weepy worship

we haven't been singing worship much...either we're greeting or communing with friends, but tonight we made it a point to go in and worship before noel taught.  which was amazing by the way!!  both before and after the teaching, songs made me break down.  it all started with the song 'blessed be His name'.  i was fine until the words 'He gives and takes away' hit my lips. here i stood.  pregnant.  baby kicking me as i sang and realizing that He gave us this child just as lovingly as He took our last.  it was heartbreaking and breathtaking at the same time.  it was at the moment that i remembered how much He loves me. which doesn't make sense to many people....i mean how many someone love me and take my child from me at the same time.  but i just know that He does.  it just makes sense to me.  and though i want my beautiful little girl in my arms right now, she's in heaven.  she won't ever feel the harsh realities of this world.  she'll never know the darkness, the evilness.  she'll forever be pure and she gets to bask in the light of Jesus's face...which brings me to the second song that got me...all my tears by julie miller.  ugh.

as hard as it is for me to remember my loss and feel the burn of the tears stream down my cheeks, it's amazing to me that it's also in these times that i feel the warmth of Christ holding me tight.  it's in these moments that i realize, if it wasn't for Him, i'd be crumpled up like a lost little girl, shivering in pain.

yeah, my daughter Jorai was taken from me and that sucks and it hurts and well, it pisses me off to no end.  but my little girl is with the one person that i love and trust more than anyone. she's in the warmth light and i will be with her again.  and as much as it hurts to have lost her, God blessed me with 7 glorious months with her.  though those 7 months were short, they will live with me for a lifetime.  

i absolutely love how God can use everyday things, like songs, to make us remember what is truly important in this world.  somehow He can bring you back to the basics, break you down and build you up in one fail swoop...all in the confines of a simple song.  

pretty freakin' amazing.