thoughts

Is it wrong to want to get pregnant right away? Does that diminish Selah's life? Her memory? I don't want to diminish her life. I want to glorify it. I want to honor her. But I also want get this genetic testing under way so we know what we're dealing with and then if we can get pregnant and deliver another healthy baby, I want to do it.

It's actually kinda strange. I was excited to have Selah in our lives, but I
was also so scared to have 2 babies under 2. Now, after losing Selah, I can't wait to get pregnant again. I want to give Asher a sibling. I don't want them to be so far apart in age. I want, I want, I want...yeah, I'm complaining...My ears are bleeding just typing this...but it's all so hard. And it hurts hearing that people are pregnant. I mean it's wonderful, but it's also a stab in the gut.

And what's hard is knowing that people have baby after baby, or have a baby, but never wanted a child, or that can't afford their child, or whatever...why do they get a child and I don't. And this is such a whiny thing to even say...but it's what comes into my head...I keep thinking about that lady who had 8 babies and already had 6 children...all we wanted was 2...I don't know. Why give a crazy gal who can't afford her babies or give them a father 14 kids and yet you take 2 of my 3 away. I don't know...it just sucks.

I keep thinking how I want to know what's wrong with me or Steve that keeps killing our babies. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to find out our options and see what the future holds for us. Can we get pregnant? Do we have to go through IVF? Are our dreams to give Asher a sibling hopeless? Should we be thinking about adoption? I just want to know what we can do. I need something to grasp onto...anything. I hate this waiting and not knowing and thinking that there was something I did or didn't do that killed my children. ugh. It was so much easier with Jorai since we thought her death was just a 'fluke'. It brought a bit of peace knowing that we could start trying to conceive right away. Now after losing Selah and knowing that there is definitely a issue, we know we have to wait on doctors and it's just so hard. So hard.

Comments

Wendy said…
Kim --- I do not think it is selfish to want to start trying for another soon. You will keep Selah's memory alive, just as you have Jorai's. Don't give up your dream of giving Asher a sibling.

Also remember that your blog is your place to let out your emotions and process what you feel, so let it out and don't feel bad about what you say. If you need to whine, whine. If you need to shout, shout.

Love ya!

Popular Posts