My toddler?
I just got one of those baby center emails that tells you about your child but it was for a toddler. I couldn't figure it out and then I saw the age. 21 months. I don't normally get those so it took me off guard, but that was for Jorai. She would have been 21 months. She would have been a toddler. Running around, being all sassy and talking up a storm. 21 months. I try to think of her as a child. Growing, learning, becoming a little girl. Our little girl. I'll never get to see that. I'll never get to know her, not in that sense. I'll never get to watch her grow or hear her laugh. I'll never get to hug her tight after a fall. I'll never get to feel her warmth or hear her heart, I'll never get to see her breath or feel it against my skin.
It's still hard to wrap my heart around. I can't tell you how often I still think of her. She surrounds me. Her spirit is so much apart of me, of us. But it's times like this, where I'm taken off guard, when the pain resurfaces. The memories of the hospital, of her birth and the coldness. Just today her grandparents bought a memorial brick for her. We talked about it and I talked to someone about the memorial garden I still want to make in memory of her. Talking about her was beautiful. There wasn't a pain to it...but now, as I realize that she would have been 2 years old in August, if she would have been born on her actual birth day, a pain creeps in.
I'll never really understand grief. The enormity of it. The unpredictability, ache and longing of it. It's a crappy thing to go through. It sucks really. Losing Jorai has made me a better person and I know God is using me because of it...but I sure wish he could have found a better way to mold me, to use me. Because if I'm being honest, it still really pisses me off that she was taken from us.
Her birth/death day, is in 2 weeks. I can't even begin to tell you the joy I had 2 years ago and the agony we endured just a few weeks later. It's still all so raw, so real, as if it happened just yesterday. I remember the guttural loss. The emptiness, both emotionally and literally. I remember all the people who reached out to us with meals and cards and emails. We had people stopping by just to talk, mowing our yard...I remember drinking wine and feeling tipsy. I wanted it to dull the pain, but all it did was worsen it. I remember going on walks in the mornings and just crying. I remember really getting to know a close friend and talking about the babies we lost for hours and hours. I remember trying to read Job, and really, just getting pissed off at God again for all he had to endure. I remember lying in Jorai's room and sobbing. Lying on the floor and screaming. I can't even type this without crying.
I miss her. I miss her so much. Every day I miss her. Every day I wish she was here for Asher, for me. I wonder why God gave her to us only to take her away so suddenly. But I can't get stuck up on that. I need to push that feeling away. I need to know that He has His plan. And though I may not like it, His plan is perfect.
But I miss her still. I will miss her until she's in my arms again...I love you sweet baby girl.
It's still hard to wrap my heart around. I can't tell you how often I still think of her. She surrounds me. Her spirit is so much apart of me, of us. But it's times like this, where I'm taken off guard, when the pain resurfaces. The memories of the hospital, of her birth and the coldness. Just today her grandparents bought a memorial brick for her. We talked about it and I talked to someone about the memorial garden I still want to make in memory of her. Talking about her was beautiful. There wasn't a pain to it...but now, as I realize that she would have been 2 years old in August, if she would have been born on her actual birth day, a pain creeps in.
I'll never really understand grief. The enormity of it. The unpredictability, ache and longing of it. It's a crappy thing to go through. It sucks really. Losing Jorai has made me a better person and I know God is using me because of it...but I sure wish he could have found a better way to mold me, to use me. Because if I'm being honest, it still really pisses me off that she was taken from us.
Her birth/death day, is in 2 weeks. I can't even begin to tell you the joy I had 2 years ago and the agony we endured just a few weeks later. It's still all so raw, so real, as if it happened just yesterday. I remember the guttural loss. The emptiness, both emotionally and literally. I remember all the people who reached out to us with meals and cards and emails. We had people stopping by just to talk, mowing our yard...I remember drinking wine and feeling tipsy. I wanted it to dull the pain, but all it did was worsen it. I remember going on walks in the mornings and just crying. I remember really getting to know a close friend and talking about the babies we lost for hours and hours. I remember trying to read Job, and really, just getting pissed off at God again for all he had to endure. I remember lying in Jorai's room and sobbing. Lying on the floor and screaming. I can't even type this without crying.
I miss her. I miss her so much. Every day I miss her. Every day I wish she was here for Asher, for me. I wonder why God gave her to us only to take her away so suddenly. But I can't get stuck up on that. I need to push that feeling away. I need to know that He has His plan. And though I may not like it, His plan is perfect.
But I miss her still. I will miss her until she's in my arms again...I love you sweet baby girl.
Comments
Many hugs to you as you remember your sweet Jorai. :)