pregnancy loss resources

i was on one of my favorite organic baby sites today when i realized they had items to 'help comfort' women who have gone through a loss. i thought it was really cool. i then started poking around and found that this site, that i've been on tons of times before, have a whole listing of loss resources. one of them was now i lay me down to sleep, which is an amazing organization that will come to you and take professional photos of you and your child for free. also on their site, is a page that helps give you ideas of how to help someone grieve. that was one of the biggest questions we got after the initial wave of grief had left, 'what do you suggest people do if someone they know goes though a loss?'.

every one is different. every one deals with loss differently. my brother, for example, never came to see us. in fact, he didn't call us for over a week and then he just tried to make jokes. he later told me that he was too bust with his 1 yr old. we haven't had the same relationship since. just recently, one of his best friends was in a car accident. his wife and son where really hurt and are currently in wheelchairs. sadly, his daughter died. this happened a week before Christmas. my brother didn't go to the funeral and my mom had to pressure him to call his best friend to offer his condolences. i guess why i'm telling this is to say that this is NOT the way to handle death.

steve and i just struggled with talking to someone who went through a loss. our immediate words where...'what do i say?'...and then it hit us, it doesn't matter what you say. it matters that you picked up that phone, or typed that email, sent a card, brought a meal. it matters that you care enough to say 'i'm so sorry, you're in my thoughts and prayers.' that short simple statement, that's a great start.

i can't tell you how much it means to me when i hear that people are still praying for us. the pain we felt, losing our daughter was raw and all consuming. and all i can truthfully say, is that without God, my husband and all of our family and friends praying for us, i seriously don't think i would have made it. my loss still pains me. but all those thoughts and prayers continue to pull me through.

so i thought that since i found this site and people and even myself are always asking, 'what can i do?', i figured that i needed to share it. so, anyway, if you're interested, here are ways to reach out to someone who has gone through a loss.

The list below has been compiled from the hearts of the bereaved parents of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Here are some thoughts and ideas of what to say and/or do for a grieving parent and family...

• Please don't tell me you know how I feel, because you don't, unless you too, have also experienced the death of a child. And if you have, please share your story with me, and be patient as I share mine. ~ Cheryl Haggard, Maddux's mommy
• The most helpful thing people said to my wife and me during that time was, "You're in our prayers." Knowing that we were in the hearts and prayers of friends, family, and even strangers, was one of the few comforts we felt. ~Damon Fecitt, Aidan's daddy
• Please don't avoid us. I know it's hard to know the right words to say to me right now. But, just being there for me so I can cry on your shoulder, means more to me than you'll ever know.
• Please let us know that the death of our baby affected you, also.
• Please let me share my story with you. Over and over again if necessary. Sometimes, I need to keep going over the details until they seem real.
• Please send us a card, so we know that you are thinking of us and that we are in your prayers.
• If we have other children, please remember them, also. They are grieving, too. Offer to take them on an outing, because we still can't face the reality that "life goes on."
• If you are running errands, please call to see if we need anything.
• Please arrange for meals for our family. Something that can be frozen for later would be preferable.
• Please remember our baby on her birthday. Mark the birthdate of the baby on your calendar so you can send a note or call. I have found that when friends call and say, "I thought of Marah today." it makes me smile. Just to hear the name of my baby or to see it in print gave me some comfort. ~ Deb Stoner, Marah's mommy
• Offer to come over to throw a load of laundry in the wash, or other light duty house work.
• Give a gift certificate to the families favorite restaurant, preferably with no expiration date, if possible.
• Give a gift basket just for mom. Bubble bath, shower gel, stress relieving soaks, candles, etc. Or lounge clothing and a box of chocolates or other sweets.
• Get something for the other children (if applicable) like a gift basket of age appropriate toys, coloring books, reading books or even DVD/VHS movies.
• Purchase a special ornament or figurine with baby's name on it. ~ Cheryl Haggard, Maddux's mommy
• If you think about giving us a call or stopping over for a visit.... don't think about it, just do it. I can't tell you how many people I've had come up to me and say, "I wanted to call you or stop by but...." ~ Tammy Becker, Chase's mommy
• Please do not tell me that my baby is in a better place, how could anywhere be better than in my arms.~ Estrella Estrada, Anthony's mommy
• It always seems awkward when someone asks how many children I have and you're not sure if you should say the living number or include those who have passed. Sometimes it is just easier to say the living number to avoid the awkward look or questions. But, then I wonder, who is it really easier for? It's definitely not easier on me and why should I make someone else's life "easier" when I am going through so much pain? ~Tina Denzer, Isaiah's mommy
• Truthfully, one of the most memorable things I received as a gift after my son died was a gift certificate for a tree. I picked out a birch and we have it in our backyard... it is a beautiful tree that is doing well. ~ Jessi Hill, Tristan's mommy
• As much as you may want to comfort a family member or friend and make the tears stop, unfortunately there is nothing that can be said or done. Just being there for us, and letting us know you are thinking about us, not wanting to run away when we shed our tears truly means a lot. This is a difficult task to ask of you, but it also lets us know that you care. ~ Tammy Becker, Chase's mommy