The joy of being a turtle

I often wish I was a turtle. More so while I'm traveling down the sorrow lined path. But I've always envied the ability to hide within one's self. I've mentioned before how Asher has found toddlerhood. How he's found temper tantrums and the word 'NO!'...which of course he has to say 3 times...3. How he also found his 'independence' and tests it on a minute to minute basis.

Today I wish I was a turtle. I want to pull my head back into my hard shell and escape from reality. I want to hide in the dark and quiet. I want to protect myself and retreat. I want to hold up my little white flag and surrender.

Asher woke at 6:30 this morning...and since a good night sleep for him requires a wake up call of 7:30-8:30ish...I can assure you that this morning has been FILLED with anger, crying...no...wait...sobbing, tantrums, and many a times where I've about lost it...it's just one of those mornings. One in which I would like to place him in front of the TV or lock him in his room or place him downstairs as I run out of the house screaming.

And I know that this all has a lot to deal with my, all to full emotional cup...I know I can only handle so much, but this is just too damn hard. I want to be a good parent, but I'm failing miserably. I'm yelling too much...I'm losing my cool too much and this whole toddler independence thing has really come at the wrong time. Which is just another slap in the face if you ask me. I mean, can I have a freakin' break? Why does life have to become shittier and shittier as the minutes pass? Why does it have to get harder and harder and not let up. One thing on top of the other makes people break. So who's trying to break me? and why?

As I type, my son, who I really to limit his tv time, is watching pbs. He's sitting right beside me watching tv. Why? Because if I don't get a break from the screaming and disobedience, I'm going to snap. If I get bit, or pinched, or slapped one more time, I'm going to bite or pinch or slap back. If I get told 'NO!' one more time this morning, I'm going to leave him in the house and go outside for a walk.

We have a playdate at 10:30 and the time can't get here fast enough. I'm gritting my teeth as the minutes pass and that really pisses me off. I want to enjoy my son. I want to enjoy being a parent. I want to teach Asher and be gentle with him and nurture but I'm failing in every area. I'm failing. And that makes me miserable. I mean, here I am blogging while my son desperately wants my attention, but I just can't do it right now. I'm an empty vessel. All I feel is darkness and sorrow and frustration and ugh. I'm just a failure.

Today sucks.

Comments

Tali said…
The best part about this blog space is the frank openness and honesty we can all share and relate to. I often find that once I type it out and hit publish, I feel better within a few hours or a day. I hope that was the case with you re: your comments about feeling like a failure. Kim, I woke up with a sore throat and cold this morning and was dreading caring for Luci, feeling I couldn't give my all. And I get a "break" by being able to sit a a desk today after the few hours we spent together this morning. Your circumstances in life are MUCH greater than a measely cold and you have the right to feel like crap. Just know you are not a failure and keep repeating to yourself "I am doing the best I can." Because you are, in fact, you are doing better!!!!

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