hickeys

31 October 2008

if you notice a hickey on my neck the next time you see me, it's not from steve. my wonderful son has started to mark his territory. the past week he's developed the habit of grabbing my neck with his vulcan death grip when i pick him up to nurse. i think he gets so excited that he can't contain his emotions. and for all of you who have felt his manly grip, i know you're probably feeling for me right now! its quite painful. i'm working on discouraging the behavior, but it's kinda hard to discipline a 20 week old.

so yes, i have hickeys on my neck. from my son. joy.

and if that's not enough, once he's nursing, he's constantly reaching up to either pull my lips off or smack my face. i can't tell if he's just exploring or if he thinks my singing is atrocious. i'm starting to get a complex.

go vote

thanks to noel who posted this..


lil' miss Jorai

27 October 2008

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my friend beth found this super sweet organization that will write the name of a child you've lost in the sand and then post it on this site as a remembrance. i gave them Jorai's info last week. here's her photo.




Jorai Mae Newman
Born sleeping on 3 June 2007
Lansing, MI USA

My sweet Jorai Mae,

Although your physical life is now in Heaven,
you continue to grace
our lives each and every day.
I want you to know that because of
you,
our lives have been forever changed.
Though it's hard to know

that we'll always have a piece of our family missing here on earth,
I
realize now,
that we were blessed beyond measure to have known you,
our amazing little girl,
for 7 beautiful and exciting months.
We may
have only gotten to hold you
for a brief moment,
we may never know
the girl and woman you would have become,
and your brother will never
have his big sister here on earth,
but we got to feel you and love
you
and dream about a life with you for 7 wonderful months.
Because
of that brief moment in time,
you will forever be part of us, and
us,
a part of you.
You're our little girl, our precious daughter,
and we will always cherish you and our short time together.

You will always be with us,
a part of our family,
and you will always
be our daughter and a big sister.
Nothing can take that away from
us.
Not even the silence and separation of death.
We miss you every
day my sweet
child and we will love you for all time.

Until we meet again, your Mama, Papa and baby brother.

coincidence or does heat really affect sleep?

24 October 2008

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i turned our heat up to 66 last night. i thought i would increase it a few degrees at a time to see where asher liked it best. he's sleeping pattern the past few weeks has been:
asleep between 7-8
wake at 12 or 1 to nurse and change and back to sleep within 30 minutes
wake at 3ish
wake at 4ish
wake at 5ish, unless i have already brought him unto bed...if i haven't, i do now.
steve will take him around 5:30-6:30 for a bit and then bring him back upstairs to our bed to sleep from 7:30-9ish with me.

last night he slept from:
7:20-12:45 (nursed, changed and back to bed by 1:20)
woke at 4:45 (i brought him into bed because i was too tired to nurse him sitting up!)
at 6:30 steve took him downstairs to play and then brought him back up at 7:30.
slept with me from 7:30-9:15!
wowza!!!

i hope this lasts! i like this sleeping pattern much better!! thanks for the advice ladies!!!

week 19

23 October 2008

week 18

week 17

baby questions

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what do you mamas keep your house temperature at both during the day and at night? and

what kind of sleeper/blanket do you use?

asher is usually a hot blooded little boy, but lately at night, he wakes up cold. i've been putting him in a fleece sleeper with a fleece blanket sack on top and a fleece hat to sleep in...i'm starting to wonder if our house is too cold. we keep the heat at 64. is that too cold? i can't find any info online about it.

thanks mamas!

wrapped up in Jorai

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2 days before we lost Jorai, my mom gave me the blanket she had knit for her. the yarn was a soft red/blue and white. it turned out as a soft pinkish/purpley. even though we didn't know for sure she was a girl at the time, it ended up being so cool that she was a girl. the blanket fit her so well.

since her birth and death, i haven't been able to put her blanket away. i used to keep it lying across asher's crib, her crib. but then when we transitioned asher into the crib, i had to move it. so i placed it on the rocking chair in his nursery. with it being so cold, i've been using it to keep asher and i warm while i nurse him at night.

last night as we were snuggling, i wrapped him and i up in her blanket and i got the feeling as if i was wrapping us up in her love. i know it sounds silly, but i have so little of her that i can touch. that blanket, her blanket, i can touch. and i can wrap up her brother in it. that simplicity, brings me joy.

has it already begun?

22 October 2008

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after i nursed asher tonight, i handed him off to steve to get him down so i could return to my meeting. after about 30 minutes of hearing his restlessness i went back upstairs to try to calm him down to sleep.

that didn't work very well...the screaming began and continued for a long, long time. screaming as we have never heard before. i tried nursing him, lying down with him, rocking, singing...you name it. nothing helped. and it just got worse and worse until we were really starting to think there was something wrong with him. so, we decided to take him downstairs to calm him down.

seriously, the second our foot touched the first stair, he looked at me, stopped crying and smiled. smiled! what a little stinker. then another smile, and another. a smile? seriously?

we stayed downstairs for about 15 minutes and them i took him back upstairs to get him down. after another 15 minutes or so of rocking, swaying, singing and playing his womb mp3, he finally fell asleep.

can a 19 week old really already be playing these games, or was his smiling just a fluke? if he's already playing us, i think we're in a world of hurt! such a stinker!!

but i have to say, that smile of his, melts me every time. every time. no matter what the circumstance or time, i would give the world for just 1 of his smiles. he already has me wrapped around his little finger doesn't he?!?

another confession

those brownies i told you about in my last post...i'm really making them solely because i want them very badly and because we have a meeting tonight, i can justify making them better than just making them for myself.

man, i'm a crappy person!

hopefully that will end this confession thread. well, at least until the next thought that springs into my mind or action i make!

confession

ya gotta love it when God shows you somethings and you end up feeling like a giant jerk.

i was just running around like a mad woman trying to make brownies and clean before a ministry meeting tonight, as if they'd care that my house is trashed, but i digress, when i came across a jacket of steve's on the couch...my immediate thought was one of frustration. as if he thinks i have all the time in the world to pick up his crap...yea, i was in a moment of frustration and weakness...anyway, i literally rounded the corner to see not one but 2 of my jackets on the table.

thank you for showing me once again, how crappy i can be Lord! please help me to show more grace!

thanks for reading my confession...i feel better for being such a jerk.

gulp...

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i just ordered this...we had help in the form of an early christmas present and a large baby item return. i was going to wait to order it until the winter as i was putting money away every month for it, but i was noticing that ashers infant seat was getting surprisingly snug. yesterday i looked at the height/weight limitations and noticed that the height limitation is 28.5"...2 weeks ago asher measured in at 28"! no wonder the little tyke is all cramped in that seat. bad mama!

well, this one goes up to 4'9" and 65lbs! so i think we have it covered. and it's cow print.super cool. i can't wait for it to arrive!!

cd woes

21 October 2008

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i'm giving up on cloth diapers for a few weeks. i'm pissed and i'm just allowing myself to get more and more pissed as the days pass. i've striped them 3 times now...still leaking. it sucks. some times they're ok...today within 3 hours i went through 3 diapers and now have to wash our sheets since one of them leaked as i was nursing asher in bed this morning.

i wanted to keep asher's bum wrapped in cloth, but for now, it's just not happening. i could try to buy things to replace the bum genius or cover his bum genius in wool, but that would be more money for possibly nothing. i'm hoping it's a fit issue and by giving it some time, he'll fill out to fit the cloth diaps better. but my hands are raw from scrubbing and all the scorching water i've been using and, well, it sucks worrying all the time if he'll soak through a diaper when we're out or if it will wake him from his sleep. so screw it.

seventh gen. diapers are on sale at big lots for $8 for a 40 pack. i'm going today to stock up. maybe in a few weeks we'll give the cloth a go again. but for now, good riddens bum genius. i'm sad, but i need a break.

why o'why are you leaking?!? it makes me sad to say goodbye.

christmas in october?

20 October 2008

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ferris was having their homecoming this last weekend, so we decided to drive up for the night to visit my folks and hit the parade. it was asher's first parade and he liked it...no screaming! while we were there, my folks asked if we wanted to go pick out our christmas tree. their friends have a tree farm in big rapids and every tree is $30. they told us to go out and pick a tree and then in dec. my folks can go cut it and bring it down to lansing for us. we thought it may be easier with asher this year, so we went out to take a look. i've never picked out a tree in october...it was nice. warm. i did miss the snow, but not the cold! here are some pics.






remembrance

16 October 2008

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here's a picture of the candle asher and i lit for Jorai last night. steve was in class, so he couldn't be here to light it. but i kept the candle going until he got home so he could blow it out.

i love being able to share Jorai with ash. last night i was
telling him about Jorai and when i held her picture up to him, he smiled his big toothless grin. it brought me such joy.

the dark cloud

15 October 2008

is it bitterness? pride? is it anger? insecurity? or superiority? is it a ball of emotions or just a simple case of frustration? what ever the description, it sucks. plain and simple. the dark cloud that swoops in and destroys a seemingly lovely day simply sucks. you don't know where it comes from or how it arrived, you just wish it didn't come.

it changes your day. your outlook. it changes your mood and laughter. it makes you think about your own actions, as if you've done something wrong. you revisit and rewrite scenarios over and over in your head, as if you could change the outcome. it lingers like an unwanted guest, or more like the stank a skunk leaves, just lingering for hours, making you mad and frustrated and you just can't seem to let it all go.

dark clouds suck. i don't know what brings them or how the clouds 'cloud' your judgment and seem to take over your emotions...it reminds me of evil. i think the dark one thrives on dark clouds. he lives for them. lives for the division and yuckiness that comes with them. he laughs in victory when dark clouds enter the rooms of friends, of believers. he can taste the sadness, the bitterness, the spirit of darkness that clouds our hearts and minds. it's like venom. it infects.

i never understood these clouds. how they can take over a persons love and rational thought. life's too short to let these clouds destroy us. as much as i want to be bitter and bring the rains down to accompany the dark clouds, i need to just push away my selfish desires and instead, shine the light of Christ so bright that the dark clouds simply dissipate away.

please pray i can be light instead of rain.

remembering miss Jorai Mae

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asher and i'll be lighting a candle tonight at 7 to celebrate and remember our amazing daughter and sister. please join us in remembering Jorai and the countless other babies who graced our lives for such a brief time.

i love you baby girl. we miss you.

growth spurt

13 October 2008

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i wonder how painful it is to grow. asher is such a trooper. he's usually happy, unless he's overly tired, which has been happening quite a bit, or teething..another frequent occurrence. but growing has to be painful. your skin and bones stretching, your organs...ouch.

asher had his 4 month appointment today. in 2 months he's grown 3 inches, put on 4 pounds, his head has grown an inch as well as his chest. crazy. so what does that mean? well the silly percentile chart says that he's off the chart for height, in 95% for weight and 75% for head circumference. what a big boy.

we had another discussion about vaccines today. i'm thinking now of waiting for 6 months and then getting dtap, pneumococcal
and hib. one each month/month 1/2. but i don't know...that could change too. but for now, that's what we're thinking.

other than that, all is well in baby land, other than being exceptionally fussy today. i feel so bad for the little man. pushing teeth out sucks.

oh, and i've done 3 loads of laundry today on the same load of diapers trying to strip them. we'll see what happens.

leaky diaper help

12 October 2008

for all you cd'ing mama's, i need your help. i've been having a hard time with asher's bum genius leaking at night. it's not an absorbency thing. last night he wet through one he was only in for 3 hours and then another for 30 minutes. sometimes it goes out his back, but most it goes out the side, near the tab. i'm getting sick of it. having to change the bed sheets and him twice a night is ridiculous. we don't have the problem at all during the day. and we use the same diapers in the day as the night. the only thing i can think of is that maybe he's at an in between height/weight where if he lays on his side or back, the diaper doesn't fit him well.

for those of you who use bum genius, have you had this problem? what do you wear for night time? i don't want to go to prefolds at night. i don't want him to be wet all night, that's why we chose the pocket diapers. but i'm willing to try something else. i'm very close to going out to get disposables for night.

has any one tried the g-diaper? i'm thinking about this diaper too...but it's just as expensive at the bum genius diapers...and then if those don't work either, i'd be screwed out of another 40-60 bucks.

are their any suggestions out there? i am going to strip my diapers tomorrow, though i know that's not the problem.

interesting view point from an 8 year old boy

08 October 2008

i was talking to my sister-in-law this morning about the debate last night. she was telling me how my 8 year old nephew has been really interested in the debates and so they've let him watch them. though she knows he doesn't really grasp all the topics, she asked him who he would want to be president. he said barack obama. when she asked why he'd want obama over mccain, he said 'i don't think mccain is telling the truth.'.

i just thought that was interesting.

asher week 16

07 October 2008

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why i love goodwill

05 October 2008

yesterday i needed to find clothes. none of my shirts fit. i've been wearing pregnancy shirts since last year because since i gave birth to Jorai, all of my pre-preggo shirts have become crop shirts. i'm tired of it and i'm tired of 'getting my body back'. but i'm cheap, so i went to good will. for less than 27 bucks, this is what i came home with:

a new, i think, pair of j crew pants. super cool.
a cashmere anne klein sweater
a cotton zip sweater from j crew
a wool zip sweater from american eagle
a super thick cotton long sleeve shirt from old navy
a wrap shirt from anne klein that is perfect for nursing
and a trendy mod shirt from someone i've never heard of

sweetness! i would like a few more shirts, so i think i'll hit world mission this week. but still, sweet score for goodwill!

time

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time sure flies. i was talking to a new welcome team member last night about how, if we had one, my 15 year high school reunion would have been this year. 15 years! wowza. it seems like just yesterday i was roaming the halls of high school.

last weekend steve and i celebrated our 2 year anniversary. 2 years! it seems as if it were yesterday that i was walking down the aisle to some sweet psalter music to my now, amazing husband. it seems as if it was yesterday that noel and jr asked us when we were going to start trying for children at the riv Christmas cele. and we told them that we were pregnant! it seems like it was just yesterday that we lost Jorai, that we were going through our mourning processes and the pain seemed never ending...it was only a year and 1 week ago when we found out we were pregnant again with asher, yet it seems ever shorter than that.

time flies. in the 2 years that steve and i have been married we have felt such joy, such sorrow, such blessing and such loss. i remember in high school how long 2 years felt, yet now, at 33, it flies.

we're tentatively thinking about trying to get pregnant again next mayish...and yet as far as that is away, it feels like next month already. am i ready? can i handle 2 children? we wanted our children close, but since i was pregnant for nearly 2 years my body has about had it. and then, the what if's...what if we lost another child. could i handle that? i don't want my mind to go there, but of course it will. in another 2 years, will we have 2 earthly babies? that's just crazy to think about.

time flies. i wish i could slow it all down...asher's getting so big. only 16 weeks, but so big. smiling and getting excited and almost rolling over. such a big boy. i want to savor every moment.

steve mentioned yesterday, how in a few years, asher may be walking down the stairs to find us for comfort after a bad dream. to think of that is amazing. i remember crawling into my parents bed after having a bad dream and i know how i'll savor those same moments with asher. knowing that steve and i are his comfort. but i know those times too will fly by and soon he'll be in high school himself. this is all just so crazy to me. and why am i even thinking about it now, as he's only 16 weeks...

again, i just want to savor every moment.

why short hair is cool

you can go to bed with a wet head and wake the next morning with a fauxhawk!