want to be selfish. today i want my baby back.
Comments
I am the same way about the baby shows. My routine on my days off were to catch the Baby Story in the morning with my cup of coffee. I always cried every time. Now, I can't even see the name on the screen when I am scanning the tube. Even though I am pregnant and hopeful, I just can't watch those shows. I also haven't picked up a baby book. I used to read everything I could about pregnancy and babies. Now I don't read anything. This experience has changed us. We are no longer naive to the reality of pregnancy. Who ever thinks about losing their baby after the first trimester? We all wait for the first 12 weeks to be over and sigh with relief. I am 9 weeks pregnant today and know that I won't sigh relief until I am holding my little one in my arms. With that said, I am thankful for each day that I am pregnant and thank God for this blessing. I read something in a book that I found interesting. The book is about loss and heaven and the author wrote, why do we say we have lost someone when we know where they are. We know they are in heaven, so they aren't lost. I liked that. Our babies aren't lost at all. They are in the most glorious place. I smiled alot yesterday when I thought about Jayden and Jorai playing with Jesus. I know that you and Steve will be blessed with a baby soon. You are amazing parents and I am confident that Jorai will have a baby brother or sister soon. I love you guys.
Tiffany