weaning woes

31 October 2009


I've decided to wean Asher. I've haven't been producing anything in a few weeks and now I'm starting to hurt a bit when he tries to nurse. There was a part of me that thought weaning Asher would be best...and another part that thought I could handle nursing both. But with the pain and the reality that Asher's not getting anything any way, I've decided to wean.

It's been hard. I've only been slowly taking it away for the past few days...but he asks for it all the time, and I feel so bad to not give him something that gives him so much comfort. I mean, if it was a cookie or a toy, it wouldn't bother me...but really, all he wants is something that calms him and gives him comfort and I'm saying no. If I didn't feel pain while nursing, I would give in and let him nurse, but I think it's for the best...I'm just heart broken. I haven't nursed him yet today. Surprisingly he didn't ask this morning, but he did ask before his nap and I just brushed it off. Steve tried to put him down for his nap, but he's still up there fussing. I know he wants me...oh...this is so hard!

I want to slowly do this. I would hate to just rip it away from him. I think that would be cruel since he's been nursing now for almost 17 months and there's no medical reason for me to stop immediately. poor punkie.

And I'm going to miss our intimate moments of just him and I, snuggled in. I know I can do other things...but I also know this will be an end to something we both have enjoyed so much. That super cool, amazing bond that only nursing mama's know. I'm going to miss our time together.

My baby's growing up.

baby 3.0

18 October 2009


I kinda feel bad not having a decent nickname for this new little child growing within me. We're still in the quasi-preggo stage...that stage where you continue to get big and feel weird, but not feel anything but gas. I'm anxiously waiting for the first punch or kick or squirm, but I also don't want to get too anxious. It will happen when it happens...it's just been hard to nickname a child that I can't really feel yet.

I secretly call the little bean punkin' pie, but I'm not sure if it'll stick. I do have to admit that I'm feeling more of a girl vibe right now. I haven't had any dreams about the baby, other than when I miscarried...but the baby was too little to tell the gender. There's just something there...I'm not coming out with a prediction yet and I'm sure this feeling will change at a drop of the hat, but yeah, I'm getting a girl vibe.

We'll see...and keep posted...a proper nickname is coming.

My 2 favorite kiddo things right now


Number 1 fav. ~ Amazing Grass Chocolate drink

Asher has become a bit of a picky veggie eater. Some days he'll eat them, and others...not so much. Thanks to Katie, Asher now drinks Amazing Grass Chocolate drink. It's a "nutritional powerhouse that combines 33 rainbow colored fruits and vegetables in a delicious chocolate drink powder." One serving gives you the antioxidant equivalent of 3 servings of fruits and vegetables! And there's only 1 gram of sugar!! Asher loves it. He won't put his sippy down until it's gone and usually drinks it within 5 minutes. It's also certified org
anic. For any kid who lacks on the veggie intake, I think this is a must. You can find it on Vitacost and Amazon for around $19 and it last for 33 days if you give 1 serving a day. We LOVE this product. I actually bought the adult version for myself and I like it...I like to add a bit more chocolate to it...but I like it!

Number 1 fav. ~ Blankease

Asher doesn't sleep in 1 position. All night long he tosses and turns and flips and is simply crazy. When the weather turned a bit chillier, he would wake up cold, so I tried to place a blanket on him, but with his acrobatics in bed, it didn't stay on him long. I put his blanket sleeper on him from last year, but he hated it. He couldn't move his legs and when he woke up and wanted to walk around in his crib, he kept falling. Then I found Blankease. It's a blanket sleeper with legs! He loves it and I love it because it keeps him warm and when he wears it, he kinda looks like a clown. He's to cute!

Any way...those are my 2 favs for Asher right now. Enjoy.

Infant Loss Remembrance Day

15 October 2009


Today is Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you've lost a child or would simply like to honor a lost child you love, light a candle at 7pm tonight, no matter what your timezone, and let it burn for an hour. If everyone lights a candle and keeps it burning, there will be a continuous wave of light for the day.

Our candle will burn for our beautiful daughter, Jorai Mae. We love you and miss you so very much baby girl!

Dreams that come true

07 October 2009


When I was pregnant with Jorai I had a dream she was dead. She was already born...it wasn't a birth dream...but she had drowned as an infant.

Last night I dreamt that I miscarried the baby I'm carrying right now. She dropped out of me still alive. I didn't know what to do so I just held her and her little fingers gripped around mine.

I'm trying to stay positive about this pregnancy. I mean, it was just a dream. But I had a dream about Jorai and I never had a death dream about Asher. I caught myself looking for blood this morning. It was the first time I did that in this pregnancy. I'm glad I'm having an ultrasound on Monday. Maybe it can give me a little relief....I don't know.

I know it all sounds so morbid talking about it and I hate to even go there with baby 3.0 still growing and thriving within me...but I have to say that if I do loose this baby too, I pray I miscarry her. I don't think I can live through another stillborn.

I know it's just a dream...but I just can't shake away this pit in my stomach.

Set your DVD

06 October 2009

One of the wonderful women bloggers I follow is going to be on Oprah tomorrow. Her name is Stephanie Nielson, aka NieNie. She is a mother of 4, who barely survived a plane crash with her husband in August '08. She is amazing. Seriously. Her spirit and outlook on life inspires me. You should check out her blog and check her out on Oprah tomorrow.


When I was pregnant with Jorai I couldn't wait to be a mama. I couldn't wait to meet this child growing within me...to hear her cries and touch her skin...just to know her. Of course I worried about if I would be a good mama and if I could really do it. All of it. The mentoring and teaching...but most of all, I worried about the patience. Did I really have the patience to be the best parent I could be. I really worried about it. I only wanted to give the best to my children and I never wanted to lose my cool with them.

And then we lost her. For awhile, I even lost the dream of her, of children in general. I couldn't understand why and how God could have taken my sweet child from me and often wondered if He was saving her from hurt...maybe from me...or just from the world. I didn't and still don't know why things happened as they did, but even as I was pregnant with Asher, there was a part of me that thought God would take this child from me as well. I wanted to be wrong, but there was always something pulling at me...nagging at me.

When I let me mind wander to the possibility that Asher could actually be born, alive and healthy, I felt as if I could handle anything. That I would be the best mama to him. That my patience would be shake proof. I would be super mama. I mean, I missed the opportunity to raise and know Jorai, so I would pour into Asher like nothing else. It would be amazing. And most days, I feel pretty good about my parenting. I'm pretty patient. I feel as if I'm doing my best to teach him and raise him well.

And then a day like today comes when I seriously want to place him in the basement and run upstairs to a loud, steamy shower to escape his constant crying and hitting and general grumpiness...which of course makes me feel like the worst mama of the century. Yesterday after about the 10 millionth time of being slapped, bitten or torn at, I screamed NNNNOOOOO!!!! at the top of my lungs. He shuttered and then the look of shear terror ripped across his face before he, himself started screaming and crying. I scared him. It was the first time I scared him. I felt like crap. The entire day, I couldn't think about anything else and wondered how I had just scarred my child.

What is wrong with me? I should be grateful and full of love and patience for my child....not yell when I'm frustrated or look forward to nap time so I can regain my composure. Where did my confidence go where I knew I could handle all this and knew my patience would be enough? And why is it so easy to loose it? Why is it so easy to become frustrated with someone so innocent and is only learning all your rules?

I'm getting my haircut at noon. It couldn't come at a better time. I need a break. Although I'm sure Asher will wake up in a much better mood...well, one can hope anyway!

The thought of becoming a parent and the reality of it, is so very different. A person just has no idea until they're in the thick of it. And I've only gotten 16 months of it...so I know I have WAY more to learn and experience...but man, what a reality check! What am I in for in 6 months when baby 3.0 comes into our lives? I'm worried. I no longer have the innocent 'things will be lovely' outlook. Reality has set it and I just pray that God gives me the strength to raise both of my living children with all the love, support and patience I have.