there are some days where i just want to shut myself within my doors and not come out. as i have said, most of my friends are now pregnant. with one of my friends just having her babies this week, i now know 8 pregnant women. 8. when i was first was just me. then when i was 2 months alone, i heard another riv gal was preggo and then close friend got pregafied. and then they hit. about a month before we lost Jorai they started to come. and i'm really happy for them. it's beautiful and exciting and amazing, but for me, as much as i want to be totally ok with still pulls a bit. it's that constant reminder of our loss.

i want so much to be ok, but i'm not. i see a baby and want to hold them, but i don't know if i could and if i did, what if i started crying? it's holding the baby babies that scares me. man, i crave it. it's all i think about, but i'm afraid to go there again. the last baby i held was Jorai.

and the baby talk. it's constant. and i understand it. i really do. i did it and i can't wait to do it again, but hearing it, pulls. last night i was with a group of 4 girls. i was the only one not pregnant. it was hard. i don't want it to be hard. and i would never want people to be sensitive around me, never, but it was hard.

how can i make this ok? how can i be around a group of pregnant women and not feel like 'that woman'. how do i not ache for what i've lost and can't seem to create? losing a child is something that i truly hope none of you ever have to face. it's something i can't explain. i can only try by saying that it feels like a canon has blown straight through you. you're in pain and empty and there's nothing you can do to forget about it. you notice the loss at every turn, in every day. you want to be ok, but your not. i mean you are...but your not. not fully. there's always that loss, right under the surface.

i am so happy and excited to share my friends pregnancy joys. but i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't jealous of them and still a bit pissed at God for taking my daughter away. these babies that are now being brought into this world...these babies where suppose to grow up with Jorai. Jorai was suppose to be apart of their lives. seeing these babies and knowing that my own will never grow with them, kills me.


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