motherhood reality check
Let me preface. I love my life. I love my boys. I feel super blessed and I wouldn't change a bit of my little slice of world...minus the loss of my girls.
...but...
Wow. What a reality check life has been the past few weeks. Asher is doing awesome with Greyson. There's very little jealousy and the little that there is, is actually directed towards Steve. Which is surprising to me. And Greyson, is a dream child. He has some fussy periods and lately has been gassy, so at times can be really fussy...but for the most part, he's super easy. And he usually only wakes up once, maybe twice a night.
But there are things that are stressing me. Things that I'm blowing up about. Little things. I feel stretched. I feel needed...all. the. time. I feel like I have NO time to myself. Which in saying that I feel incredibly selfish. But that's how I feel so I'm embracing it. I feel as if someone's always touching me or sucking from me, rubbing their snot on me, hitting me, scratching me...I feel like if I'm not holding or reading to or washing or rocking or comforting a wee boy, I'm cleaning the house or folding laundry or washing laundry or making dinner or cleaning up dinner or breakfast or lunch...My day so far was waking with a 3 week old fussing, so I nursed him, then changed him. I undressed and dressed him and then Asher came running up to 'help' and I had to watch him as well and scold him for not listening to my continued attempts to ask him to stop twirling in the curtains, and then I got about 1 minute when Asher ran downstairs to take Greyson into the bathroom so I could go...then it was back into Asher's room, with baby, to get clothes out for Asher. Then downstairs to nurse baby again and then snuggle with Asher and take him to the potty and then dress Asher and quick log onto Facebook to check on a friend who had surgery last night. Then I nursed Greyson again, put drops in his eyes and nursed him again, during that time Asher and Steve left to go sledding. Once Greyson fell asleep, I was able to quick eat breakfast myself and then I started to pick up the living room which has been destroyed for the past week. That lasted about 30 minutes when Greyson woke and I nursed him again. I then continued cleaning and then made lunch for Asher. Asher got home, I took him to the potty, gave him lunch and then took him upstairs to put him down for his nap. In which he decided to 'snuggle with Mama's big squishy belly' by pushing into me as hard as he could. Though I tried to tell him to stop, he chose differently and I blew. Why? Because I feel as if I'm going crazy. I put him to bed, which he chose not to be in, and then I went downstairs to nurse Greyson. When I was done with that I went back upstairs to put Asher back down when he decided to yell, scream and bang the walls at me. I blew, slammed the door and took a shower. Unfortunately the shower couldn't even relax me because my bathroom shares a wall with Asher's room so I heard him screaming and pounding the walls the entire time. When I got out of the shower, I went back in to his room, took him to the potty and somehow managed to get him back into bed with little fighting. Now I'm back downstairs in semi-quiet as Steve rocks Greyson giving me a little piece of time. So for 6 straight hours so far today, I have been going non-stop. From household duties to caring for a newborn and nurturing and disciplining a toddler.
And the hardest part? The same time that I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and stressed, I feel guilty. Guilty that I have two beautiful and healthy living children while friends of mine have nothing but ashes and graves. Guilt that I wished and dreamed for my children and now these thoughts and feelings make me feel ungrateful.
I know it has a lot to do with emotions and life changes and hormonal changes...but it's so hard. Hard to find the strength to deal with an, at times, unruly toddler. Hard to find the few brief moments of the day to enjoy silence and no one touching me...needing me. Hard to not get angry with a little boy who's testing me at every turn. Hard to enjoy each moment when all I want is 10 minutes to myself...again, a pang of guilt.
Wow. Motherhood is hard. I know this is the hard part. The needy part. I also know that soon, I will be missing these moments. I'll miss how much my boys need me. How much they come to me and want me to be close. Some days it's just so hard. I hate not enjoying every moment with my children. It makes me feel like a failure or ungrateful. As if I was given these two amazing blessings and I'm not embracing this gift with every ounce that I have.
I know with every thing I have that this is all a lie. I know that my children mean every thing to me. And I also know that it's hard and there will always be times where I feel like a failure, but man is it hard. It's hard feeling like a failure or that you're ungrateful.
Motherhood has been the most fulfilling wonderful journey I've ever known. But with it, it's also been the most guilt ridden. I think I need to find a balance. A balance between giving my children every thing I have, while at the same time, remembering that I need quiet, alone time as well. Which is hard when you demand nurse, but in a few months, when things taper off...things will normalize a little bit more. I just have to remember that quote I hate so much... 'this too shall pass'...
My dear boys, I love you so much. You are my world. I love snuggling and playing with you. I love both teaching you and learning from you. You both are wonderful and bring me so much joy and happiness. Please remember this when I blow up over little things. I'm sorry I yell some times. Never doubt my love for you.
your Mama.
...but...
Wow. What a reality check life has been the past few weeks. Asher is doing awesome with Greyson. There's very little jealousy and the little that there is, is actually directed towards Steve. Which is surprising to me. And Greyson, is a dream child. He has some fussy periods and lately has been gassy, so at times can be really fussy...but for the most part, he's super easy. And he usually only wakes up once, maybe twice a night.
But there are things that are stressing me. Things that I'm blowing up about. Little things. I feel stretched. I feel needed...all. the. time. I feel like I have NO time to myself. Which in saying that I feel incredibly selfish. But that's how I feel so I'm embracing it. I feel as if someone's always touching me or sucking from me, rubbing their snot on me, hitting me, scratching me...I feel like if I'm not holding or reading to or washing or rocking or comforting a wee boy, I'm cleaning the house or folding laundry or washing laundry or making dinner or cleaning up dinner or breakfast or lunch...My day so far was waking with a 3 week old fussing, so I nursed him, then changed him. I undressed and dressed him and then Asher came running up to 'help' and I had to watch him as well and scold him for not listening to my continued attempts to ask him to stop twirling in the curtains, and then I got about 1 minute when Asher ran downstairs to take Greyson into the bathroom so I could go...then it was back into Asher's room, with baby, to get clothes out for Asher. Then downstairs to nurse baby again and then snuggle with Asher and take him to the potty and then dress Asher and quick log onto Facebook to check on a friend who had surgery last night. Then I nursed Greyson again, put drops in his eyes and nursed him again, during that time Asher and Steve left to go sledding. Once Greyson fell asleep, I was able to quick eat breakfast myself and then I started to pick up the living room which has been destroyed for the past week. That lasted about 30 minutes when Greyson woke and I nursed him again. I then continued cleaning and then made lunch for Asher. Asher got home, I took him to the potty, gave him lunch and then took him upstairs to put him down for his nap. In which he decided to 'snuggle with Mama's big squishy belly' by pushing into me as hard as he could. Though I tried to tell him to stop, he chose differently and I blew. Why? Because I feel as if I'm going crazy. I put him to bed, which he chose not to be in, and then I went downstairs to nurse Greyson. When I was done with that I went back upstairs to put Asher back down when he decided to yell, scream and bang the walls at me. I blew, slammed the door and took a shower. Unfortunately the shower couldn't even relax me because my bathroom shares a wall with Asher's room so I heard him screaming and pounding the walls the entire time. When I got out of the shower, I went back in to his room, took him to the potty and somehow managed to get him back into bed with little fighting. Now I'm back downstairs in semi-quiet as Steve rocks Greyson giving me a little piece of time. So for 6 straight hours so far today, I have been going non-stop. From household duties to caring for a newborn and nurturing and disciplining a toddler.
And the hardest part? The same time that I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and stressed, I feel guilty. Guilty that I have two beautiful and healthy living children while friends of mine have nothing but ashes and graves. Guilt that I wished and dreamed for my children and now these thoughts and feelings make me feel ungrateful.
I know it has a lot to do with emotions and life changes and hormonal changes...but it's so hard. Hard to find the strength to deal with an, at times, unruly toddler. Hard to find the few brief moments of the day to enjoy silence and no one touching me...needing me. Hard to not get angry with a little boy who's testing me at every turn. Hard to enjoy each moment when all I want is 10 minutes to myself...again, a pang of guilt.
Wow. Motherhood is hard. I know this is the hard part. The needy part. I also know that soon, I will be missing these moments. I'll miss how much my boys need me. How much they come to me and want me to be close. Some days it's just so hard. I hate not enjoying every moment with my children. It makes me feel like a failure or ungrateful. As if I was given these two amazing blessings and I'm not embracing this gift with every ounce that I have.
I know with every thing I have that this is all a lie. I know that my children mean every thing to me. And I also know that it's hard and there will always be times where I feel like a failure, but man is it hard. It's hard feeling like a failure or that you're ungrateful.
Motherhood has been the most fulfilling wonderful journey I've ever known. But with it, it's also been the most guilt ridden. I think I need to find a balance. A balance between giving my children every thing I have, while at the same time, remembering that I need quiet, alone time as well. Which is hard when you demand nurse, but in a few months, when things taper off...things will normalize a little bit more. I just have to remember that quote I hate so much... 'this too shall pass'...
My dear boys, I love you so much. You are my world. I love snuggling and playing with you. I love both teaching you and learning from you. You both are wonderful and bring me so much joy and happiness. Please remember this when I blow up over little things. I'm sorry I yell some times. Never doubt my love for you.
your Mama.
Comments
i was right there with you only a few short months ago. i always tell myself, once we hit 6 months, i will feel normal again. i will feel normal again. i WILL feel normal again. i still feel like an alien sometimes and the pip is 4 months tomorrow!
everything you write is true, everything you feel is real...