2 weeks

It's been 2 weeks since to heard those words again. No heartbeat. 2 weeks. It seems like months ago, yet only seconds as well. How can that be? How can time seem so slow yet so fast? 2 weeks.

I still look pregnant. I see people looking down at my belly and wondering...Nothing fits. I have to wear my pregnancy pants and all my shirts show a pooch. I hate this. It's like a cruel joke. It's like someone is saying 'hey, let me take your child from you and I'll make you hurt like you've never hurt before, make you bleed for weeks, and everyone will still think you're pregnant because you'll still look that way.'.

Thanks.

I saw two girls at church tonight. They looked like they were 2ish and 4ish. I ached for my girls to be with us. Asher kept going up to them during worship to show off his dancing skills. He continually sat next to the older girl. I could only imagine him sitting next to his older sister or trying to teach his younger sister to dance. These are dreams that will never come true and it kills me. I wonder if I'll always feel this way. When Asher is 5 or 10 or 16 or 28..will I still be wondering what he missed out on? Will I still picture him with 2 sisters? Sisters he won't meet until the day he dies...which I truly hope isn't for a long, long time from now. I just can't stop thinking about all we've lost. All 5 of us. It just sucks. Plain and simple.

I keep trying to hold onto the idea that both of my girls were taken for a reason...but there's just no reason right now that seems to make sense to me or helps take away the pain. How do you rationalize something like this? There's just no making sense of it.

In Asher news, he warms my heart more each day. His kisses seem to melt away more of my bitterness each time he plants a slobbery mess of a kiss on my face. He's been cracking me up lately with his new dance moves, and tonight he surprised Steve and I by spending the entire service in RivKids. He walked into the room himself and had a ball...He didn't even cry when I came to pick him up! Crazy boy, I love you so.

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