What milk is this?

30 June 2011

In an attempt not to waste any mama milk, I decided to fill Asher's nap bottle (yes, he still gets a bottle for nap and night...don't judge!) with some left over breast milk. I figured it hasn't been all that long since he nursed, and he nursed for so long that he probably wouldn't care. So I filled it and gave it to him and turned around to get Greyson...from in his room I hear a whine then a "Mama, wass this? Wass milk is this? Wass bottle? Me no like this bottle!" I tried to explain to him how special that milk was and how much he used to like that kind of milk. I told him it was nursing milk and so good for him. "No Mama, no like this bottle! Me like different bottle." Of course all said in his perfect little whine.

So, down the stairs I go, watch the precious milk cascade down the drain and watch the cow milk take it's place. boo. As soon as I gave the new bottle to Asher he exclaimed "I like this bottle Mama!" "Me like this milk!". boo boo! I was going to sneak it into his cereal this morning but decided to give it to him at his nap...maybe I should have poured it over his cereal. My son's growing up. And I know it's exciting, but it's also so sad!

life update

28 June 2011

I feel as if I'm in a whirlwind! What a difference life has been, going from 1 living child to two. Wowza! I'm exhausted. truly exhausted. Emotionally as well as physically, but I love nearly every moment! Yes, there are times I want to run screaming, but I love my boys. And what a joy it's been seeing the differences in them and watching the awestruck in Greyson's eyes every time he watches his big brother. It's so cool. I can already see the love between them. Asher still is completely in love with his little brother as well. I love seeing that.

Asher keeps talking about his baby sister. It's weird. I'm sure he's just confused as we talk to him about his older and younger sisters, but it's weird hearing him talk about his baby sister. Just hearing the word sister sends chills down my spine. He was so young when we lost Selah. Though he knew something happened, he never really got it. And though he sees pictures of his sisters and we celebrate their life, I know that his little 3 year old brain, can't comprehend the loss of his sisters. But still, when he asks about his baby sister, though I know he means his baby brother, it twinges a bit.

Asher is amazing. He's really testing his boundaries and can be a tough nugget to be around at times, he is so witty and hilarious, within minutes he's making me laugh. His speech and knowledge has sky rocketed in the past few months. The things he comes up with or knows the answer to, amazes me. And some of his statements crack me up every time he says them...

  • "I no no...I no no Mama." = I don't know.
  • "I no feel happy."
  • "I feel happy now!"
  • "fire fire" = fire fighter
  • "guys" = for any play person
  • "I like that show!"
  • "Me do it", "me on it"....
  • "Bad boy gun" = any gun
  • When ever we pass a J. Popper (tractor), any construction vehicle or a motorcycle Asher says "me on it?" "No Asher, those don't belong to us and they're for big big boys" "Papa's a big big boy. Papa on it.".
  • When ever I don't let him do something he says "Papa let me help."
  • "All myself Mama, all myself"
  • "Baby brother likes me."
Greyson...what a little gem. He's such a chill little guy. As long as he can sleep and eat, he's happy. He will sit and play on his own. He looks around and smiles at every thing and will let anyone hold him. His face lights up when he smiles and though I may wake in the morning completely sleep deprived, one smile from him, makes the world seem brighter. He couldn't be more opposite from Asher and so it's been cool seeing their differences...and it will be cool to see them grow up and change. As healthy as Asher was as an infant, Greyson has been different. He's already had 3 colds. The doctor thinks he may have a narrowing of his vocal cords...we're seeing a pulmonologist this Friday...and he has a Preauricular Ear Pit. We have an appointment for an ear, nose, throat doc to start a relationship with in-case anything happens with that. It's crazy to think back to Asher's health and compare it to Greyson who has 2 specialists at 4 months of age! But all in all...he's healthy and happy and really, a joy to be with.

Steve and I...we're well. Tired and stretched, but well. Our loss site is up and running and I've noticed some traffic on it. I need to fix a few things, add a few pages and 'pretty' it up a bit, but for the most part, I'm happy with it. It brings me joy to know that it's being used. I've even seen it mentioned on a babycenter post. So I know people are finding it which is cool! I'm still struggling with my losses. It's easier to live day to day without my girls, but at the same time, their absents is deafening and there's not one day that goes by without me thinking of them. It's hard. I can't imagine losing a child whom I actually got to spend time with. It has to be a devastation that aches all the more. For me, I ache to see my girls faces, hear their laughter and feel their warmth...while at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling that because if I hadn't have lost Jorai, I wouldn't have Asher. If I hadn't lost Selah, I wouldn't have had Greyson. It's such a catch 22. Whatever that means.

All in all, we're going swimmingly. We have two healthy and happy and boisterous boys. Steve and I are both healthy. We feel as if we're really reaching out and maybe making a difference in peoples lives through our loss site, which is what I've wanted ever since we lost Jorai. We are now in a life group which we love and have grown close with the other two couples. And yeah...all is good.

lil' boys

14 June 2011


Here's a comparison of my two boys. Both taken nearly at the same age, 3/4ish months in the same outfit. It's so crazy to see how different they look. And Asher was so much larger. The crazy thing is that he's actually nearly 4 weeks older than Greyson and he still looks bigger! It's so fun to watch them grow. I love it. Being a mom to them is worth all the loss and tears. What a joy they are in my life. What a complete joy.

birthday cake~ BEST chocolate cake recipe!

12 June 2011


I've come to the realization that I'm physically unable to make a 'pretty' cake or pie...and that's OK, because what they lack in beauty, they surpass in taste. I've had to embrace it! I have to admit, I'm a pretty good baker. I don't know how I became one. I probably got it from my mom because she rocks in the baking department, but she can make things look wonderful. I'm the kind of baker where you look at my creation and think "wow...this is going to suck!", but then you taste it and are pleasantly surprised. Case in point, Asher's birthday cake. I had such grand plans to make an awesome drum major hat cake, but it just didn't work out. It was cute and all, but in no way what I thought it would be. And though the cake was seriously the best cake I've ever made, it was incredibly hard to ice. Even when I put a crumb coat on it. I made some chocolate instrument molds that I used to cover up some mistakes, and those turned out super yummy too.

If you need a fairly easy chocolate cake recipe, look no further. This is by far the best chocolate cake I've ever had.

Source: the vast world wide web

2 cups sugar
1 cup oil
(I used olive oil)
2 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup HOT coffee
2 tsp vanilla extract
3/4 cups cocoa powder
2 cups cake flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
1/2 cup sour cream
1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2. Grease and flour your cake pan(s) (2 round, or 1 sheet) (or line cupcake tins~I made both).
3. Add all dry ingredients (except sugar) to a bowl and whisk to combine.
4. In mixer, add sugar and oil and mix to combine.
5. Add eggs one at a time until incorporated.
6. Slowly add milk, coffee and vanilla extract.
7. Add dry ingredients in increments with mixer on low speed.
8. Add sour cream and stir to combine. (I used Greek yogurt)

***this batter is super thin. don't worry!!!***

9. Pour into cake pans and transfer to oven.
10. Bake for 40 minutes or until toothpick inserted comes out clean.

I topped both the cake and cup-cakes with cream-cheese frosting, though the next time I may just use a fresh whipped cream. The cake is super rich and moist and really doesn't need a heavy frosting, though the cream cheese frosting was yum.

Happy birthday Jorai!

03 June 2011


Jorai would have been 4 years old today. I can't believe it's been four years since I met her and held her and told her how much I loved her. Four years ago my life changed forever in so many ways. I'll never be the same.

Each year, we celebrate her brief life on the anniversary of her birth. Yet birth to me has always meant life and she never had one outside of me. I still try to wrap my mind around all of it but come up with nothing. How do you celebrate a birthday for someone who never lived on earth? But how can you not as well? How could I ignore my daughters life? It's such a dichotomy.

So, today my sweet baby girl would have been four. I miss her like mad. I wish I could see her face, her eyes, her smile. I wish I could hear her laugh, her little voice. I wish I could feel her skin, her embrace. I wish, I wish...

Happy birthday sweet baby girl. I miss you, we miss you. I love you, we love you. Wish you were here my love. We'll celebrate your life with cupcakes and candles. Sending big, big hugs up to heaven for you.