babies
i keep seeing babies and thinking that's what Jorai would look like or that's how big she'd be...i keep going back there. walking down that road that doesn't seem to end. i look at her picture and am still numb in a way. it still seems like a very real dream. i still can't wrap my mind around all we gained and lost in 1 year. it makes me worry about this baby within me. i want to have a positive attitude. i want to be excited, but it's a nervous excitement. excitement one minute, pain the next. i worry about the future. the 20 week mark, the 28 week mark. will we lose this baby too? will i have to deliver another lifeless child? could i do that? i'm not sure i could go through this again. but i know every pregnancy is a blessing, no matter how long it lasts...but this is hard.
i have the babies book that i haven't even opened yet. 4 days from my 2nd trimester and i haven't documented 1 thing in this child's book. i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i let my pen touch the page, i'll lose this child too. i know it sounds silly, but the fear is there.
i had tummy pains last night. i think there were just normal stomach pains...but of course my mind went there. to the hospital. to the blood. to the pain of holding a lifeless child. and of course every thing was fine. i'm fine. i think the babies fine. i'm just a basket case of worry.
i know the community i live in would say just pray on it, give it up to God...but what i don't think they understand is that i prayed on my last pregnancy, daily. i prayed for her safety and health and development. and, well, that didn't work. and i'm not saying that to say that i don't have faith anymore or that i'm not praying. i'm praying like crazy. but it's hard to trust God to bring my baby into this world screaming, when my last birth was so hauntingly silent with the exception of my husbands tears. that's the thing i remember. steve's tears. man that kills me to remember and type down. but there it is. i fear that. i fear seeing my husband cut the umbilical cord of our child as tear run down his cheeks. that cord, that use to supply our baby with life, but failed. the tears that just keep falling.
i pray that the 2 other women i know who have gone through a loss this year and are now pregnant, have beautiful outcomes. i pray that their babies come into this world screaming and crying and healthy. i pray that for our baby. and for the other mother who lost her child this year, i pray that she is blessed with another pregnancy. i pray that all of our fears can be lessened. i pray that we can fully enjoy our pregnancies instead of being so worried about each pain. which there are a lot of in pregnancy. and i pray for all my pregnant friends who are currently pregnant too. there sure are a lot of them!
a loss like this sucks. it's something i know i'll carry around with me each day. and that's hard. i want to use this loss to help others. i want people to remember Jorai. i want to remember her in the light rather than the cold hospital room. i want her name to shine and want her memory to mean some thing. i want this pregnancy to go well. i want steve and i to have boisterous kids that know their older sister, and know that she was one amazing girl. i pray for all these things.
i have the babies book that i haven't even opened yet. 4 days from my 2nd trimester and i haven't documented 1 thing in this child's book. i'm afraid. i'm afraid that if i let my pen touch the page, i'll lose this child too. i know it sounds silly, but the fear is there.
i had tummy pains last night. i think there were just normal stomach pains...but of course my mind went there. to the hospital. to the blood. to the pain of holding a lifeless child. and of course every thing was fine. i'm fine. i think the babies fine. i'm just a basket case of worry.
i know the community i live in would say just pray on it, give it up to God...but what i don't think they understand is that i prayed on my last pregnancy, daily. i prayed for her safety and health and development. and, well, that didn't work. and i'm not saying that to say that i don't have faith anymore or that i'm not praying. i'm praying like crazy. but it's hard to trust God to bring my baby into this world screaming, when my last birth was so hauntingly silent with the exception of my husbands tears. that's the thing i remember. steve's tears. man that kills me to remember and type down. but there it is. i fear that. i fear seeing my husband cut the umbilical cord of our child as tear run down his cheeks. that cord, that use to supply our baby with life, but failed. the tears that just keep falling.
i pray that the 2 other women i know who have gone through a loss this year and are now pregnant, have beautiful outcomes. i pray that their babies come into this world screaming and crying and healthy. i pray that for our baby. and for the other mother who lost her child this year, i pray that she is blessed with another pregnancy. i pray that all of our fears can be lessened. i pray that we can fully enjoy our pregnancies instead of being so worried about each pain. which there are a lot of in pregnancy. and i pray for all my pregnant friends who are currently pregnant too. there sure are a lot of them!
a loss like this sucks. it's something i know i'll carry around with me each day. and that's hard. i want to use this loss to help others. i want people to remember Jorai. i want to remember her in the light rather than the cold hospital room. i want her name to shine and want her memory to mean some thing. i want this pregnancy to go well. i want steve and i to have boisterous kids that know their older sister, and know that she was one amazing girl. i pray for all these things.
Comments
i will pray for your new baby too.