empty
I forgot how empty I felt after losing Jorai. I was lying in bed last night and for some reason, as I stretched out on my back, I instinctively placed my hands on my now empty belly and I instantly remembered how empty I feel. Totally and utterly empty. My womb is silent. There are no kicks. No flips. No little baby bottoms trying to push their way out. Just emptiness.
The past few days have been surprisingly 'easy'. We've been having more friends visit and the days just don't seem so hard. Of course I still miss Selah, and Jorai, tremendously and the hurt is still so painful. But everyday life seems to be getting easier. Which in a way brings it's own sense of guilt. I was incapacitated for so much longer after we lost Jorai...there's a part of me that thinks, why aren't I hurting as badly? But then I remember that there are so many different factors this time around. The pain is still real and sorrow still sweeps in, but it's different. I now have a toddler to love and laugh with. That helps. Most times. Maybe I'm still just so numb to her loss. I mean, who carries and delivers 2 dead babies in 2 1/2 years?
But then the sorrow sweeps in, like it did last night...as Steve lay sleeping, I laid awake, remembering all the joy, all the movement I used to feel. Now I just feel numb. Almost void of all sensation, all joy. At that moment, I just felt empty. Still. Hurt.
The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that maybe I am just numb right now. Every time I think about Selah, I think...'No...that never happened. You just weren't pregnant.' I just can't wrap my mind around carrying and delivering 2 dead children. When we lost Jorai and then conceived and delivered Asher, I thought, 'OK...we can do this. What happened to Jorai was just a 'fluke'...we can really do this!'. I never thought it would happen again. Never. But it did. I just can't wrap my mind around the realization that she's gone. My third child, my second little girl is gone. It's just so wrong.
Can someone please wake me up from the nightmare now?
The past few days have been surprisingly 'easy'. We've been having more friends visit and the days just don't seem so hard. Of course I still miss Selah, and Jorai, tremendously and the hurt is still so painful. But everyday life seems to be getting easier. Which in a way brings it's own sense of guilt. I was incapacitated for so much longer after we lost Jorai...there's a part of me that thinks, why aren't I hurting as badly? But then I remember that there are so many different factors this time around. The pain is still real and sorrow still sweeps in, but it's different. I now have a toddler to love and laugh with. That helps. Most times. Maybe I'm still just so numb to her loss. I mean, who carries and delivers 2 dead babies in 2 1/2 years?
But then the sorrow sweeps in, like it did last night...as Steve lay sleeping, I laid awake, remembering all the joy, all the movement I used to feel. Now I just feel numb. Almost void of all sensation, all joy. At that moment, I just felt empty. Still. Hurt.
The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that maybe I am just numb right now. Every time I think about Selah, I think...'No...that never happened. You just weren't pregnant.' I just can't wrap my mind around carrying and delivering 2 dead children. When we lost Jorai and then conceived and delivered Asher, I thought, 'OK...we can do this. What happened to Jorai was just a 'fluke'...we can really do this!'. I never thought it would happen again. Never. But it did. I just can't wrap my mind around the realization that she's gone. My third child, my second little girl is gone. It's just so wrong.
Can someone please wake me up from the nightmare now?
Comments
I'm so glad you found me...I found you after you lost Jet and my heart ached for you. I cried so many tears for you and your 3 precious babies. I totally understand why you removed your blog, but I've missed following your life. I hated reading your posts, but I loved them at the same time. My heart ached for your losses and at the time, I could never image your pain...unfortunately, now, I think I can feel a bit of it. Jet passed just a month into my pregnancy with Selah and I remember calling my mom, sobbing for a family I've never met. I just can't tell you how torn up I was for you.
I think of you and your family so often. I pray and hope that you're finding some peace in the tragic losses of Freyja, Kees and Jet.
Know that there are SO many people out there who love your family so. Please keep in touch. The only thing I can hold onto...the only thing that makes sense of why we lost our beautiful babies, is that there has to be a reason. Maybe that we could meet, or help one another or other people...I don't know...I just know that we can honor and love out babies from afar by at least keeping their spirit alive and their way too short lives 'alive' in our hearts and lives.
Mirne, you're a beautiful, strong woman and my heart calls out to you. Thank you for finding me and thank you for your condolences. You're family is in my heart and on my mind.