transluence

When I started this blog, I had very little followers. I used it to vent and laugh and post about things I found brilliant and funny and things I believed in. As the years went on, more people found me and started following my posts. Posts about little things, funny postings and work woes, my best friend turned into love and then a wedding and a pregnancy...and then we lost Jorai and the people who followed my blog exploded. As with probably any community, the babyloss community is a huge one, but at the same time, a super small one. And in just a few weeks, people from all over the world started to follow my loss journey.

I've always felt so blessed to have so many caring people follow my ramblings. I can feel their love and laughter, pain and sorrow through their comments. I feel a real connection to people and it's a wonderful thing. I can honestly say that I have friends out there whom I've never met physically.

I'm 100% translucent in my writings, in my emotions. And it's a good thing. 99.99% of the time I am thankful for being so translucent. I want all of my family and friends to see what it's like to walk in my shoes. Feel my joy and laughter, as well as my pain and sorrow.

But the day I became a mama to a living child, something changed. I realized as much as I wanted to continue to post about Asher and our happiness and joy, there was always a hesitation. I knew that so many of my blog friends longed to have my happy ending. I knew my words at times would only bring them pain and that was hard for me. I was in a world where I wanted to shout my joy at the top of my lungs, while at the same time, keep silent so I don't cause my friends pain.

And then I decided to feed my blog into facebook and even more people have access to it. It wasn't like my blog was private. Anyone could have found me if they googled me...but now it was posted for all my 'friends' to see. So now, there are additional times where I want to bleed my emotions out there, but find myself holding back.

It OK. It's such a small fraction of the time where I feel I can't let my emotions flow, but it seems that those times are the ones where I really, need to talk. I feel like my insides are tearing apart and though I'm screaming, nothing is coming out.

I guess it's hard for people who typically write all their feelings down to keep them in. Every thing is fine. Every one is fine. I've just finally realized that relationships aren't always what you think they are. People are more selfish than I ever thought was possible and just as the all, too well known, bumper sticker says...Mean People Suck.

Some times it's really hard for a translucent person to be private. Even though I know it's best for all involved. I want to be selfish and vent. Guess it's a good thing I'm not selfish.