nervousness
most of the time, this baby is a mover and a shaker. but on days like today when i haven't felt movement yet, i get freaked out. each second seems like an eternity as i sit here waiting to feel the child move. i poke and prod myself, trying to get movement, but still, nothing. i know i'm being a basket case. i'm only 21 weeks along so i'll feel movement some times and nothing at other times, but to be honest, my mind always goes to loss.
the idea of losing another child haunts me. the thought of losing this child is ever present in my mind. i see other pregnancies progress and internally think that will never be me. i know that's a crappy thing to think about. but it's true. i'm excited for this pregnancy. i look forward to meeting this child and kissing their warm skin. but there are times that creep into my mind where i think it won't happen. that there will be another still and silent birth. i hate feeling this way. but with every cramp or stillness, that's where my mind goes.
i wish i could push these thoughts away. i want to be positive all the time. i want to have faith that all will go well. every day, i want to look to the future and imagine the nursery filled with the smells and sounds of a child. most days, i'm positive. but there are some that haunt me to no end.
i saw steve staring into the nursery this morning. when i asked him what he was thinking, he admitted that his thoughts were on Jorai and how we designed this nursery around the dreams of her. it was the first time he had talked to me about her in months. it reminded me that his thoughts are still with her. though he may not speak of her often, she's still with him. his thoughts gave me both comfort and sadness at the same time. comfort that Jorai is still in both of our hearts. that he still thinks of her. and sadness, remembering painting and setting up the nursery. picking out the crib and diapers and pictures...those were suppose to be hers. and though they will be her brothers or sisters in june...they were originally hers. and she never got to see this room, feel it's softness and know her parents.
the pain is still so fresh. it hides well, but then out of nowhere it resurfaces. it's been almost 7 months since we've lost her. 7 months. some days it feels as if it were yesterday, while others seem like it's been years. and as another child grows within me, i'm excited once again for the possibility of mothering a child. watching steve father a child. he will be such an amazing father. i can't wait to see him look down at our child with tears of joy rather than tears of sorrow. i can't wait to see him look at our child with his huge teethy smile. nothing would be better than to see him in that moment. i need to hold onto that dream. the dream of seeing his face. the face of wonderment and excitement with a small spattering of 'oh crap, what do we do now?'. i need to let go of my fears and hold onto his face. the face i hope to one day see.
the idea of losing another child haunts me. the thought of losing this child is ever present in my mind. i see other pregnancies progress and internally think that will never be me. i know that's a crappy thing to think about. but it's true. i'm excited for this pregnancy. i look forward to meeting this child and kissing their warm skin. but there are times that creep into my mind where i think it won't happen. that there will be another still and silent birth. i hate feeling this way. but with every cramp or stillness, that's where my mind goes.
i wish i could push these thoughts away. i want to be positive all the time. i want to have faith that all will go well. every day, i want to look to the future and imagine the nursery filled with the smells and sounds of a child. most days, i'm positive. but there are some that haunt me to no end.
i saw steve staring into the nursery this morning. when i asked him what he was thinking, he admitted that his thoughts were on Jorai and how we designed this nursery around the dreams of her. it was the first time he had talked to me about her in months. it reminded me that his thoughts are still with her. though he may not speak of her often, she's still with him. his thoughts gave me both comfort and sadness at the same time. comfort that Jorai is still in both of our hearts. that he still thinks of her. and sadness, remembering painting and setting up the nursery. picking out the crib and diapers and pictures...those were suppose to be hers. and though they will be her brothers or sisters in june...they were originally hers. and she never got to see this room, feel it's softness and know her parents.
the pain is still so fresh. it hides well, but then out of nowhere it resurfaces. it's been almost 7 months since we've lost her. 7 months. some days it feels as if it were yesterday, while others seem like it's been years. and as another child grows within me, i'm excited once again for the possibility of mothering a child. watching steve father a child. he will be such an amazing father. i can't wait to see him look down at our child with tears of joy rather than tears of sorrow. i can't wait to see him look at our child with his huge teethy smile. nothing would be better than to see him in that moment. i need to hold onto that dream. the dream of seeing his face. the face of wonderment and excitement with a small spattering of 'oh crap, what do we do now?'. i need to let go of my fears and hold onto his face. the face i hope to one day see.
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