I'm surrounded by them

Before I blog, I want to say, that I would hate for people to watch what they say to me. I would never want people to treat me different because I've lost babies.

In saying that, I'm am having a really hard time with certain things...and I'm surrounded by them. I hang with mama's. I hang with people who talk about pregnancy and want to get pregnant and who are pregnant...and I meet mama's who ask: 'is this is your only child', or 'do you want more children', or 'when are you thinking about getting pregnant again?' It seems as it's every day I'm in a situation where I get 1 if not more of those questions. And again, I don't want people to not talk about things with me or around me, but it's just so hard.

Today at a playdate, a new gal was asking everyone if their child was the only child they had and if they wanted more...yadda yadda yadda....thankfully I was up changing Asher's diaper and for once, I lingered in that task. I wanted to ignore the situation. I just wanted to slink out. I didn't want to go there. Not for several reasons. I know my friends would have instantly felt bad for me. And then I would need to make the decision to either gloss over the loss of my daughters to not make the person asking the questions feel bad for bringing it up, or bring it up and go through the whole process of telling them what happened and if we have answers and blah, blah, blah.

This surrounds me. It's a constant reminder of all I've lost. It's a constant stabbing pain. To see my pregnant friends is both wonderful and painful at the same time. To read their posts on feeling their babies move within them is both joyful and painful. I miss feeling Selah move within me so much...seeing my friends holding their warm, rosey cheeked little hour-old miracles is amazing and I'm so excited for them, but wow...it hurts. It pains me beyond belief...beyond words.

And I would never want to be excluded from good news, or photos or videos or parties...but it's there. The pang of lost. The devastating horror that surrounds me. The silent screams of death. My heart is shattered and I feel it will always be. It may be glue together a bit...the empty spaces, duct taped to hold it all together, but it's still shattered. I know time heals the initial horrid filled blackness, but for now, I live in this semi-normal life. I'm functioning, breathing, eating, even laughing more than crying. But it's still there. The darkness. The ache of loss. The emptiness.

I remember after having Asher...holding him and feeling his warmth, my world changed. I remember feeling happy. I remember thinking that although I couldn't hold Jorai or watch her grow or laugh with her...that I was OK. I miss that feeling. After losing Selah, I feel I'm right back where I was almost 3 years ago, in a way. I mean, I have joy...I have Asher. I laugh daily with him and his blessing in my life is amazing. I'm thankful every second for his presence in my life. But I also have this all consuming loss. I also have a unknown future in regards to children. It's all so hard. I just feel so broken still. I feel so lost.