Too much loss.

Working on our babyloss website is both exciting and depressing. I'm so excited to create something that may help others and creating a spot to share my girls with the world is beautiful...but hearing all of the stories of loss, reading all of the hurt, 'meeting' all of the babies who were taken too soon...it's just all so devastating. In each site, I meet another grieving mom, I meet her child...some long, lanky and born way too soon...some chunky and pink faced, born right on time, but left all too soon..babies...beautiful babies. I hear the mom's pain, her longing. I feel her grief, as it's my grief. I've been there. I am there.

Each site I visit, brings me to a dozen more. Story, after story, after story. One child after another. So many babies. So many families broken. So much hurt and pain and anguish. So many.

There's just so much pain. It's hard to read it all. But I want to. I want to read their child's story. I want them to know that their child is touching another person's life. I want their memory to live on, because that's all we have...our child's memory. It's just so hard.

And with all of this, all I can think of is how much I miss my girls and how much I long to be pregnant again. I feel like I'm in this wind tunnel of grief, joy and unanswered prayers. Sadness and tears and anger and fear and emptiness...happiness and laughing and loving and joy...nothingness and waiting and silence and stuck. Round and round I go. A whirlwind of emotions.

I wish I could get off this merry-go-round.