The stillbirth roller-coaster
As I was sitting in church last night I worried about my baby. I'm in this phase where I can feel movements at times but not at others. It's normally little flutters and bumps but never anything large. No big movements or jabs to really put my mind at ease. So though I know this is all normal and that there may be hours if not days where I don't feel anything, it still freaks me out. It makes me want to run to the hospital which in itself is silly since this lull in movement is expected and if the baby did pass, there's nothing they can do...but still...
So I sat there, trying to listen to the message, but not being able to. My fear kept me only thinking about death. But then, as fast as the dread hit me, it lifted and within seconds my fear was gone and replaced with the knowledge that in a few short months, we will be bringing home another child, another son. There was no question in my heart. We will be bringing home a child.
This roller-coaster of emotions is an almost every day occurrence. I'm freaking out one moment but a few moments later, I'm thinking of buying things for the baby or dreaming about our delivery, ending with a screaming, warm, slippery child in my arms. My emotions are all over the place.
Life is all around me, but so is death. Another mama from my OB-GYN's office lost a baby full term a few weeks ago. Just Thursday I met a woman who's friend lost her child at 25 weeks about 6 weeks ago. It surrounds me. Infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths. There is so much pain. But there is so much happiness too. I'm in an up-down ride that at times makes me nauseous. I can't wait for this all to be done.
I'm thinking of purchasing a doppler for my own ease of mind. I was talked out of it with Asher, but now, I think it could really help. Just knowing when I don't feel movement, that he's still OK in there...though I know it can be hard to find the little heartbeat sometimes, I still think it may bring me some calm moments.
So I sat there, trying to listen to the message, but not being able to. My fear kept me only thinking about death. But then, as fast as the dread hit me, it lifted and within seconds my fear was gone and replaced with the knowledge that in a few short months, we will be bringing home another child, another son. There was no question in my heart. We will be bringing home a child.
This roller-coaster of emotions is an almost every day occurrence. I'm freaking out one moment but a few moments later, I'm thinking of buying things for the baby or dreaming about our delivery, ending with a screaming, warm, slippery child in my arms. My emotions are all over the place.
Life is all around me, but so is death. Another mama from my OB-GYN's office lost a baby full term a few weeks ago. Just Thursday I met a woman who's friend lost her child at 25 weeks about 6 weeks ago. It surrounds me. Infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths. There is so much pain. But there is so much happiness too. I'm in an up-down ride that at times makes me nauseous. I can't wait for this all to be done.
I'm thinking of purchasing a doppler for my own ease of mind. I was talked out of it with Asher, but now, I think it could really help. Just knowing when I don't feel movement, that he's still OK in there...though I know it can be hard to find the little heartbeat sometimes, I still think it may bring me some calm moments.
Comments