Chancing pregnancy.

When I think of trying to find a solution as to why we lost our baby girls, I think of House. I picture Steve and I, sitting in a room with all these brilliant doctors who diligently work endlessly, until they find a cause to our losses and solutions to end them. But alas, that's not the case.

We had our appointment at UofM this morning. I went into it knowing that we'd leave with no clue as to why Jorai and Selah passed, though hoping I was wrong. I wasn't.

What we know:

• I'm in amazing health...carrying a few extra pounds, but genetically 'normal' and after being tested for a whole litany of diseases and markers, I'm amazingly healthy.
• Steve is genetically 'normal'
• We are not related...yes we've been asked that a few times. Really...we're not...not even a little bit.
• We gave birth to two, still baby girls and one, VERY loud and wiggly boy.
• Both girls had something funky with their umbilical cord.
• Both girls were otherwise beautifully formed and did not show any type of malformations.
• All three of my pregnancies were perfect and without complication.

What we don't know:

• Why we lost Jorai.
• Why we delivered such a healthy, boisterous boy.
• Why we lost Selah

What our choices are:

• We could give up and embrace a future with one living child in our life and it could be beautiful. Truly beautiful.
• We could adopt. And I think that could be beautiful as well. It's not exactly what we wanted for our family, but I think it could be beautiful.
• Or...we could try again. We could get pregnant and walk through the valley of the shadow of death...and see what happens....It could end tragically...or it could be beautiful.
  

Steve wants to try again. There's a part of me that wants to try too. There's another part that's scared shitless. I think we would be going into it differently this time. We were 100% ignorant when we were pregnant with Jorai...with Asher, I was ready to lose him every day, but then again with Selah, we were thinking it would never happen to us again. We officially had our bubble burst one cold day in December. We now know, that we are exception..not the rule. We don't fit the mold. We'll know this time, that we'll either have another boisterous baby...or we won't. Knowing that going in, may help...though I'm not sure. It will still be gut retching if we lose another child. It would still tear me into even more pieces...and I'm not sure how much more I can be torn apart. Would I be able to recover from another loss, or would I be forever lost?

But I think I need to chance it. I don't think that I could go on and live my life, knowing that I could, possibly have another biological child...Asher could have a sibling.

So that's where I am. In limbo...once again. We have no answers and I hate that. I truly hate it. But what I do know is that we can have a living child, and I just don't want to give up yet. This could all end up in such a horrible, terrible, black filled abyss that it petrifies me...but it could also end up with my husband, son and I bringing home another member of our family, not in a cold plastic box...but alive, and cooing and crying and beautiful.