babies

i was able to hold a 9 day old baby last night. i can't begin to explain the joy that was. i mean, i've held other babies before i lost Jorai, but none of them made me feel this way. i got to hold an other baby earlier in my pregnancy as well, but i think because tomorrow i hit my second trimester and some of my worries are gone, holding that baby made me realize that there is a huge possibility that in 6 months, steve and i'll be holding our 1 week old child. looking down at that little miracle, feeling her weight and warmth, helped me to realize that it's still possible for us.

when that baby was placed in my arms, a spark ran through me. later, as i tried to sit and listen to the message at riv, my mind was rushing with excitement and wonder of what may lay ahead of us in a few short months. i was excited. an excitement that didn't have dread attached to it. just pure life. and breath. and warmth and weight. i could have held that child for hours.

last night in my dreams, i had another dream that steve and i had a baby girl. this time she had blond hair, but it was still curly and long. ohhh and teeth. too funny. it may had something to do with a little girl in church last night. she reminded me of what Jorai may have looked like, but she had this fine curly blond hair.

baby sex predictions as of this afternoon...i think it's a girl...a little selah mae??? or will it be a boy? a little asa or asher paul?

my bets are on a girl today.