the baby's bedroom
I started cleaning out the baby's bedroom this morning. It's been the dumping ground for just abut everything...but mainly pregger clothes and stuff Asher has already grown out of. It was clean as of December '09. And then we lost Selah. We lost the hope that she would occupy the room, so I started using it was a dumping ground.
I had mixed emotions about cleaning it. I kept thinking about when I cleaned out the room for Selah...and then that made me feel as if I'm tempting fate...starting the downward spiral that's inevitably going to hit us. Another part of me got a little gitty. I started thinking about refinishing the dresser, choosing the pictures I would hang, and deciding what to do with the guest bed. Then I thought about starting to bring up some of the newborn clothes and necessities...but then my mind went dark again.
I found the box of little girl clothes and the clothes my mom gave me from when I was an infant. All pink and knitted, dresses and strappy sandals with flowers. I put a sweater into Jorai's memorial pile as I had purchased it for my first daughter...and had kept it in hopes of another...but what should I do with the rest. Sure I have friends I could give them to, or Shared Pregnancy, but can I? I mean, it's silly to keep them...but how do I get rid of them? I never purchased them for the girls...they were just stuff that I got...and why keep them? What would I do with them? But how do I throw them away as well? It's a small reminder that we had little girls...for a short time anyway. And the child I'm now carrying is a boy...and even if we lose him...I don't think I'll ever become pregnant again. At least not because we were trying to. So why keep them?
And then I found the muslin fish sleeper I purchased for Selah. Should I pass it down to her little brother? Or do I place it in her memorial box. It was the only thing I had purchased for her yet why just put it in a box to rest next to her blood stained blanket?
I wanted to continue cleaning up the room, putting things away, keeping certain things out, and day dreaming about the possibility of having it occupied by a permanent resident in early February...but then I remembered my track record and couldn't go any further. I want to be positive. I want to only think happy thoughts. But I can't. My mind always seems to go there...to those cold hospital rooms. The silence. The smells. The drugged, ripped apart at the seams, feeling. The emptiness. I know I feel so full right now. My belly is round and I feel more and more movement each day. I think of names and what his personality will be. I think of holding him and kissing his warmth and crying at his screams. But I fear the cold. I fear the silence. I fear that ultrasound tech, telling my ears what my heart already knows.
I'm 15 weeks. I have just 9 more until I hit 24 weeks. 13 until I hit 28 weeks. I only have 4 more weeks to miscarry...after that, I'll need to deliver. 19 weeks will be the start of my own personal hell on earth. I don't think I'm ready for it. I want to be positive. I want to be strong. 4 more weeks. Am I ready for this journey? Am I just as ready for the heartache as I am for the joy? Can I be? I just need to keep breathing.
I had mixed emotions about cleaning it. I kept thinking about when I cleaned out the room for Selah...and then that made me feel as if I'm tempting fate...starting the downward spiral that's inevitably going to hit us. Another part of me got a little gitty. I started thinking about refinishing the dresser, choosing the pictures I would hang, and deciding what to do with the guest bed. Then I thought about starting to bring up some of the newborn clothes and necessities...but then my mind went dark again.
I found the box of little girl clothes and the clothes my mom gave me from when I was an infant. All pink and knitted, dresses and strappy sandals with flowers. I put a sweater into Jorai's memorial pile as I had purchased it for my first daughter...and had kept it in hopes of another...but what should I do with the rest. Sure I have friends I could give them to, or Shared Pregnancy, but can I? I mean, it's silly to keep them...but how do I get rid of them? I never purchased them for the girls...they were just stuff that I got...and why keep them? What would I do with them? But how do I throw them away as well? It's a small reminder that we had little girls...for a short time anyway. And the child I'm now carrying is a boy...and even if we lose him...I don't think I'll ever become pregnant again. At least not because we were trying to. So why keep them?
And then I found the muslin fish sleeper I purchased for Selah. Should I pass it down to her little brother? Or do I place it in her memorial box. It was the only thing I had purchased for her yet why just put it in a box to rest next to her blood stained blanket?
I wanted to continue cleaning up the room, putting things away, keeping certain things out, and day dreaming about the possibility of having it occupied by a permanent resident in early February...but then I remembered my track record and couldn't go any further. I want to be positive. I want to only think happy thoughts. But I can't. My mind always seems to go there...to those cold hospital rooms. The silence. The smells. The drugged, ripped apart at the seams, feeling. The emptiness. I know I feel so full right now. My belly is round and I feel more and more movement each day. I think of names and what his personality will be. I think of holding him and kissing his warmth and crying at his screams. But I fear the cold. I fear the silence. I fear that ultrasound tech, telling my ears what my heart already knows.
I'm 15 weeks. I have just 9 more until I hit 24 weeks. 13 until I hit 28 weeks. I only have 4 more weeks to miscarry...after that, I'll need to deliver. 19 weeks will be the start of my own personal hell on earth. I don't think I'm ready for it. I want to be positive. I want to be strong. 4 more weeks. Am I ready for this journey? Am I just as ready for the heartache as I am for the joy? Can I be? I just need to keep breathing.
Comments
hoping these next few weeks fly by for you. hope that joy floods through the grief-gates at the end.
(i know they will.)
i'm wondering if you could do the same with jorai and selah's special clothing? that way you save the pieces that mean something to you and they could cover you with warmth when you needed it.
Tali, that's a great idea, but I only have maybe 10 outfits. It's not much and really, I've never really corresponded them with the girls because they were always tucked away and they were never purchased while I was pregnant with them. That's why it's kinda silly. Though if I did have enough, that would be cool.