preggers update
I hit 9 weeks last week. Though my belly looks like the baby's 4 months along! Oye. I'm starting to 'feel' pregnant. My belly feels full and tight. I can't lay on my stomach anymore and even when I lay too far over on my side, I get ligament pain.
I have an ultrasound next week Thursday and I'm nervous. I keep getting a feeling that the baby will already be gone. I'm dreading the appointment...but there's another side of me that thinks that the news would be a kind of relief. Does that make me a horrible person? I mean, I want this child. More that I can express. But if I lose the baby now, I won't have to deliver and hold another lifeless child. There won't be a blood stained blanket wrapped up in a painted box to place in my 'hope' chest. There won't be another canister of ashes resting on my piano or photo's of another lifeless child hanging on my wall.
I want this child, but I'm so afraid of what's to come. I'm afraid to bond with this child...and if I see him or her on that screen, I can no longer ignore that there's a child growing within me. I keep thinking of things that I may need when this child comes home, but I refuse to buy anything. Well, I did buy one thing. A plush giraffe for the crib that you can wind up and it plays twinkle, twinkle little star...Asher's favorite song. Even that though made me feel as if I jinxed myself.
2 nights ago, I had a dream that I went to a memorial...it was vague and I'm not sure who's memorial it was, though I know it was for a child and I had asked my friend if she wanted me to bring something in remembrance of her son Charlie. I woke in a panic. Both with Jorai and Selah, I had death dreams. With Jorai, I just played it off...with Selah, it startled me...but I pushed it off to the side. I never had a death dream with Asher. So I keep wondering...was my dream about this new baby? With Jorai and Selah dreams, I held them and knew they were mine...this dream was really vague...so was it just a memorial dream...or was it a miscarriage dream?
I'm trying to push it away. I'm trying to ignore it. But it's still lingering there...haunting me.
I'm not sure what they'll see at my ultrasound next week. I'll only be 10 weeks...I know we'll be able to see a heartbeat. But what else? I'll be going to a perinatologist soon too. I hope he'll be able to take a good look at the cord...and I pray I'm carrying a boy. I know it won't take all my fears away...but it will sure help a little.
There's your update. I'm excited about the possibility to birth and raise another child. Too see Asher with a living sibling would be amazing...but I'm nervous. Petrified really...and I think it will only get worse once 20 weeks hits. I'm dreading it.
I have an ultrasound next week Thursday and I'm nervous. I keep getting a feeling that the baby will already be gone. I'm dreading the appointment...but there's another side of me that thinks that the news would be a kind of relief. Does that make me a horrible person? I mean, I want this child. More that I can express. But if I lose the baby now, I won't have to deliver and hold another lifeless child. There won't be a blood stained blanket wrapped up in a painted box to place in my 'hope' chest. There won't be another canister of ashes resting on my piano or photo's of another lifeless child hanging on my wall.
I want this child, but I'm so afraid of what's to come. I'm afraid to bond with this child...and if I see him or her on that screen, I can no longer ignore that there's a child growing within me. I keep thinking of things that I may need when this child comes home, but I refuse to buy anything. Well, I did buy one thing. A plush giraffe for the crib that you can wind up and it plays twinkle, twinkle little star...Asher's favorite song. Even that though made me feel as if I jinxed myself.
2 nights ago, I had a dream that I went to a memorial...it was vague and I'm not sure who's memorial it was, though I know it was for a child and I had asked my friend if she wanted me to bring something in remembrance of her son Charlie. I woke in a panic. Both with Jorai and Selah, I had death dreams. With Jorai, I just played it off...with Selah, it startled me...but I pushed it off to the side. I never had a death dream with Asher. So I keep wondering...was my dream about this new baby? With Jorai and Selah dreams, I held them and knew they were mine...this dream was really vague...so was it just a memorial dream...or was it a miscarriage dream?
I'm trying to push it away. I'm trying to ignore it. But it's still lingering there...haunting me.
I'm not sure what they'll see at my ultrasound next week. I'll only be 10 weeks...I know we'll be able to see a heartbeat. But what else? I'll be going to a perinatologist soon too. I hope he'll be able to take a good look at the cord...and I pray I'm carrying a boy. I know it won't take all my fears away...but it will sure help a little.
There's your update. I'm excited about the possibility to birth and raise another child. Too see Asher with a living sibling would be amazing...but I'm nervous. Petrified really...and I think it will only get worse once 20 weeks hits. I'm dreading it.
Comments
My fingers are crossed that everything goes swimmingly at your ultrasound and that all is well.
:)