ignorance
I wish I could be ignorant. I think about it every day. How wonderful it would be to be a blissfully, ignorant pregnant woman. I wish I could be hopeful and gitty about every little thing. I wish I could go to appointments without fear of hearing the dreaded words 'this is the heart, and I'm sorry to tell you that it's not beating'. I wish I could take medications without a thought...without fear. I wish I could only think about the future...I wish I could start preparing the baby's room and start buying the baby things. I wish...
But I can't. Even as I type this, I look up to see the pictures of my babies...one dead...one living...another dead. The odds are stacked against me. The positive side of me says 'well, it's the order to now have another living child'...but I know the odds. I'm no longer ignorant to the hell that can come.
Here's a current dilemma. I have asthma. It's really only sports related...or is aggravated by high humidity or altitude...in pregnancy people with asthma either see it completely go away or see it get worse. Mine, for all 4 pregnancies has gotten worse. Way worse. From the minute I get pregnant, I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest. I never have had an attack, but it's a constant, feeling as if I'm breathing through coffee stirrer. I'm suppose to be taking singulair to open up my airways...but it scares me. Everything scares me. Even tylenol scares me. The thing with singulair is that one side effect in kids is depression and suicidal thoughts. In my mind, I wonder about what effects of me taking it could happen in the developing brain of my baby. So...I try not to take it for a while...but the thing is, the brain is always forming...it's mostly forming from conception to 28 weeks, but even from 28-40 weeks, stuff is happening and nerve cells are forming connections.
So I'm constantly at odds. Do I take it, because I can't breathe..which not only makes me feel crappy, but I know that if I can't breathe super well...the baby isn't either...or do I not take it because it's a catagory B drug, which hasn't been tested on pregnant mothers and they have no idea what it could do to a developing child?
This is where I wish I was ignorant. In my pregnancy with Jorai, of course I was careful..and weary of drugs, but if my doctor told me to take something, I would have. And I would have left the office with a big fat smile on my face because I 'knew' everything would be wonderful. That's no longer the case. I even refuse the diabetic test @ 28 weeks because we lost Jorai 3 days after that test. Though I don't think the test caused her death...the stress of all that sugar couldn't have helped.
It's been nearly 13 weeks now in my current pregnancy and I'm struggling. I'm breathing. But I'm struggling. I almost broke down today and started taking the meds. But I didn't. I'm no longer ignorant. I'm freaked out about every little thing. I used to love being pregnant. I no longer love it. There are things I love. Many things. But I'm also scared...all the time. And for that, I hate it. Is there a way to catch the hand of ignorance and hold on for dear life?
But I can't. Even as I type this, I look up to see the pictures of my babies...one dead...one living...another dead. The odds are stacked against me. The positive side of me says 'well, it's the order to now have another living child'...but I know the odds. I'm no longer ignorant to the hell that can come.
Here's a current dilemma. I have asthma. It's really only sports related...or is aggravated by high humidity or altitude...in pregnancy people with asthma either see it completely go away or see it get worse. Mine, for all 4 pregnancies has gotten worse. Way worse. From the minute I get pregnant, I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest. I never have had an attack, but it's a constant, feeling as if I'm breathing through coffee stirrer. I'm suppose to be taking singulair to open up my airways...but it scares me. Everything scares me. Even tylenol scares me. The thing with singulair is that one side effect in kids is depression and suicidal thoughts. In my mind, I wonder about what effects of me taking it could happen in the developing brain of my baby. So...I try not to take it for a while...but the thing is, the brain is always forming...it's mostly forming from conception to 28 weeks, but even from 28-40 weeks, stuff is happening and nerve cells are forming connections.
So I'm constantly at odds. Do I take it, because I can't breathe..which not only makes me feel crappy, but I know that if I can't breathe super well...the baby isn't either...or do I not take it because it's a catagory B drug, which hasn't been tested on pregnant mothers and they have no idea what it could do to a developing child?
This is where I wish I was ignorant. In my pregnancy with Jorai, of course I was careful..and weary of drugs, but if my doctor told me to take something, I would have. And I would have left the office with a big fat smile on my face because I 'knew' everything would be wonderful. That's no longer the case. I even refuse the diabetic test @ 28 weeks because we lost Jorai 3 days after that test. Though I don't think the test caused her death...the stress of all that sugar couldn't have helped.
It's been nearly 13 weeks now in my current pregnancy and I'm struggling. I'm breathing. But I'm struggling. I almost broke down today and started taking the meds. But I didn't. I'm no longer ignorant. I'm freaked out about every little thing. I used to love being pregnant. I no longer love it. There are things I love. Many things. But I'm also scared...all the time. And for that, I hate it. Is there a way to catch the hand of ignorance and hold on for dear life?
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