Why, why, why?

I really, truly try my hardest not to get pissed off at God, but it's just so damn hard sometimes. I need someone to blame. I need someone to scream at and hit and be mad at. And I don't know who else to take this up with. I know He gives and I know He takes away and we're suppose to be OK with that, but some times I'm not. Whatever that makes me, I'm OK with...because I don't think being OK with babies dying is OK. The whole process of it. The baby's death, the family's anguish, the fear, the darkness and guilt that comes next...I just don't get it.

My friend found out today that her baby had passed. She was in her second trimester, not that is really matters. Not an early loss...not a late loss...but a loss. A devastating loss. After a previous loss.

My heart aches for her and this journey that she's about to embark on. Walking through the darkness, trying to find the light and yet even when you find it, you push it away because it pisses you off so much. An ache that's indescribable. An emptiness that feels as if you've literally been eviscerated. A hunger for warmth and love and joy that seems so far from your reach that life can at times feel pointless.

And I ache. I ache because as she was finding out this horrible news, I was having a brilliant morning with my son. The first in a few days that had zero yelling or tantrums...only joy and laughter. And then as I thought that I hadn't felt the baby move in a while, I went upstairs to listen to my baby's heart. A sound that she would have killed for, I'm sure. A sound that I heard as she only heard the dreaded words...'this is the heart, and I'm sorry but it's not beating'. My day was wonderful. Filled with joy and laughter and love. Her's was a nightmare.

I remember when we came home from the hospital after losing Jorai, how surreal life felt. How nothing felt right. It all felt so damn fake and I couldn't figure out how people could be functioning as my life stood still. Nothing mattered. I felt nothing. I was numb and gutted and lifeless. Yet all those around me were happy and living and moving on.

Now, another friend has to feel this pain. And it kills me. I now know why people who have lost loved ones to cancer and other diseases, fight so hard for legislation and research so that they can find cures. I wish I could do something. I wish there was a way to monitor babies and stop neonatal death. It's so devastating. And it just doesn't need to happen. It pisses me off.

I think one of the hardest things actually happens months-years down the road, when people start to think you should be over your child's death...I mean you never really got to be with them...you never really got to know them or spend time with them...They just don't understand that a child is a child and it doesn't matter when you lose them. They were your child and now they're gone and it sucks. I wish people would understand that. I wish every one would remember our babies as we do...though I understand it's hard and I'm understanding because of that...but in my perfect little world, I wish everyone would remember the child that once was.

I don't know. I'm hurt and gutted for my friend. This is my fear. This is why I run up to check for a heartbeat every day...multiple times a day. The fear that it will happen again. It happens. Every day. To people we know. People we don't. It happens.

I am so sorry my dear friend. I love you and I'm praying for you and thinking of you and I just want you to know that I'm here. I know your pain. I know your fear. I know your emptiness. I know the cold, dark place your in. And I'm sorry you're there. I wish I could pull you out and give you back your joy. I wish. I'm sorry. I'm here.