genetics sucks and prayers seems useless.
I was placing all my hope in one basket. What I didn't know, was that one basket didn't have a bottom.
Our genetics appointment, I believe, was a complete waste of time. As I've already mentioned, Selah's samples came back telling us nothing. So we couldn't talk much about her...although it seems as if doctors like to make people feel as shitty as possible by telling them over and over again what a shame it is that we never sent samples of Jorai...or that we never got an autopsy of her or a more thorough one of Selah. As if we can turn back time. As if we can make them rise from the dead so we can change the decision we made. Looking back, I wish we did do things different. But when you trust and listen to your doctor..and when you're gutted, you do what you're told most times. With Jorai, we 'knew' it was a fluke. With Selah, we were told and we listened that it was genetic thing...we believed these things...we held them as truth.
From the prospective of the genetics counselor we spoke to this afternoon, the death of our daughters isn't a genetic thing. They're only going to run 2 tests on us, but they don't think we'll see anything. They gave us no hope. None. They were cold when they talked to us. They didn't even offer me a tissue when I started to cry. When I asked if we could run more tests just to see if anything shows a problem, they laughed...I don't think they were laughing at me, but laughing at our situation isn't any better. Here I am crying...laughing won't help.
To top it off, our OB doctor told us that the umbilical cord, where it attached to Selah, was extremely small...she told me 'the size of a toothpick'. The person that performed Selah's autopsy, never mentioned that...you would think that would be something that would have been mentioned. Why wasn't it? And so the genetics counselor was almost questioning my doctors observations. And of course I never looked at Selah's cord so I couldn't help. I don't know why I didn't...I don't know why I didn't at least look at her body. I regret it. But I can't take it back.
So yeah. I'm at a loss again. We're at square one. I'm mad. I thought we'd get answers today, but we got nothing but frustration. I'm really angry. We may never know what happened to Jorai or Selah. When the counselor told us today that they don't have a genetic reason why we've lost 2 babies, I said that it seems really strange that we had 2 girls, both with cord issues pass away. Her response was, 'yeah, it sounds like something is going on'...yet they won't give me a battery of tests. I'm just frustrated. I'm hoping that we'll have a answer some day soon, but I really believe we'll never have any answers. And that sucks.
Which brings me to prayer. I've been really thinking about prayer lately. I want to pray. I want to pray for answers. I want to pray for strength. I want to pray for health and Asher's health. I want to pray for my girls. I want to do something. But I just can't bring myself to pray. I wasn't able to put my finger on why I've been so against prayer since losing Selah. But then a week ago, it hit me. What's the use? I really started asking myself, 'why do we pray?'. I mean, God's plan will ultimately play out no matter what we pray. No matter what we want...no matter how feverishly we pray, His will, His plan will always play out. So, do we pray simply for the communication with God? And if so, why do we ask Him for anything? He already knows what we want...He knows what we are so hopeful for...yet most times, those prayers fall on ears that don't change the course of life. And maybe in the His infinite plan of things, what He wants is best...maybe we'll all see that greatness one day. But for now, I can't see the point. I prayed so hard for the health of Selah...and if He had to take her, to please just take her prior to 20 weeks...and I feel like such a selfish little girl to even say this, but if I prayed so feverishly for that...why should I pray for anything? It's not as if what I'm praying for will happen, unless it's what He wants. So, is prayer simply used for communication and intimacy with God?
I don't know...I know this is all over the place. I'm just lost. I'm just broken. I can't see the point of anything anymore. I love my husband. I love my living child and I want to be here every day for both of them. I want to be my best for them. But there's a part of me that wants to give up. I just feel so beat down. One thing after the next. I can't figure out why I'm getting beaten over and over again. It just sucks. I'm just broken. I'm not sure I can take anymore...and even this makes me feel like a selfish little girl...I mean in the huge scheme of things, we have it pretty good...but still, I can't take much more. So here's what's going on...
Our genetics appointment, I believe, was a complete waste of time. As I've already mentioned, Selah's samples came back telling us nothing. So we couldn't talk much about her...although it seems as if doctors like to make people feel as shitty as possible by telling them over and over again what a shame it is that we never sent samples of Jorai...or that we never got an autopsy of her or a more thorough one of Selah. As if we can turn back time. As if we can make them rise from the dead so we can change the decision we made. Looking back, I wish we did do things different. But when you trust and listen to your doctor..and when you're gutted, you do what you're told most times. With Jorai, we 'knew' it was a fluke. With Selah, we were told and we listened that it was genetic thing...we believed these things...we held them as truth.
From the prospective of the genetics counselor we spoke to this afternoon, the death of our daughters isn't a genetic thing. They're only going to run 2 tests on us, but they don't think we'll see anything. They gave us no hope. None. They were cold when they talked to us. They didn't even offer me a tissue when I started to cry. When I asked if we could run more tests just to see if anything shows a problem, they laughed...I don't think they were laughing at me, but laughing at our situation isn't any better. Here I am crying...laughing won't help.
To top it off, our OB doctor told us that the umbilical cord, where it attached to Selah, was extremely small...she told me 'the size of a toothpick'. The person that performed Selah's autopsy, never mentioned that...you would think that would be something that would have been mentioned. Why wasn't it? And so the genetics counselor was almost questioning my doctors observations. And of course I never looked at Selah's cord so I couldn't help. I don't know why I didn't...I don't know why I didn't at least look at her body. I regret it. But I can't take it back.
So yeah. I'm at a loss again. We're at square one. I'm mad. I thought we'd get answers today, but we got nothing but frustration. I'm really angry. We may never know what happened to Jorai or Selah. When the counselor told us today that they don't have a genetic reason why we've lost 2 babies, I said that it seems really strange that we had 2 girls, both with cord issues pass away. Her response was, 'yeah, it sounds like something is going on'...yet they won't give me a battery of tests. I'm just frustrated. I'm hoping that we'll have a answer some day soon, but I really believe we'll never have any answers. And that sucks.
Which brings me to prayer. I've been really thinking about prayer lately. I want to pray. I want to pray for answers. I want to pray for strength. I want to pray for health and Asher's health. I want to pray for my girls. I want to do something. But I just can't bring myself to pray. I wasn't able to put my finger on why I've been so against prayer since losing Selah. But then a week ago, it hit me. What's the use? I really started asking myself, 'why do we pray?'. I mean, God's plan will ultimately play out no matter what we pray. No matter what we want...no matter how feverishly we pray, His will, His plan will always play out. So, do we pray simply for the communication with God? And if so, why do we ask Him for anything? He already knows what we want...He knows what we are so hopeful for...yet most times, those prayers fall on ears that don't change the course of life. And maybe in the His infinite plan of things, what He wants is best...maybe we'll all see that greatness one day. But for now, I can't see the point. I prayed so hard for the health of Selah...and if He had to take her, to please just take her prior to 20 weeks...and I feel like such a selfish little girl to even say this, but if I prayed so feverishly for that...why should I pray for anything? It's not as if what I'm praying for will happen, unless it's what He wants. So, is prayer simply used for communication and intimacy with God?
I don't know...I know this is all over the place. I'm just lost. I'm just broken. I can't see the point of anything anymore. I love my husband. I love my living child and I want to be here every day for both of them. I want to be my best for them. But there's a part of me that wants to give up. I just feel so beat down. One thing after the next. I can't figure out why I'm getting beaten over and over again. It just sucks. I'm just broken. I'm not sure I can take anymore...and even this makes me feel like a selfish little girl...I mean in the huge scheme of things, we have it pretty good...but still, I can't take much more. So here's what's going on...
- Steve and I are getting a genetic test...I'm not sure really for what.
- I'm getting a anticoagulant test, which I've already had with Asher and it came back normal..but whatever.
- I need to talk to my OB to see if having an appointment with a perinatologist would help answer some questions.
- I'm not sure if we'll ever try to have another baby. I want to. But I can't lose another baby.
- I'm lost. Broken. I'm fed-up.
Comments