afterthought
have you ever felt like you're just an afterthought?
lately, i've felt as if i'm invisible. i feel used and abused. i hate it. i'm fighting the feeling. i have been for awhile. i love being at home. i love watching asher grow and learn and i truly wouldn't want it any other way. i say that with all sincerity and honesty. but lately, i don't feel like a wife or a friend or a sister or daughter. sometimes i don't even feel like mama. i feel like a rug. i nurse and change and feed and change and dress and clean up puke and pee and poop off the floor. i change and wash and do dishes and make dinner and clean up the dishes and do more cleaning and do the laundry and change...then i nurse my son to sleep and breathe a sigh of relief for 15 minutes before i clean and fold and stuff diapers and organize...the list goes on and on.
i was telling steve the other day how i'm feeling more like his roommate than wife. and i know this is a phase. i know things will settle down, but yesterday and today, i've had enough. i'm empty. i feel like i can't take take another minute....but then asher looks at me and smiles or zerberts or kisses me or i hear him laugh in the other room.
a part of me wants to hire a maid. is that horrible of me? we would never be able to afford it, but that's what i want. it's not taking care of asher that's draining me, it everything else. it's knowing if i don't do all the crap i don't want to do tonight, it will double tomorrow. let alone knowing that company will arrive at 9:30am and if i don't pick up, the house will look like crap. maybe i just need an attitude adjustment right now. i haven't had a day away in months. not even a 3 hour break. i'm going shopping tomorrow...not that i need anything or can afford anything, nor do i even really want to shop, but i have to get out of this house. maybe it's just winter and the fact that it's so much harder to get outside. i don't know.
whatever the reason, tonight i just feel like crying. i feel like a good cry would feel wonderful. steve's leaving for some party, so when he leaves, i'm going to stuff my face with brownies and wine and then crawl into a steaming hot shower and cry.
i don't like feeling like this. i feel like a complainer. like i don't feel blessed for what i've been given in life. i do feel blessed. i'm just wasted. emotionally, physically. i'm mrs. cranky mc'crankers and i hate it. i'm a snarky lil'crabgrumpkins and i need to snap out of it. how do i let it all go? i'm usually so easy going, but right now, not so much. what's going on with me? being a mama is so hard.
lately, i've felt as if i'm invisible. i feel used and abused. i hate it. i'm fighting the feeling. i have been for awhile. i love being at home. i love watching asher grow and learn and i truly wouldn't want it any other way. i say that with all sincerity and honesty. but lately, i don't feel like a wife or a friend or a sister or daughter. sometimes i don't even feel like mama. i feel like a rug. i nurse and change and feed and change and dress and clean up puke and pee and poop off the floor. i change and wash and do dishes and make dinner and clean up the dishes and do more cleaning and do the laundry and change...then i nurse my son to sleep and breathe a sigh of relief for 15 minutes before i clean and fold and stuff diapers and organize...the list goes on and on.
i was telling steve the other day how i'm feeling more like his roommate than wife. and i know this is a phase. i know things will settle down, but yesterday and today, i've had enough. i'm empty. i feel like i can't take take another minute....but then asher looks at me and smiles or zerberts or kisses me or i hear him laugh in the other room.
a part of me wants to hire a maid. is that horrible of me? we would never be able to afford it, but that's what i want. it's not taking care of asher that's draining me, it everything else. it's knowing if i don't do all the crap i don't want to do tonight, it will double tomorrow. let alone knowing that company will arrive at 9:30am and if i don't pick up, the house will look like crap. maybe i just need an attitude adjustment right now. i haven't had a day away in months. not even a 3 hour break. i'm going shopping tomorrow...not that i need anything or can afford anything, nor do i even really want to shop, but i have to get out of this house. maybe it's just winter and the fact that it's so much harder to get outside. i don't know.
whatever the reason, tonight i just feel like crying. i feel like a good cry would feel wonderful. steve's leaving for some party, so when he leaves, i'm going to stuff my face with brownies and wine and then crawl into a steaming hot shower and cry.
i don't like feeling like this. i feel like a complainer. like i don't feel blessed for what i've been given in life. i do feel blessed. i'm just wasted. emotionally, physically. i'm mrs. cranky mc'crankers and i hate it. i'm a snarky lil'crabgrumpkins and i need to snap out of it. how do i let it all go? i'm usually so easy going, but right now, not so much. what's going on with me? being a mama is so hard.
Comments
Unfortunately, that means I don't have answers for you - but I do have empathy. Big, deep, wide empathy.
Hang in there, chica. I think you're doing great!!
it sucks...but at least there are some perks :)
Joel and I had that same conversation two weekends ago. So go enjoy yourself tomorrow.. get out and get refreshed. Drink a great drink, eat some yummy dessert, splurge and buy yourself something that you normally wouldn't -- even it if it's not that expensive. All momma's need a break -- especially in the dreary Michigan winter!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I was feeling so alone. As if I was just a selfish, bitter woman. It means so much to me that others feel this same way at times. I talked to my mom today and she told me there were many times she felt the same way too. I guess it just comes with the territory. But, seriously, thank you all. I almost didn't post this note because I felt like a complainer. I'm glad I did.
You are all wonderful friends and mamas.