conflicting feelings

Most days I wake feeling OK. Asher and I go about our day as usual. We're happy and laughing and hopefully playing with friends. We are really enjoying our life. But then it hits me. Feelings of anger. Feelings of loss. Feelings of anguish. They come from nowhere. They feel like a slap in the face.

Today I have feelings of jealously with excitement intertwined...a girlfriend delivered her baby today. It was a girl. Yay for healthy, pink, warm, beautifully chunky baby girls. So cool. But within the excitement and joy, I feel the pang of all I've lost. My ears ring with the silence of it all. My arms quiver with their emptiness. My eyes sting from tears. My belly aches to be pregnant again. My heart longs for resolution.

I wrestle with my feelings everyday. They ebb and flow. Back and forth. I feel the moment I take one step forward, I immediately stumble two steps back. It's tiresome. I long for answers and hope. I feel as if my feet are cemented in uncertainty.

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