life update

I feel as if I'm in a whirlwind! What a difference life has been, going from 1 living child to two. Wowza! I'm exhausted. truly exhausted. Emotionally as well as physically, but I love nearly every moment! Yes, there are times I want to run screaming, but I love my boys. And what a joy it's been seeing the differences in them and watching the awestruck in Greyson's eyes every time he watches his big brother. It's so cool. I can already see the love between them. Asher still is completely in love with his little brother as well. I love seeing that.

Asher keeps talking about his baby sister. It's weird. I'm sure he's just confused as we talk to him about his older and younger sisters, but it's weird hearing him talk about his baby sister. Just hearing the word sister sends chills down my spine. He was so young when we lost Selah. Though he knew something happened, he never really got it. And though he sees pictures of his sisters and we celebrate their life, I know that his little 3 year old brain, can't comprehend the loss of his sisters. But still, when he asks about his baby sister, though I know he means his baby brother, it twinges a bit.

Asher is amazing. He's really testing his boundaries and can be a tough nugget to be around at times, he is so witty and hilarious, within minutes he's making me laugh. His speech and knowledge has sky rocketed in the past few months. The things he comes up with or knows the answer to, amazes me. And some of his statements crack me up every time he says them...

"I no no...I no no Mama." = I don't know.
"I no feel happy."
"I feel happy now!"
"fire fire" = fire fighter
"guys" = for any play person
"I like that show!"
"Me do it", "me on it"....
"Bad boy gun" = any gun

When ever we pass a J. Popper (tractor), any construction vehicle or a motorcycle Asher says "me on it?" "No Asher, those don't belong to us and they're for big big boys" "Papa's a big big boy. Papa on it.".

When ever I don't let him do something he says "Papa let me help."
"All myself Mama, all myself"
"Baby brother likes me."

Greyson...what a little gem. He's such a chill little guy. As long as he can sleep and eat, he's happy. He will sit and play on his own. He looks around and smiles at every thing and will let anyone hold him. His face lights up when he smiles and though I may wake in the morning completely sleep deprived, one smile from him, makes the world seem brighter. He couldn't be more opposite from Asher and so it's been cool seeing their differences...and it will be cool to see them grow up and change. As healthy as Asher was as an infant, Greyson has been different. He's already had 3 colds. The doctor thinks he may have a narrowing of his vocal cords...we're seeing a pulmonologist this Friday...and he has a Preauricular Ear Pit. We have an appointment for an ear, nose, throat doc to start a relationship with in-case anything happens with that. It's crazy to think back to Asher's health and compare it to Greyson who has 2 specialists at 4 months of age! But all in all...he's healthy and happy and really, a joy to be with.

Steve and I...we're well. Tired and stretched, but well. Our loss site is up and running and I've noticed some traffic on it. I need to fix a few things, add a few pages and 'pretty' it up a bit, but for the most part, I'm happy with it. It brings me joy to know that it's being used. I've even seen it mentioned on a babycenter post. So I know people are finding it which is cool! I'm still struggling with my losses. It's easier to live day to day without my girls, but at the same time, their absents is deafening and there's not one day that goes by without me thinking of them. It's hard. I can't imagine losing a child whom I actually got to spend time with. It has to be a devastation that aches all the more. For me, I ache to see my girls faces, hear their laughter and feel their warmth...while at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling that because if I hadn't have lost Jorai, I wouldn't have Asher. If I hadn't lost Selah, I wouldn't have had Greyson. It's such a catch 22. Whatever that means.

All in all, we're going swimmingly. We have two healthy and happy and boisterous boys. Steve and I are both healthy. We feel as if we're really reaching out and maybe making a difference in peoples lives through our loss site, which is what I've wanted ever since we lost Jorai. We are now in a life group which we love and have grown close with the other two couples. And yeah...all is good.

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