frustration

I just can't stop thinking about all of this. I feel so hopeless. I can't figure out why the 'counselors' at MSU genetics were so rude. I can't figure out why after 1 test for Steve and 2 for me, they'll just give up, throw their arms up in surrender and say 'There's just no answer for your daughters deaths.'. It doesn't make sense. And then, I looked at some paperwork they gave me yesterday. The packet included information on;

• pregnancy over 35,
• what a stillbirth is, will it happen again and how to respond to people going through a loss,
• preconception health care,
• a brochure on folic acid, and
• cystic fibrosis carrier testing

Number 1. I'm not pregnant and I'm not over 35..yet. Why would they give this to me.

Number 2. I think I know what stillbirth is. And yes, it happens twice...I know this as fact. And yes...I think I know how to respond to those who've gone through a stillbirth...but right now, it's me going through it.

Number 3. If what you are telling me is correct...I won't be able to get pregnant again, so why the hell do I need preconception health care?

4...Again...not pregnant...what do I need folic acid?

and 5...Cystic fibrosis? We never spoke of cystic fibrosis in our conversation. It doesn't seem that CF causes stillbirth...again, what the hell?

And then all the double talk. Why make us feel as if we were lying about the reason we believe our children passed. Why makes us feel as if there is absolutely no hope in finding a reason for their deaths. Why watch me cry and not offer a tissue? Why walk out and not even say goodbye...not even tell us to check out.

I don't know. It just doesn't make sense. I felt as if they had it out for us. As if they were mad at us for not performing more tests on our babies, for not looking more at Selah, for listening to our doctor and not questioning every little thing. I'm just confused and frustrated. I keep finding medical professionals who don't give a rats ass about what we've gone through. They're insensitive. They talk down to us, make us question things you have no control in changing and simply make us feel like the worst parents in the world. I don't get it.

We went into that appointment happy. We were talking about getting lunch afterward. I thought we'd have a good discussion and ideas about what could have caused our babies deaths. But there was none of that. We talked about our family history, which we could have sent them prior to the appointment and then they talked about all the things we could test for, but won't and then would continually put down the knowledge of our doctor and her staff. I left the appointment heartbroken and angry.

I just don't know. I'm at a loss. I feel beat-up on. I feel knocked down time, after time, after time. I'm going to talk to my doctor. I'm going to try to see someone else...maybe another geneticist, maybe a perinatologist. I don't know...just someone. Someone who will listen to me. Someone who will show some compassion and try to find us some answers. Someone. Someone who won't give up on my girls. On me.

I just don't get it.