28 weeks

so, we're here. 28 weeks. in 3 days i'll be right where was when i stopped feeling movement. in four days we'll be at the same point when we found out that we had lost our little girl. what's interesting is that during my last 28th week, i had to get my blood drawn on a monday which is exactly where i was today at 9am, getting my blood drawn. then it was on wednesday i had my last dr's appointment where we heard her little heart beating for the last time. i have a dr's appointment this wednesday too. weird.

i have a feeling that this weekend will be pretty hard for me. i have a feeling that i'm really going to be conscious about the baby's movement. it was on a saturday that we made the dreaded drive to the er. i was bawling the entire time. this saturday afternoon may be really hard for me.

steve and i are going out to dinner on tuesday to celebrate the 28th week milestone. it was our dr's suggestion. as part a remembrance and another part a celebration. we've made it. but, for me, we haven't made it through yet. it's silly really. this mark i have in my head. as if something was going to happen it would be at the same time as last. silly. it could happen all the way up to delivery really, and i know that. but there's something about the 28th week mark. will i feel better next monday when we're 29 weeks? or am i just setting myself up for disappointment?

we've hit the 3rd trimester. we're in the last leg. i remember last may how excited i was to hit the 3rd trimester and see the end. we were so excited. so scared! but so excited. and i'm excited again. i'm excited for my baby's birth. i'm excited to watch this child of ours grow and learn and teach us! but there's 12 more weeks of waiting left. there's 12 more weeks of possible cord accidents. 12 more weeks of checking for blood and waiting for kicks and just plain apprehension.

i want to be excited. only excited. as i was last time. ignorant to the statistics. ignorant to the pain. blind to the tears and sorrow. i wish there was a way to place the knowledge of stillness on the shelf, just for the next few weeks. i want to take in every moment of this child within me. i want to look forward to the birth with excitement and not worry. i need to pray for that.

last night in bed, the feeling of loss came over me like a wave. the sights of the cold hospital room, Jorai's delivery, holding her. i haven't reenacted those moments for months now, but they hit me out of nowhere. the coldness, the quiet, the tears. hearing my husband cry. why did these thoughts come to me again? why do they haunt me? why do they come out of nowhere? i had to shake my head to get them out. i went to God for shelter and He protected me. i pray that these thoughts give me a reprieve for the next few months. i want to think positively about kix. i want to only visualize this child's delivery as a joyous and very loud experience. i want to visualize holding a warm, wet, wiggling baby, with open eyes and a loud voice. i pray that i can push away the horror and accept the dream. i pray that in june the quiet of the nursery will be filled with sounds and smells. i pray that in june, we'll be blessed to have a child fill our hearts and home.