Promises are shit
Sorry for the lewdness...but back in my high school and college days I used to listen to a lot of Fugazi. One of their songs was called Promises are Shit. It was a favorite...
Last night as I was driving home from a friends house with Asher, I was telling him how we were on our way home and when we get there we'll take a bath and read books and sing songs and nurse...and he said 'papa?'. I had to explain to him that papa wasn't going to be there but that he'll get back while he's sleeping and that he'll see papa tomorrow. I promised him.
One of the hard parts of losing someone you love so tragically, is that all your ignorance goes with them. For instance, I will never enjoy another pregnancy. I'm no longer ignorant to what can happen. I can never think...'oh, that was a once in a lifetime fluke.'. I can't sit there and think at any given moment that all will be OK, because I now know better. I thought I would actually enjoy my pregnancy with Selah...and I was...but then...reality hit.
Last night I realized that I'll never be able to say 'I Promise' without knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot promise anything and deliver it 100% of the time. As horrible as it sounds, the minute I said 'You're going to see papa tomorrow buddy. I promise', I thought 'what if Steve got into a car accident on his way home and didn't survive?'. I can't promise that Asher will see his papa. I have no control of it...obviously. My promises are shit. They're meaningless. I mean, in a way they are at least. They're just words. I may truly to be telling him the truth the way I see it, but I can't guarantee that my promises will play out.
Losing someone you care about in such a sudden, tragic and all too soon way really changes every aspect of your life. In a way, it rapes you of your innocence...your rosey perception of the world. As much as I want to be a positive, optimistic person, it's really hard to be after going through losses like ours.
Last night as I was driving home from a friends house with Asher, I was telling him how we were on our way home and when we get there we'll take a bath and read books and sing songs and nurse...and he said 'papa?'. I had to explain to him that papa wasn't going to be there but that he'll get back while he's sleeping and that he'll see papa tomorrow. I promised him.
One of the hard parts of losing someone you love so tragically, is that all your ignorance goes with them. For instance, I will never enjoy another pregnancy. I'm no longer ignorant to what can happen. I can never think...'oh, that was a once in a lifetime fluke.'. I can't sit there and think at any given moment that all will be OK, because I now know better. I thought I would actually enjoy my pregnancy with Selah...and I was...but then...reality hit.
Last night I realized that I'll never be able to say 'I Promise' without knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I cannot promise anything and deliver it 100% of the time. As horrible as it sounds, the minute I said 'You're going to see papa tomorrow buddy. I promise', I thought 'what if Steve got into a car accident on his way home and didn't survive?'. I can't promise that Asher will see his papa. I have no control of it...obviously. My promises are shit. They're meaningless. I mean, in a way they are at least. They're just words. I may truly to be telling him the truth the way I see it, but I can't guarantee that my promises will play out.
Losing someone you care about in such a sudden, tragic and all too soon way really changes every aspect of your life. In a way, it rapes you of your innocence...your rosey perception of the world. As much as I want to be a positive, optimistic person, it's really hard to be after going through losses like ours.
Comments
The fears certainly color my world in a rainbow of yuck...I long for the days when I was naive that the worst could happen. There was much freedom in that innocence.