29 November 2008
asher has started doing something new when he's excited or mad or sleepy or, well, whenever he wants. he grasps a hold on my neck with his sticky little hands. then he digs his sharp baby nails into my flesh to scratch the snot out of me.
i'm starting to worry about my future daughter in law. i hope he grows outta this! here's a pic of some of his recent carnage.
why don't we have healthy fast food restaurants. it would be so cool if they had drive thru's at panera bread or omi or subway. being a woman without a baby, i never understood that, but now, i do.
see, currently i'm sitting in my driveway, with gut rot. asher fell asleep on the car ride home from my physical therapy appointment. i was driving around a bit to get him to sleep when i realized that i hadn't eating lunch. i drove from east lansing to west lansing, trying to find a somewhat healthy drive thru i could hit. there are none. with asher sleeping, i could go home and leave him in the car, but i risk him waking up. i don't want to run into a store to get something to eat and leave him alone in the car...so i have to choose to go without or stop off at a fast food place.
i chose the fast food place...and now i have a headache and gut rot. i now want to purge everything out, but i know that won't alleviate the gut rot or headache, so what's the point. i guess i just don't know why good, healthy restaurants don't have drive thru's. as a stay at home mama, i think it would be a great marketing idea.
that and something that mimics the vibration of a car ride. i've been sitting in this car now for almost 2 hours. i don't want to move in fear of waking asher. he sleeps so wonderfully in the car. i think i need to work on an invention!
my entire family is in mexico for the week. it's a family reunion thing, although we're not there...it's a bummer really. i'm missing the fun my family is probably having in the warmth of mexico at the all inclusive resort...but i know we made the right decision. first off, we couldn't afford it. and second, it would have been horrible taking asher. and seeing he hasn't gotten any of his vaccines, it would have been silly to take him anyway. but i'm still missing the fun. i haven't seen my 1 cousin since steve and i were married and the other cousin since '99. we always have a blast when we all get together so it's just a bummer. i keep thinking about what they may be doing and it bums me out.
i have peace that we made the right decision for our family, but it's still a bummer.
the tooth fairy arrived at our house. as asher was crying this morning, i was able to push his lower lip down to see his gums without him sticking his tongue out. there it was. a little eruption. it looked like a little sore, like a canker sore. but it's there. the top of a small little tooth. as happy as i am to see him growing up, i'm kinda sad too.
i'm going to miss his gummy little smile. but as we're thinking of introducing solid foods soon, i'm sure he's ready to start using his new 'tools'
23 November 2008
i'm not a classical music fan by any means, but there's something about listening to npr on sundays that calms me. having it on, at a low setting, just so you can hear it is soothing. i get excited when it changes back to all things considered or prairie home companion, but still there's something special about the classical music on sundays.
to be able to enjoy a nice cup of coffee or tea and simply take in the silence of the house with the added tone of soft music is so nice. it helps when you have a sleeping child upstairs too...but yeah, npr. good stuff.
for the moment, i feel a calmness that rarely comes any more. i love these brief moments of bliss.
as always, our house is open to anyone who wants to marvel at another season of lost. hope to see you there.
i have a problem. i huge one.
i'm addicted to brownies. preferably warm, moist ones that have just emerged from the oven. i want them all the time. every day. i think about them. they tempt me. their warm gooeyness taunt me. i have a box of dark chocolate ghirardelli ones on top of my fridge right now that keep tapping on my shoulder. it keeps whispering in my ear 'kim, kim...come bake me. you know you want me. i'm so delectable, come on woman. just open the box.'
why, oh why do i have these cravings? i'm trying to be good. i'm trying to get down to a weight that i was at prior to leaving washington. i want to be there by the time i get pregnant again, which could be as soon as april, mayish...so these brownies just don't help. but they call me. they tempt me. and of course as i was searching for a delectable looking brownie picture as a visual aid to this post, i find another yummy recipe to try.
i love and hate the internet today. now, not only do i have the brownie box tempting me, but i have another brownie recipe bookmarked, just waiting for someone to come try it out. ohh brownie, why are you so tempting?
22 November 2008
after an amazing night's sleep on thursday, last night was mediocre and today, horrendous. asher's been super clingy and fussy all day. he took a whopping 30 minute nap between 8am-2pm. i finally convinced steve to take him on a car ride around 4. it was only then that he slept for around an hour and a half. the crazy thing is that as much as he refused sleep during the day, he went down for the night without a hitch.
now, i'm exhausted. i wanted to get a huge dent in the Christmas stockings i'm making for the family, but instead i only made a scratch. but i can't complain. i'm working again on them tonight, but i'm so tired i can barely sew and this afternoon i broke a needle on my machine, so i have to make a run to the store tomorrow. ugh.. they're so cool though and to have them for all 4 of us is going to be sweet.
that's it for now. my bed is calling me. good night. sleep tight.
21 November 2008
i was looking at the wedding video montage mathue made for steve and i back in '06 to see if i can find baby pics of myself that look like ash. i was cracking up the entire time watching it and just felt the need to share it again. so if you want to see growing up pics of steve and i, watch away. if you don't...well, then...don't watch it.
since asher has moved into his own room, we hadn't seen much change in his sleeping habits until last night. last night he went to bed at 7:30 and woke at his normal 11:45 nursing. he then slept from 12ish to 5:10! wowza!!! then again from 5:30ish to 7 and 7:30-9:30.
i felt alive this morning. although my sleep was still broken up, the 5 hour stretch was truly wonderful. oh, how i miss sleep! i hope asher continues to find sleep in the night. i think we both will be much happier campers.
19 November 2008
maybe we should all just stop complaining and realize just how cool we have it!!
but secretly...i kinda miss the old rotary phones.
i set up asher's crib in his room this morning. i'm not sure if my heart is ready for him to be more than a few feet from me at night, i know, silly. but i can honestly say that physically, emotionally and mentally i'm needing this. i have to move him.
for 3 nights he slept alone in our bedroom as we slept in the guest bedroom. he still woke 2-3 times a night, but the stretches were longer apart and he slept until 9:30-10 every morning. last night steve and i returned to our bedroom because we had decided to finally paint the guest bedroom yesterday and the fumes were pretty intense...plus the room was freezing since the windows were open and a fan was exhausting the fumes out. what ensued last night was horrendous.
asher was down by 8:30 and we went to sleep around 11. he first woke at 1, then 3, 4, 5 and 6. i was about ready to lose it mentally. steve got up to help rock him back to sleep at 5, but he only wanted me. i tried to bring him into bed to nurse him but he wanted nothing to do with that. i had to keep taking him into his room to nurse him...though he wasn't really nursing. he'd suckle for a bit and then be out. at 6, he feel asleep pretty quickly but within 15 minutes of me putting him back down in his bed, he woke back up. steve took him downstairs and i finally slept from 6:30-10:30.
i don't know if he can smell me or what. all i know is that it was totally ridiculous. and i'm exhausted and emotionally and physically spent. i can't keep doing this. so, he's moving out. he's up there right now napping in his vibe. he was refusing sleep in his crib, but by the time steve put him in his vibe and starting walking upstairs with him, he was out. stinker!
for the first time since he was born, he's in his own room. although a part of me already misses him so close, steve and i have our room back. no more whispering and tip toeing when we go to bed. and we can re-kindle the love light in that room too. i have to think positive! and that one's huge.
so yeah, my boys growing up. last week he learned to sit up by himself and this week he moving out. they do grow up fast, don't they?!?
14 November 2008
in an attempt to get my son to nap today i went on a drive. an hour and 15 minutes drive. it worked. i'm glad gas prices are so low right now. i felt bad to drive to nowhere and beyond, but i had to. my wits were shot. 2 days of very scant naps makes mama and baby boy very unhappy campers. last nights bed time was horrible. a screaming fest began with the refusal to nurse and almost 40 minutes of blood curdling screams of anger. when i finally got him to sleep with a combination of rocking him in the bathroom with the shower blazing, he was gasping for breath. i've heard children do this. i've done this when the tears and sobs came so hard that i could barely breathe. but to hear my son do it was excruciating. and to hear him do it in his sleep was a killer. oh yeah, and he's tearing now too. so to see his eyelashes wet with tears was so hard.
i don't want another replay of last night. i want him to be happy and content. not screaming and bawling and pissed off at the world. so, we rode. we rode to nap-land and it was a wonderful trip. he woke about 3-4 times for a few moments, but all in all, he slept 1 hour and 45 minutes...30 of them where in the garage.
i simply hope that he's happy tonight and nurses, last night was a bit painful for not nursing for almost 7 hours! i would so like to know why some days he sleeps so wonderfully and other...well..not so much.
i think the lack of sleep is getting to me. lately i've been wanting to give birth again. i've been almost craving it. the whole thing. the contractions, the pressure, the pushing...but most of all the first moment that you get to look into your child's eyes, the wetness and warmth of their body against yours, their smell.
i don't think i'm ready to be pregnant again, let alone try to care for another child. asher keeps me on my toes and at a constant state of sleep deprivation, but i do want to give birth again.
i think i need more sleep!
my heart aches when i hear asher cry. not the fussy cry, but the all out belting from the inside cry. the 'i'm so pissed, i'm about to explode' cry. and it's usually that cry that i have no idea what to do to calm him.
this is what he's been doing lately. this is what he's doing right now. i know he's tired, but he doesn't want to sleep. his teeth hurt, i think. he's frustrated...and so are we.
i'm exhausted too. last night i went to bed at 11:30. asher woke at 1. and then 2. and he was up until 4. 4. i gave him some tylenol and he finally fell asleep until 8. today he's only taken about an hour and a half of naps. he's exhausted. his eyes are red and at times he's inconsolable.
i know how he feels. that's how i felt last night. inconsolable. about ready to crack. i had to pray for patience, because i was literally about ready to blow. i'm sleep deprived. it's been months since i've had a decent block of time where i was able to sleep. i'm starting to go wacky. and then when nights hit where i get no sleep, i crack. thank God for answered prayers. after an almost breaking session last night, i felt a piece. i was able to get my patience under control and get asher back to sleep.
but today i'm simply exhausted. the difference between asher and i, is that when i'm exhausted, i'll sleep. he won't. i get to points where i don't even know what to do. i almost feel like hunkering down in a ball crying as he lays in his crib crying. but i know that won't help either of us.
i just wish i knew what to do to make him comfortable, i wish i knew what i could do to help him sleep. my mind is a fog. my emotions are crazed and my patience is fried.
it's so strange how some nights he's this amazing little sleeper. and others, well, not so much. i think i would do just about anything for a full nights sleep.
01 November 2008
this election is scaring me. well, let me be blunt. it's scaring me shitless. i want to scream from the rooftops to get people to vote...but what i really want is for them to vote my way.
see, the majority has not voted my way in the past 2 elections, and well, we see where the country is now...so i'm anxious. and scared. and i just want it all over.
i'm tired of hearing that my friends aren't voting my way. it makes me scared. it's hard for me to keep silent. i mean, we all have our own opinions, our own agendas and wants...but i just see silliness happening on one side of the political race. i wonder others see the same thing on my side.
in my close minded eyes, i can't see how they could see anything on my side other than a wonderfully exciting change. but then again, i'm not in their shoes. i don't feel their passion, i only feel mine.
i see this country being so much better than it is. it's so one sided right now. it's so, well, not me. so judgmental and belittling, so old, rich, white manish, rather than the melting pot of faith, culture and race that we are. i'm tired of being told what to do, or rather telling others what to do. i'm tired of big oil and turning a blind eye to the planet. i'm tired of watching people get sicker and sicker because they don't have health care...the list goes on.
this is the first race where i've been really excited to talk to people about my choice, but i get so sad when i see other people supporting the other guy. why is that? we all get to voice our voice in this election. it's what makes america cool. we can all have our own opinions and we can all be a part of voting someone into office.
but the selfishness in me wants to 'help' my fiends see 'the light'. i want them to see it my way. as silly as that is. as hypocritical as i am. that's what i want.
it makes me somewhat happy not to know where some of my friends party lines run...although i'm curious, maybe it's better this way. because when i hear a friends votin' for the other guy, i have to bow my head in sadness. so i have to continually remember that they are voting for the person they think will do the best job. it's so hard to realize no matter how close you are to someone, they may have a totally different viewpoint on who would run the country better.
it's kinda scary...and kinda cool...
guess we'll all find out in a few days...but selfishly and in my eyes, for the good of the country, i sure hope i get my way...
asher and i may be in a documentary at the zoo. i'm not sure when it'll be done or where they'll show it, so if you see it, let me know. but there were 2 guys doing a documentary at the potter park zoo today. we kept running into them. they took some super sweet footage of asher and this little baby baboon. the baboon kept running up to the glass, smooching his face against the glass or looking at asher. it was hilarious. we tried to take some pictures, but they ended up blurry.
anyway, here's a photo montage of asher's first zoo trip. enjoy.
btw, potter park zoo is really nice! and today we got in totally free!!
our little sweet pea