what's up with this whole my space thing? everyone's doing in. it's the newest craze. now Casey (or is it Casey?) and the Psalters (or is it Psalters?)? what's up with this trend and why do i find myself wanting to start my own new space and will there ever be enough my spaces?
31 August 2005
30 August 2005
nothing new. been thinking bout what to say but sorriez… nothin comin…guess i'm not suppose to talk right now. nothin new anyway. still learning bout patience n handin ova my wants. an everyday occurrence that's been really kewl to go thru! gentle nudges from GOD. had a great talk with greg d on sunday bout pressure n insecurities n relationships n what hav ya. it was nice to be around him again. a bit o fresh air. started talking about missions and sent my head a spinning for mercy ships again….maybe soon.
love n peace y'all
ooooo…sumpin funny. Juz got the soundtrack from the songcatcher (great movie!) the song quoted above, that I thought was written by the Psalters is actually an old traditional mountain hymn. No one knows who wrote it..kinda kewl tho cause it's on the 1st soundtrack. Psalters changed the words a bit…kewl!
24 August 2005
i realize more everyday how impatient and controlling I am. not controlling of other people but trying to control what happens in my life and when. this past week has been hard. GOD has really been revealing my sin, which is great but scary and a bit shameful. why do I continue to place others above my relationship with GOD? i was talking to a friend last night and she was saying how hard it is for her to be alone. she needs/craves human interaction. when she's not with people, she can't sit still...i crave steve interaction. i crave to be in his presence and in his life. i've been putting it above my relationship with GOD. i need to keep this in check. i can't run to him with all of my joys and sorrows. i need to run to GOD!
once again, noels words have struck me. thank you GOD! i'm not going to go into depths, because you should go check out his site, but he says:
Instead of begging God to come through in some situation, I rely on myself. I spend a lot of time worrying about how
am going to make stuff work, not in asking God to intervene.
In addition, I tend to come up with plans and then I ask God to make my plans work. Maybe I need to start asking God to help with the planning part, as well.
hmmmmm…thank you GOD for revealing noels sin, as my sin too. i pray for the strength and passion to place YOU and YOUR wisdom above all else. please forgive my failings.
22 August 2005
GOD's been teaching me big time lately about patience and giving up control. It's so strange how people grasp for control, when they have none! I believe that I have no control over situations. GOD has planned for every choice I have and am to make. HE knows all things before they happen. So why do I grasp for something that's not there? I want to be in GOD's will every step. If I had control, I'd screw it up. But I keep grasping. It's sick and wrong, really.
So how does one stop? How do we just hand over the reigns? And how do we become patient for HIS will to rain down upon us? How do I let go of my fears, anticipation and desires? I know I have to. I know it's necessary for me to grow. I want to be pleasing to HIM. I want to bring HIM praise. So why is it so hard to let go?
i feel like a fish out of water. gasping for air but nothing comes.
in a commentary i read 'Look at your problems in the light of GOD's power instead of looking at GOD in the shadow of your problems'.
how do i do this? i struggle with this. i know i have no control, yet as i lose everything i love how can I not try to hold on with dear life? how do i turn away and start new? how do you know when all is lost and beyond repair?
i keep gasping but there's no relief. i simply suffocate all the more.
17 August 2005
I feel empty, like all my insides have been torn out. It feels like I have a heavy brick puling at my throat and sinking in my belly. I'm heavy and it's suffocating. How do I give this to GOD? How do I hand over my sorrow? I ask for direction and it seems all I get is lost. I ask for discernment and all I get it is more fog. I'm at a loss and don't know where to go or what to do. I feel the pull of my track shoes, waiting for a good run. I could leave everything I know and not come back. That's what I'm good at. That's what I excel in, leaving. Maybe it's time to embrace the one thing I'm decent in, running.
15 August 2005
This weekend Steve and I went to a catholic church in Grand Ledge for a baby baptism. Which is comical because the mom (father's not in the picture) isn't catholic. But the grandma is and she wanted the ceremony. Anyway…I noticed how dead the church was. it was so scripted. Everything had it's place and time. People said what they had to, when they had to. I looked around and saw that no one was getting fed. There were 3 kids in front, an altar boy and 2 girls. They looked bored. They could care less. It made me sad and it reminded me that this is why I fell away from the church.
Anyway…communion time came, which is always such an amazing time for a believer, or should be. So we got up and stood before the priest, and he just looks at me and says 'I hope you accept Jesus Christ into your heart'. That's it! And then shoed me away…I was totally taken aback, and as many of you know, because I lack words many times, all that came to mind was 'thank you' as I sulked away…with Steve following closely behind saying 'the bread was taken out of my hands!' Needless to say, we were pissed off and immediately walked out of the satans lair. Come to find out, Steve had the bread in his hands when the priest asked ' are you Catholic?' when Steve said no, the priest took the bread out of his hands! Can you believe that! The only thing that keeps me from running back to that church is the trial that will one day be in GOD's courts.
So here's my question…why do catholics think they can refuse a believer of Jesus Christ communion? Who are they to judge? How can a priest deny me what my SAVIOR has freely given? I pity the catholic church for what they stand for, for who believes in their doctrine, who stands behind their blasphemous priests and I especially I pray for the innocent children and blind followers. And the REAL question…how can you deny a true believer communion in one breath and baptize a child of a non-catholic in the next? Which doctrines will they chose today?
12 August 2005
The Tale of Custard the Dragon
Belinda lived in a little white house,
With a little black kitten and a little gray mouse,
And a little yellow dog and a little red wagon,
And a realio, trulio, little pet dragon.
Now the name of the little black kitten was Ink,
And the little gray mouse, she called hum Blink,
And the little yellow dog was sharp as Mustard,
But the dragon was a coward, and she called him Custard.
Custard the dragon had big sharp teeth,
And spikes on top of him and scales underneath,
Mouth like a fireplace, chimney for a nose,
And realio, trulio daggers on his toes.
Belinda was as brave as a barrel full of bears,
And Ink and Blink chased lions down the stairs,
Mustard was as brave as a tiger in a rage,
But Custard cried for a nice safe cage.
Belinda tickled him, she tickled him unmerciful,
Ink, Blink and Mustard, they rudely called him Percival,
They all sat laughing in the little red wagon
At the realio, trulio, cowardly dragon.
Belinda giggled till she shook the house,
and Blink said Weeck! which is giggling for a mouse,
Ink and Mustard rudely asked his age,
When Custard cried for a nice safe cage.
Suddenly, suddenly they heard a nasty sound,
And Mustard growled, and they all looked around.
Meowch! cried Ink, and Ooh! cried Belinda,
For there was a pirate, climbing in the winda.
Pistol in his left hand, pistol in his right,
And he held in his teeth a cutlass bright,
His beard was black, one leg was wood;
It was clear that the pirate meant no good.
Belinda paled, and she cried Help! Help!
But Mustard fled with a terrified yelp,
Ink trickled down to the bottom of the household,
And little mouse Blink strategically mouseholed.
But up jumped Custard snorting like an engine,
Clashed his tail like irons in a dungeon,
With a clatter and a clank and a jangling squirm,
He went at the pirate like a robin at a worm.
The pirate gaped at Belinda's dragon,
And gulped some grog from his pocket flagon,
He fired two bullets, but they didn't hit,
And Custard gobbled him, every bit.
Belinda embraced him, Mustard licked him,
No one mourned for his pirate victim.
Ink and Blink in glee did gyrate
Around the dragon that ate the pirate.
But presently up spoke little dog Mustard,
I'd been twice as brave if I hadn't been flustered.
And up spoke Ink and up spoke Blink,
We'd have been three times as brave, we think,
And Custard said, I quite agree
That everybody is braver than me.
Belinda still lives in her little white house,
With her little black kitten and her little gray mouse,
And her little yellow dog and her little red wagon,
And her realio, trulio little pet dragon.
Belinda is as brave as a barrel full of bears,
And Ink and Blink chase lions down the stairs,
Mustard is as brave as a tiger in a rage,
But Custard keeps crying for a nice safe cage.
11 August 2005
This morning on my way to work as I was merging onto a freeway I noticed a mac in the right hand lane..and seeing that the law states you have to slow down for merging traffic, I continued to go…by the time I realized the mac truck wasn't going to pull over or slow down, I had to make a split decision. Slam on my breaks, causing those behind me to slam on their breaks or speed up and drive around the truck. Maybe it wasn't my most intelligent moment, but I decided to speed up and pass him. No problem, it was close but not that close. The mac decided to flash me, whatever…and I was on my way. Traveling around 72 down the road when all of a sudden I realize the same mac truck is now barreling down my trax. I step it up thinking he just wants to pass but I quickly found out that wasn't the case. I was all of a sudden going 80 with a mac truck literally inches from my tail when then he decides to put on his brights. After a few minutes, he gave up a bit but then tried again to catch up. By this point I'm going over 80 just to get away from this idoit.
I don't understand people. Whether I made a mistake or not, why did he have to try to run me off the road? Is this a pride issue?? I see people doing dumb stuff all the time, but I don't run up to them and try to push them down and blind them. We live is such a fallen world…I don't understand people...
Aren't we called to forgive and love people?
10 August 2005
i'm lost today. had a wave of emotion last night that i just can't seem to let go. i'm not that thrilled about my 4o hr a wk gig but what else should i do? i've been thinking about selling the house and all my junk and boarding a mercy ship. i just don't know. i don't have any answers. the choices i make seem to go no where...i feel like i'm stuck in a reality that doesn't make sense. The puzzle doesn't fit or is missing pieces. I'm trying to be patient and not make any sudden movements but running is in me. I feel like an out of shape sprinter that's itchin for another race. I don't know. My life is like a person going blind. Everything i look at is fuzzy.
09 August 2005
I was asked this weekend, whom I pledge my allegiance to, which was an easy answer for me…GOD. But then I starting thinking… remember in elementary school reciting the pledge of allegiance? Which still baffles me…I mean people having a problem with prayer in school but they have no qualms about pledging to a country…but I digress…
So here it is for reflection…
So then I thought, what else am I pledging my allegiance to? What else do I place above GOD?
08 August 2005
a few weeks ago Steve's mom sent me home with a handful of milk chocolate. I'm not a fan, I prefer dark, so instead of munchin on em I thought I would bring em into work for my eats bowl. this morn, i needed a pix me up and thought...i really don't want to eat 1...but... so i dug my hand into the depths of my eats bowl and pulled out a little small square of dove milk choxo. I unwrapped it carefully, so not to destroy the fun lil message they always have on the underneath.
Temptation is fun...giving in is even better
now i have 2 boycott dove.
I went to Chicago this weekend to the JESUS Radicals ~ Christianity Anarchism conference…which in my eyes was neither…but since I hate titles or labels I guess this was expected. It was a bunch of believers, with some non believers sprinkled in, talking about corporate america and trying to find the answers to if JESUS wants us to be in this world but not from it, how do we define what this means, what this looks like…how do we make a difference, how do we 'be different' from the worlds standards? How do we get out of the 'corporation'? Such an amazingly awakening weekend. Discussions were blunt and real. People were raw and passion filled the rooms. JESUS was there and it was simply amazing. I felt HIM cry and laugh and hold our hands throughout. Thank you JESUS!! I can only pray that the things we learned and the people we met will now form together to make a difference rather than simply placing the thoughts and discussions on a shelf to gather dust and going on with their lives unchanged. I pray for myself that I don't fall into this category. I think a blog is going to be invented for information sharing…I'll post it when it comes up but for more info, go to http://jesusradicals.org/.
Things I learned…
1. I have to have faith in my relationships even though I know they will crumble at times. I have to place all insecurities, fear, disappointment…you name it, at the foot of the cross. If I hang on to 'em, I will destroy all good things around me.
2. Control is the work of the devil and will destroy. Control and pride play hand in hand in the dark recesses of being. Although I try to let things happen as they happen I see the dark demon of control in many people and am amazed at how it so easily divides and causes tension. I don't understand the sin of control but have been the blunt of it for all my life. I think I finally understand where some of my insecurities come from and how I need to break that bondage.
3. Community is amazing. I seem to retreat in my little house to get away from those who ridicule our way of life. We're called wacky. Many of our choices in life are against the society norm and it seems to irk people. Maybe because they are convicted, maybe just because they don't want to live as we do. But I think we seclude ourselves a bit so not to feel the pressure of the 'worlds standards'. Which is wrong I know… But this weekend was a wake up call. To be with radical thinkers and doers. To be with people that may not believe everything we do, but at least they don't try to talk us out of things. I don't think I could handle a communal living situation of 500 people in downtown Chicago, but the people really make me want to move there. Thank you JPSUA. I now know that there are people out there that share some of our same thoughts and even though it's refreshing to be around like-minded folks, we must also take the abuse from others. If we chose to be held up in the comfort of our house, we may never be the comfort someone else seeks.
Help me to not be numb. Help me to make a difference and fight for the people rather than being held a captive by my insecurities and the comfort of silence.
04 August 2005
Lies ruin. Lies are whispered into our insecure ears from the evil one all throughout the day. Do you listen to them? Or do you place them at the foot of the cross?
My insecurities lie in a bed of lies. I've been lied to my entire life by people I love. I hate it. I hate not believing a thing anyone says to me. I hate looking into the eyes of the people I dearly love only to question every word they say. Maybe that's why I keep a distance. My life is an open book. To anyone, I can tell them my story, my sin. That's just me. I don't lie. I try to exaggerate at times but even that I fail at and by the end of the conversation, I'm saying 'well…maybe it didn't happen to that extent…' so why do people lie to me? I'm accepting. I'm forgiving.. and yet people still lie.
I've always wondered where and when did they start and where do they end. Will they end? I hurt. Lies are like a virus…so concealing as it lies in wait to infect you and before you know it, it's running ramped throughout your entire body. I understand why people lie but I don't understand why people who I'm close with lie to me. People lie so they won't hurt someone or so they can hide their insecurities behind them. People think by not telling the truth, they're in essence keeping their loved one from feeling pain. But I wish people would embrace the knowledge that lies will be revealed by the light, and in the long run, they hurt so much more than the truth. And what's more is if they don't have faith in the person they're with to handle the truth, how can they have faith in their relationship?