feeling sad

I've been having a loss of words lately. I'm not really sure where I stand...where my emotions are or how I even really feel. But today, as I was trying to sort and pack up all the clothes that no longer fit my sweet boy, I ran across a bag of baby girl clothes. Some were given to me and others were pieces I purchased as I knew I was pregnant with girls. I went through each shirt...each sweater, each pair of pants and the lone pair of flowery sandals. I looked at how dainty they all were. How pink and frilly they were. And all of a sudden it hit me again...all the clothes I was packing up of Ashers, I have memories of him wearing. His shoes were all worn on the toes. But the little girl clothes all had tags...they had no memories attached to them...they had no scuffs or tears or stains. And they probably never will.

I packed each and every piece of girl clothing in a bin, knowing that I should probably put them in the the garage sale pile. But I just couldn't. I couldn't.

I feel a bit weepy tonight. I keep think what my life should be like right now. I should be exhausted because I've been up all day and night with a hungry little newborn girl named Selah. I should be surrounded with diapers and ointments and sweet newborn smells. I should be hearing quick breathes and feeling a warm, wiggly body laying against me. I should be feeling and experiencing so much...but I'm not. I should be seeing Asher dote on his little sister...bringing her treats and kissing her, just as I see him doing with his other little friends...but I don't. And that makes me sad.