ah ha...

In responding to a friends email this evening I think I had a small breakthrough. I've been so angry that I can't see straight. My emotional cup is so full that one more ounce of any sadness or anger or frustration, is too much for me to handle. Most days, though I'm sad, I'm OK. But when the moments come where my cup is running over...I crack a bit.

When I was grieving Jorai, I had Christ to cling to. And it was that relationship that truly saw me through the grief. When Selah died I let go of Christs' hand. I couldn't allow myself to lean on Him. I could barely utter His name...I still can't...and without that relationship, I can't see straight.

There's just something with my relationship with God that I can't let go of. The trust has melted away...the ability to see through my loss and hurt and see His love, has vanished. The warmth of my faith has frozen over. Maybe I need to blame someone for my losses...I don't know. I just know that without Him, I'm having a hard time seeing the light.

I want to forgive God...I want to talk to Him again, but there's a wall that I can't scale over. I think that's my main issue. I want to let the anger go, but it's clinging to me. How do I let the anger go. Did God play a part in all of this? I don't know. I'll never know, until I can ask Him myself. But what I do know, is that He's waiting for me, to help me...to carry me, to hold me, to heal me. I know this. But my anger is preventing that relationship. My anger is separating me from the One who can truly help me.

I know all of this now...I just don't know how to get there. I don't know how to forgive him. I don't know how to let Him in. I don't know how to let go of the anger.

Maybe this was the first step.