what to say?

I never knew that the subject of children could ever be so bittersweet...




'Is that your first?'




'How many children do you have?'




'How old are they?'




'I bet you hope the child you're carrying is a girl since you already have a boy!'
If I don't answer honestly, I feel as if I'm dragging my girls names' through the mud...as if I'm not honoring them...I'm ignoring them. But if I answer these questions honestly, I get the look...the apologies...and I also know that I've just made the questioner extremely uncomfortable.

My answer? Usually, I tell the story. An abbreviated one. "This is our fourth child", "we have a son at home and two daughters in heaven"...depending on the situation I may go into our story a bit, or it may end there.

Tonight in the Lowes parking lot, we ran into a very nice couple who was waiting patiently for us to load Asher into the car, so they could get into theirs. The conversation starts...'Oh, no rush...we have kids at home...no worries!"..."What are you having?"..."Oh I bet you're hoping for a girl since you already have a boy."

'Yeah...I think I'd give my left leg for a girl. But not just any girl...not any girls...and no, actually we're hoping for a boy since something happens to girls when they're growing within me and they die. We're hoping for a boy because that will give us a slim sliver of hope that we may be able to hold a warm, breathing child, rather than a cold, tiny, lifeless one.'.

OK...so that was a conversation that only played out in my head...my real response? "We're actually hoping for a boy...I think it would be cool to raise boys.'. No lie. Just not the full truth either.

I think this is the hardest aspect of being a mama to Heavenly babies. The constant questions. The never ending mother questions. Describing your family...filling out forms of all kinds that ask to list family members...it's non-stop. It's a constant opportunity to share my sweet baby girls lives with others...it's a way for me to honor them and love them from 'the grave'...but it's also so, very, hard. Not that I ever...ever, want to forget...but it's also a constant reminder.