Trust

I've been thinking about this for awhile and was never really sure how to put it to paper, so to speak, so bare with me.

I have a lot of fears with pregnancy and even with Asher still. Obviously I have my reasons. It comes with the territory. I worry each day that I'm losing this child. I look for blood stains and I question the fact that I still haven't started getting nauseous yet. I still check on Asher all through the night, almost shaking him awake to make sure he's not sleeping too soundly and won't wake up. I know...I'm neurotic. I worry all the time. I blog about it sometimes, but in honesty, I don't blog about half my fears as I know the answer I'll get. And in a way, I hate typing these posts because I would hate for people to take them the wrong way...I appreciate words of advice and wisdom...I truly do. But there's one that just never sits right with me. 'Trust the Lord'

I think if there's anyone out there that truly can trust that the Lord's will, will prevail, it's the one's who have held their child, cold and limp, in their arms. If there's one thing I know...God's will...His plan, will unfold in my life. I've seen it. In good times and bad times. No matter how hard I pray for my wants, it's His desires that will be seen. I know this more than anything else.

So what exactly are people trying to say when they tell me to trust God? I can't trust God to give me what I want, because that may not be in His plan. Being able to live with and hold and laugh with and see grow and love and live was not God's plan for Jorai or Selah. And believe me I prayed for it. And if I'm being truthful, I thought my prayers would deliver. They didn't. I'm still dealing with that. And it's getting better. I started praying again. A little. But I still feel a bit foolish praying. As again, I know that what I want, doesn't matter in the long run. No matter what I want, what I long for...it doesn't matter. And I need to be OK with that. I need to trust that God has a reason for all of this. A very good reason. So is that what they mean when they say trust God? Trust that He knows what's best? I don't know.

All I know is that God's plan will unfold in my life and I have two choices when it does. I can piss and moan and become a bitter old woman. Or I can deal with the hurt and somehow find the strength to glorify it. This thought always brings me back to the song Blessed be Your Name. That song always kills me. It never did before. But ever since losing my girls, I can never get through it. I want to....but then those horrid lyrics come...




'He gives and takes away

He gives and takes away

My heart will chose to say

Lord, blessed be your name'





Yup. He gives and takes away for sure. For sure. I know that. All too well. I can trust in that...now, can I trust that my heart will chose the right path? The path to glorify His plan, rather than sit and wallow?

I love my beliefs. I love scripture. I love when people use scripture. But sometimes, it sure is hard to be given scripture from someone who has no idea what those words may mean to you. For example...I have VERY loving friends that say to me 'I have a good feeling about this time.', or 'This baby will be fine.', or 'I know this one will end well!.'. Um...really, you don't. And though I know they only mean good things telling me that. They're all empty words. They are heartfelt and they are trying to make me feel better. But it doesn't. Because we don't know. None of us do. Just like, I can trust the Lord to give me what I want, I can pray for it...but it's all in His hands...and His hands alone.

It's all kinda hard. I think we all think that we have control of things, but we really don't. We can act on things and strive for things and long for things...but really, we're all just waiting to see God's plan weave out before us. There's no trusting that God will give you your desires...there's only trust that His will, will prevail. And then you have to find the strength to glorify it no matter how wonderful or painfully it plays out in your life.