who's that girl?
lately. i've have a rough go identifying with myself. so much has changed in the past 6 months. more than i ever thought would change, has changed. and it's a wonderful thing, motherhood. but finding a balance between the old kim and the new one is daunting at times.
it's not the lack of a job. my employment has always sustained me, not driven me. it's more of just me. my everyday being. my spiritual being. my romantic side, my silly side, even my serious side. they've all shifted.
i'm tired. all the time. some days i don't feel tired, because i think i've gotten used to it. but i'm tired. exhausted really. i laugh, but the deep belly laughs don't come as often. i miss that. the romance has left entirely. my creativity and drive to research has left. i feel like a rundown version of kim. my mind is a haze.
last night, after getting 4 hours of sleep the night before and already having to calm asher down twice before 11, i broke down. asher woke up and started screaming, which is unusual. i was exhausted. i tried everything but he kept on screaming and i broke. i stood there, in a dark nursery, holding a screaming child and i started bawling. the tears felt good streaming down. it was a release. i wanted to put asher down in his crib and just fall to a heap on the floor. i just wanted to rest my head. the crazy thing was that all of a sudden, i wiped my tears, looked down at asher and he was asleep in my arms. maybe sobbing should be a new trick of mine to get him back down.
he then slept from 1-6, so i feel functional today. but it just got me thinking about me. i know this time is a season. the newborn season. i know things will settle down and i'll see a little bit of the old kim come back around soon...i just miss it. i miss delving myself in my ministries as i used to. i haven't greeted in months. i miss it. but right now, with asher's bedtime, i just can't.
finding my new life lines have been difficult. living for 31 years without a child set me in my ways. i love life as a mama. please don't get me wrong. my son rocks my world. he brings me a joy i have never known. the adjustment is just hard. i keep looking back and seeing what my life was, what my marriage was and how different it is now. i want to be able to combine the two someday. i want to feel comfortable and content in my new shoes. i want to make sure i'm where God wants me to be and doing what He wants me to be doing.
and well, i want sleep. and yet asher just woke or the second time tonight. for reference, he's been down for an hour and 40 minutes...i have a feeling it's going to be another rough night.
it's not the lack of a job. my employment has always sustained me, not driven me. it's more of just me. my everyday being. my spiritual being. my romantic side, my silly side, even my serious side. they've all shifted.
i'm tired. all the time. some days i don't feel tired, because i think i've gotten used to it. but i'm tired. exhausted really. i laugh, but the deep belly laughs don't come as often. i miss that. the romance has left entirely. my creativity and drive to research has left. i feel like a rundown version of kim. my mind is a haze.
last night, after getting 4 hours of sleep the night before and already having to calm asher down twice before 11, i broke down. asher woke up and started screaming, which is unusual. i was exhausted. i tried everything but he kept on screaming and i broke. i stood there, in a dark nursery, holding a screaming child and i started bawling. the tears felt good streaming down. it was a release. i wanted to put asher down in his crib and just fall to a heap on the floor. i just wanted to rest my head. the crazy thing was that all of a sudden, i wiped my tears, looked down at asher and he was asleep in my arms. maybe sobbing should be a new trick of mine to get him back down.
he then slept from 1-6, so i feel functional today. but it just got me thinking about me. i know this time is a season. the newborn season. i know things will settle down and i'll see a little bit of the old kim come back around soon...i just miss it. i miss delving myself in my ministries as i used to. i haven't greeted in months. i miss it. but right now, with asher's bedtime, i just can't.
finding my new life lines have been difficult. living for 31 years without a child set me in my ways. i love life as a mama. please don't get me wrong. my son rocks my world. he brings me a joy i have never known. the adjustment is just hard. i keep looking back and seeing what my life was, what my marriage was and how different it is now. i want to be able to combine the two someday. i want to feel comfortable and content in my new shoes. i want to make sure i'm where God wants me to be and doing what He wants me to be doing.
and well, i want sleep. and yet asher just woke or the second time tonight. for reference, he's been down for an hour and 40 minutes...i have a feeling it's going to be another rough night.
Comments
it's tough, kim. really tough. anyone who says otherwise is lying.
I've started to feel bits of me coming back - and I try to grab hold of them when I can, because it's few and far between feedings and wakings and diapers and bathtimes that I actually can sit and "hang out" with my old self.
For the record - I like you a LOT - and I didn't really know the pre-Asher Kim at all. So you're still pretty much a rockin' cool gal.
Great post. Keep on truckin, friend.
but i've been struggling to figure things out for NOW...like there are important things that i wabt tp talk to ben about - not in font of gabe, and not when we're both so tired that we have a communication meltdown...I'll let you know if i figure something out :]