little miss Jorai

i've been thinking lately about how i can include Jorai on our correspondence...like birthday, Christmas, thank you cards...when you have a family, most cards are from the whole family, but how do you include a child that's no longer living? how do i include and honor a child i love so much, without making people sad or uncomfortable? before asher, i didn't feel the need to include her name, but since we now include asher on our correspondence, i feel like we're ignoring our sweet Jorai Mae. like she's not a part of our family. and that makes me sad.

i'm thinking of including a small heart before ashers name. something that i'll know what it means, but others may just think it's a heart. just something small to recognize Jorai's life. to recognize her as still being a part of our family, as a big sister and daughter who's dearly loved and missed.

i know it may sound silly, but to me, it's just another way to keep Jorai alive in our hearts and minds. things like this are such a slippery slope...i know there are times i make people uncomfortable and other times people make me feel uncomfortable. i have to remember that all people hold onto memories differently...we all deal with loss differently and we all hold things dear to us differently.

my mom wears a necklace with metal kids that represent all her grandchildren. one of the meta kids is a little baby with a halo that represent Jorai. my niece likes to point that one out and proudly exclaim that the one with the halo is her baby cousin Jorai. it breaks my heart, in a good way, every time. this summer, my mom painted the side of the woodshed, that holds the tree fort. she wrote all the grand kids names on it. Jorai's was not written. that broke my heart, in a bad way. though i know she meant nothing by it...it's only the little things i have to hold onto now. like the small heart placed before ashers name in the correspondence we send out.

it may be small, but to me, it's such a big thing.

i sure miss my little girl.