Judge not, want not.

I want to get to a point where I'm not judging every one's life, every one's joy. I want to look at my life and know that although I've gone through a ton of heartache and sorrow that I still have a kick ass life. I have so many blessings. An amazing husband who is supportive and loving and patient and kind, a wonderful son who some how makes my cheeks hurt everyday from smiling so much, a loving and supportive family and such a huge circle of amazingly awesome friends. We have good health and laughter fills our household. We have so many blessing and love to share. The 3 of us are happy. We're truly happy and we love each other so much. I need to hold onto that. I need to focus on that. And by NO way am I wanting to push Jorai or Selah's memory off to the side, I want to honor honor them and share their lives. They will always be a huge part of our lives. We'll celebrate their birthdays, celebrate "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day on October 15, "Día de los Inocentes" (Day of the Innocents) on November 1st and their stockings will be hung each Christmas. They will always be celebrated and loved and wanted here on earth, but I also don't want to long for a future of more children. I just don't know how to get there. How can I want to be able to give Asher a living sibling, yet not want to long for it, only think about it and judge others for having it?

Last night a friend stopped over with her little girl and we had an impromptu bath time play date with the kids. As Asher was sharing his toys and bath with this 7 month old little girl, all I could think of was how lovely it would be if he could have this every night, every day. It would be so wonderful if he could share his life, every day with another child. But for now, that's not going to happen and I need to be OK with it.

The moment I heard Asher scream for the first time, my heart changed. I no longer longed for something. I was content. And though we wanted to get pregnant again, I never longed for it. I knew it would happen. We've never had fertility issues. We're actually surprisingly fertile. And as usual, we got pregnant right away and I was happy...nothing really changed. I was content with Asher, and I stayed content with my pregnancy with Selah. But the moment we lost Selah, I instantly lost my contentment. I started longing for the child we lost, the future we lost, the hope we lost. I instantly became jealous of my friends who had 2 + healthy. loving children. I started judging all the families that I 'thought' didn't 'deserve' their children. I started wondering why some were given child after child or why children are born into poverty, abuse, or not a loving home...you name it, I judged it. I judge it. It's hard not to. And I know it's a normal grieving process. But I'm sick of it. I can't keep thinking 'why' and 'what if' and 'if only'...I need to remember that my family and friends rock. My husband loves me and my son. My son's healthy and lovely and happy. My husband has a job. We have good health. I get hugs and kisses on a daily basis. I'm told 'I love you' all the time. My life is filled with laughter and love and support. I live a good life. I have love. I give love. I feel love. Yes, my heart aches. Yes, I've lost. I've lost twice. And that sucks. It sucks hard. And it's hard to go on at times. It's hard to smile at times. It's hard to breathe at times...but it's harder not to love. It's harder not to kiss my husband. It's harder not to laugh with my son. It's harder not to live and enjoy my awesome life with my family and friends.

So yeah, my life is hard right now. I've lost 2 baby girls who were amazing and lovely and I miss them every day of my life. And that sucks. big time. But that's the life that I've been given. For whatever the reason, this is the road Steve and I must walk down. But I'm not going to let it destroy me. I'm going to let it define me...in a way...because then I can honor my girls. I can use this pain to help others...in some way. I'm going to let it define me in the sense that I'm going to let Asher define me and Steve define me and God define me. But it will not destroy me. It will not taint my spirit or love or hope. I'm not sure how to achieve this, but I will. It may be a cloudy, dark and dreary day today, but I know that some day, the sun will start breaking through the clouds and the warm rays will hit my face and warm my soul. Contentment will come my way again. I will believe again and I will feel hope return to my life.