joy

i cannot express to you enough, how breath taking it is to feel this baby moving within me.  the stillness of Jorai still haunts me.  knowing something was wrong in june, no movements for a while...but not wanting to grasp the reality of her loss.  it's hard to describe being so elated one moment and so empty the next.  my belly, although held our child since september, still felt empty to me until i started feeling movement.  it wasn't that i wasn't excited to be pregnant, or looking forward to this child's birth...it was just that i went from a beautiful pregnancy in may to utter despair and stillness in june.  from june until january, i was healing and then trying to conceive and then the realization hit that i was pregnant...so i was excited and filled with joy yet anxious and scared and uneasy.  all of those things, i still am...but my belly is different.  my belly, is no longer still.  

as i was sitting here, remembering my baby girl and looking through grief support pages, the child within me kept tapping me...as if to say, 'don't worry momma, i'm still here!'.  the stillness has left.  that brings me a joy that i can never describe, yet wish i could share it with every one of you.