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Showing posts from 2012

Parenting woes.

This topic has been on my mind a ton lately so I figured I'd write out my feelings for others to relate to or maybe learn from...Let me start here...

I have two healthy, amazing, fun young children.  When Asher was a baby, he exceeded  nearly all of his "milestones" until he started missing his speech milestones.  He was my first that I got to watch grow.  I was a stay at home mom and I'm a bit neurotic about teaching.  So I worked with him a ton.  We read everyday...all day.  He loved to read.  We used flash cards at an early age and he learned how to sign.  Of course he spoke, but not a ton.  At the time, a woman was in my life that I had considered a friend, though she truly wasn't and looking back I realized that her tearing me down was a way for her to feel better about herself.  But she would, nearly weekly, tell me how delayed my son was.  She would talk about her speech therapist friend, how she talked to her about my child, how she agreed that he was seve…

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Wow!   It's been awhile!   Sorry I've been so out of touch.  I need to get back into writing.  I think I've just been so spent with the boys, I end up just chilling when the silence finally comes.  Sorry!

I wanted to talk a little bit about Infant Loss and Remembrance Day.   What does it mean, to me, that is. 

I posted today on Facebook about it.  I think I posted 3 posts.  All about loss and remembrance.  I think a day like this is awesome.  I think its important.  But does it make me sad?  Usually not so much.  

It's been nearly 3 years since I've lost Selah.  Nearly 6, since I've lost Jorai.  I still miss them dearly.  I still struggle at times with guilt and anger and loss.  I still have nights where all I can think about are the nights I birthed them and held them and ultimately had to hand their bodies over to someone who would forever take them away.  I still struggle.  But I also still laugh, a lot.  I still live, a ton.  I still love, always.  

You see, a …

Crazy Town...just another babyloss confession...

After living with and raising two healthy boys for the past four years, I still freak out all the time that they will die in their sleep.  Today Greyson was still sleeping at 4:45.  He didn't make one sound from the time I put him down around 1 and I was starting to worry.  He normally naps for 2-3 hours, but he had been sleeping nearly 4 hours.  I was going to post on facebook if I should wake a sleeping baby or not...but then my first thought was..."what if he's dead and then I have to let everyone know we've lost another babe.".  

I know.  I'm crazy.  So...

I went upstairs, praying the whole time, and crept into his room and touched his arm.  Cold.  His skin was cold.  Too cold.  My heart sank.  I couldn't see him breathe.  I couldn't hear him breather.  I touched his tummy and still, he didn't move.  He was still.  I panicked. I tried to feel his breath...and still nothing.  

Freak out!

And then it happened.  He moved.  He rolled over and then he…

Memorial Ink

In two days I am finally getting memorial tattoo's for my beautiful baby girls.  I've thought a ton about this.  I've never gotten a tattoo before.  It's something I've wanted for so long.  I have a ton of friends that are inked and I find them beautiful.  But I've never found anything that I've wanted to place on my body forever...but then Jorai passed...and then Selah.  I thought about getting tattoo's of their names, and of their foot prints or their hand prints...but then I found it.  Something that represented them perfectly and something I knew that I could look at for the rest of my life and love.  A sweet little swirly, girly heart.  Two actually.  A similarly different one on each wrist with Jorai's name under the one on my left wrist, Selah on my right.  

I've gotten two questions when I've told people about my memorial tattoo's.  One is simply, why am I getting them.  The other is if I'll get tattoo's for my sons as wel…

The in-between

I have to admit that some times, I truly fantasize about death.  Not because I'm morbid or suicidal.  Not because I truly want to be, but because I'm only half...or maybe three quarters here on earth.  


I fantasize about who I'll see first.  Jesus?  My grandparents?  Friends?  Or will I see my daughters.  Will I care?  Because if I'm being honest here, I feel like I'd push all the above to the side to get a clear look at my girls.   I know, as a Christian, that's horrible.  I know there should be no one more important than Christ.  But to just get a look at my daughters.  To feel them and talk to them and look into their eyes.   Wow.  I can't wait.  I have a lot of living to do.  For Christ, for myself and for my living children.  But I seriously can't wait.  


I have to say that one of the things that crushes me about non-believers, is that they believe when their loved ones die, their gone.  forever.  Period.  Never, ever will they see them again.  I can…

Cloth diaper quandary

I purchased a ton of Bum Genius diapers for my first son, and though we loved them, we found them to be a little snug for the monstrosity I call Asher. I was able to get through almost 2 years with Asher and then we had to put him in disposables, because he was just too big and we could no longer get a good fit in the BG. We also had/have fuzzi bunz, which are a little larger and a few Thirsties, which were lovely.
Then we had Greyson, who at first we thought was going to be our little guy...but not so much. Weighing in at nearly 30 pounds at 14 months and in 2T shirts, he not only has some girth but also a long torso, making the BG nearly impossible to wear. We can get them on, but the velcro tabs are barely on the sticky tab and they sit right at his upper thighs. If we're not careful, they cut up his legs. Which happens nearly every time my lovely husband helps out and changes a diaper. We can still get a decent fit using fuzzi bunz and and awesome fit in the Thirsties D…

2 years old

My sweet Selah Mae should have been born on this day, two years ago. To think I could have a 2 year old daughter running around, crushes me. To be honest the day started just as any other day, and like any other day, the crushing feeling of loss sneaks up out of nowhere. Coupled with my current sleep deprivation, the day has been a rough one. It's strange really. Some "big" days come and go with little to no sorrow and then wham-o, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
And then the guilt hits. I think the guilt is the killer part. The thoughts of, why didn't I look at her more or take more photo's. I don't remember what her face looks like. And I don't have photo's to go back to. I only have her tiny feet and tiny hands. The fingers that were nearly too tiny to wrap around my own. Their coldness. I can still feel that. The cold, dry touch of death. The weightlessness of your child who was suppose to come into the world warm and pink, scre…

yeah, I suck...it's been awhile, but here's an update!

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Wow, I keep thinking, "I need to post...I need to post, something!". But then I don't and another week passes. I look back at my pre-kiddo days and notice that I posted a ton. A ton. Obviously after the girls I posted for therapy, but I also used to post a ton on Asher so I would have his memories written down. Poor Greyson. I have posted no pictures...very few posts. Well, let me say, I LOVE MY SONS! And all the lack of posts do not represent my loss of words or memories of them...just lack of time! Which I guess is a good thing, but I do want to share. So here's a quick update...

Asher (aka the Abominable Snowman) What a joy you are! Such a challenging, exhausting, loud, lovable, comedic, stinky, cuddly, joy filled little man you are! You make me laugh and usually cry every day. You love your brother so much it hurts!You are one of the most caring souls I have ever met, yet most of the time it's hidden under your giant blast of energy.The other da…

Broken Things ~ Julie (and Buddy) Miller

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Totally random. But today I've been a bit weepy...not sure why...hormones or the loss of the house we really wanted or exhaustion...I don't know and it doesn't matter. But as I was sitting here tring to complete my BSF study for the week, this song popped up. It's always held such a special place in my heart so I wanted to share. It's Broken Things by Julie Miller. Such a beautiful song.


You can have my heart Though it isn't new It's been used and broken And only comes in blue It's been down a long road And it got dirty on the way If I give it to you will you make it clean And wash the shame away
You can have my heart If you don't mind broken things You can have my life if you don't mind these tears Well I heard that you make old things new So I give these pieces all to you If you want it you can have my heart
So beyond repair Nothing I could do I tried to fix it myself But it was only worse when I got through Then you walked into my darkness And you speak …

roller coaster of life

A friend came up to me last night to tell me that I've been on her heart and in her thoughts and prayers, or more so, my losses have been. And I was touched. It's been a while since someone has told me that they have been thinking of our losses. And so we started talking about loss and trauma and such and I was telling her that I've gotten to a place where I feel OK about things. I mean, don't get me wrong, it still sucks and I miss them like crazy, but on a day to day basis...I'm OK.
Since losing Jorai, I've wanted to get a memorial tattoo. But I'm not really a tattoo kind of person. So I could never make up my mind. Then when we lost Selah, again, I got this itch to do something. I think it's part the pain of the actual tattoo, plus the permanence...almost saying "OK, try to take this away!" As I shake my fist...But really, it's just something I can always look down upon and think "yeah, my baby girls are right here.".…