west african peanut soup

30 September 2008

is what i made for dinner tonight and it was quite delightful. so much so, that it's topping my fav. soup list and i can't wait to make it again even with leftovers waiting for tomorrows dinner. yum. plus it was uber easy. the kicker was that steve looked at me with all seriousness and said 'i wonder what gordon ramsey would think?'.

i think we're watching too much hell's kitchen and kitchen nightmares.

check out the yum yum here.

sleepy days and cranky cranksters


asher was up every 2, or less, hours last night until 3am where he slept 3 1/2. 10, 12, 2, 3, 6:30...it was a rough night. he was fine. he just wanted to feel secured and loved. almost as soon as he latched on, he was back to sleep. not a bad way to fall asleep really...i can understand wanting to feel that secure, that close to the one i love and know the most. but it wreaks havoc on me the next day.

being a cold night it was one of the first times we haven't had a fan going in the room. i wonder if he woke because the room was so silent. i wonder if we should keep a fan going, not only for him, but for us since it will drown out some of his noise. i didn't want him to get use to white noise, but maybe for now, it's a good thing.

he's been really sleepy and cranky the past few days...another possible sign that he may be teething. he's still happy most of the time, but there's quite a few times where he's mister crankster as well. and he still can't keep things out of his mouth.

i went to buy him a new pacifier, for his cranky times, and get this...at target all the pacifiers went from 0-3 months and then 6-18 months. there were no 3-6 month pacifiers. there were no slots for them either. so either they just don't carry them or they're not made. i was confused...asher's almost 4 months, so i bought him the 6-18 month pacifier...yeah, way too big. i was going to go to babies r us and then i remembered my beef with them. argh...guess i need to let go of my b.r.u. frustration and walk into that crappy store.

i sure wish we had a different baby store in lansing.

mama movie

29 September 2008


kelly and i went to see the monday movie for moms today at celebration cinema. we were the only two in the theater! if any other mama wants to go see a movie, let me know. it was fun. they show 1 movie every monday. here's the link.

before i left work, people asked if i'd be ok staying home. in fact my old boss
couldn't understand why i would want to stay home with my child...which is flabbergasting to me...being able to stay at home with my child if one of the biggest blessings i could ask for. people would ask if i'd get bored or if i'd have enough to do or if i'd miss adult time...the crazy thing is that i'm more busy now, than i ever was as a working woman. asher and i have play dates and groups and meetings and stroller buddies...it's crazy time. this movie thing for moms is just another wonderful thing i've found to keep me and asher social. i'm not sure how many we'll go to...but it's a nice opportunity for us to get out!

i love being home with him everyday. i love seeing every milestone and watching him interact with other babies rather than hearing what new thing he did from a caregiver. i know some women need to work either for social or monetary reasons, but i'm so glad that for me, i can stay at home with my little man. and i feel so blessed that i have so many stay at home friends and asher has so many buddies to grow up with. i feel so very blessed.

asher week 15

28 September 2008


dinner, a movie and last night makes two


times that is, that asher has slept from 8pm-3am. the first time i had to literally wake him from his slumber because i woke in such pain...it felt as if i had cement in my chest...so needless to say, i didn't want to wait. i needed to wake him to nurse! last night he woke at 3 by himself. it's so strange to see him sleep for so long. it's exciting, and sad, seeing him grow up so fast!

last night steve and i went on our first date since asher was born. we went to dustys cellar to celebrate our anni, and then came home to put asher to sleep before we went to see the movie ghost town. ghost town was hilarious. great film. here's the trailer.


23 September 2008

happy anniversary baby!!! i can't believe it's been 2 years. i thank God every day that you grace and enrich my life. i look forward to spending the rest of my days with you by my side. thank you for always being my friend and comfort as well as my rock and teacher. i love you and respect you with all that i have.

tooth fairy


i think my son may be teething...the fussiness, the lack of seep, the biting of my precious parts, the constant hand in mouth and biting of mama's fingers...i can't see anything or feel anything in asher's mouth...but i'm curious...could he already be teething?

if he is, what a cool milestone for him...and a very scary one for my precious parts!

it's either another growth spurt...which is scary since he can fit into 12 month clothes! or teething...any guessers out there?

other than that...

asher rolled over yesterday! about 6 times. just to his right side. it wasn't a full roll, just half. but by the time i got the camera for documentation, he had then pushed himself perpendicular to where he originally was. too funny! he was all proud of himself. then this morning, he almost shimmied himself out of this vibe chair. by the time i woke up, he was half on, half off. guess i better start using the belty thing. he's also starting to scream laugh, so hopefully he'll be able to keep up with his friend hazel in the yelling department!! before, her screams would scare him into a frenzy...now i think they may egg each other on! he's also be kicking and drawing his legs up to almost hold onto them and he's really been grabbing a hold of objects.

it's so cool to see all these milestones. one of the coolest things is to watch him 'swim'. he loves his baths. at the end we hold his head up with one hand and place a hand under his upper back to help him float and he just flails away. kicks and splashes ad laughs. it's hilarious. water flies everywhere. it's so much fun. if i get the chance, i'll try to post some video of it. i can't wait to enroll him in swim lessons!

every day i feel so blessed to have my little man in my life. what an amazing child.



some nights we have a great night sleep. others, not so much. since letting asher sleep in his crib he has been able to pull 6 hours of sleep before he wakes to nurse. it's wonderful. on the nights where his first nursing is at 1am, i'm elated. i wake to nurse him feeling refreshed. it's amazing that 3 hours of solid sleep can feel so good. but then there's last night...after a wonderful nights rest on sunday, last night was crazy.

he woke for his first nursing at 10pm...he went to bed at 8...i went to bed at 9:50. i hadn't even fallen asleep! then he woke again at 12:45 and then again at 4. after nursing him at 4, he fell asleep as i was rocking him. when i went to place him in his crib, he immediately woke up and started fussing. so i brought him into bed with us to nurse and snuggle. he immediately fell asleep, but did his fuss/sleep where he flails all over the place...he's sound asleep, but i can't be when i'm being kicked and slapped all night. so from 4:30-6 i got very minimal sleep...

i wonder why this happens. why one night can bring such a wonderful sleep and the next such horrible sleep. anyway, i'm hurting today. please pray for numerous naps today. i have a ministry meeting tonight that i have to think at!


on the way home from riv on saturday i was telling steve how i wish we had time to start/join a life group, but with our new life and asher's schedule, nights just don't work that well. i feel pretty connected these days, but there's something about a small group of women that i see on a weekly basis that appeals to me. and diving into the word with these people is just what i need. i haven't been studying lately. it's been so hard to find the time and to tell you the truth, when i have the time, it's not what i would prefer to do. i know that sounds terrible, ungrateful and selfish. but it's the truth. so a life group really appeals to me.

on sunday a newer friend of mine invited me to start a small group with her and 2 other at home mamas! isn't that sweet?!? God knew not only what i wanted but what i need and handed it to me on a silver platter. i'm pretty stoked. i get to be in a life group that happens during the day and that i can take asher to. cool times.

week 14

21 September 2008


asher's down...he finally nursed and then crashed. i don't know what happened. i hope he sleeps ok tonight...

here's your weekly asher fix...week 14


my son doesn't want anything to do with me tonight. i'm crushed. i love our nighttime routine. i look forward to it all day. tonight i took a bath with him and then steve and i changed him and put him in his pj's. but as soon as i went to nurse him he went ballistic. that was around 7:20. it's 8:10 now and he's still not down. he won't nurse, he'll fuss with steve but as soon as i touch him, he goes crazy. crazy! wailing crazy. as if i'm hurting him.

i'm crushed. i know i shouldn't take it personal, but i am. i'm usually the one that can calm him down but tonight, i'm the last person he wants to see, smell, touch or be with. i'm sad.

i have a feeling that tonight will be a long, long night.


20 September 2008


normally we'd still be at church, hanging with friends or going to the afterword. but no longer. now, if we get to stay and hear the message, in it's entirety, we're having a good night. tonight i had 2 different people get me during service...once because steve, who was with asher in the lobby, needed the pacifier. and then about 10 minutes later someone else came to tell me that 'steve says it's time to go!'.

see, we've set up this wonderful bedtime routine. it usually starts around 7:15/30ish with a diaper change and pj's and maybe a bit of quiet play, then it goes into nursing with songs, books and prayers and usually, asher's asleep in his crib by 8.

with a boy who really has taken to his bedtime routine, our lives just aren't so conducive to the 7ish service anymore. which sucks. the sat. service is our home...this is the time that best fits us and it's when our friends go..but i'm starting to wonder if we'll have to change to the sunday service. we went once because we were out of town for the saturday service and it went so much better. asher slept through the service and we actually both got to hear the entire message. it was wonderful. but it almost felt as if we were visiting another church because there were so many people we didn't know. maybe that's good for us..maybe we need to meet more people in the church...i guess we just love saturday night so much.

i also wonder if this is just a short season...maybe in a year or two, asher won't be so stuck in his schedule...and although his schedule is hard on saturday night...it's such a blessing on all the other nights. i don't know...i'm happy to be home and to have my sweet child already asleep so steve and i can focus on us...but i really miss my saturday night family.

our lives have really changed. i never knew it would change so much. we need to start making decisions for what's best for our new life and asher, rather than what's best for us...i guess that's what being a parent is all about. selflessness. and i have to admit...as much as i wanted to hear the q and a with noel tonight after the message, having nighttime with my beautiful son, feeling his warm breath against my neck as he fell asleep and watching him sleep so peacefully, is worth it all...and to top it off, i now get to enjoy a movie with my husband.

but if we do change to sundays...i'll truly miss my saturday friends.

it's business time baby

my friend posted this and i couldn't stop laughing...enjoy

professional pictures


asher and i had our first professional photo opt. here are 2 of my favorites....i'll post more soon. but the photographer, kristy, rocks and she's local. if you want a super sweet local photo session, get in touch with her here.

my little frenchy.

16 September 2008


asher has a new vise. he licks everything. everything! it's hilarious. it's not a sucking thing, it's a full on lick. a toy, his shirt, my shirt...well, my anything...face, arm, finger...you name it. if you go in to try to give him a kiss, he'll turn his face with his mouth open and his tongue a flailin'! if he can reach his shirt or a toy, it's a continual lick. his tongue goes in and out and in and out, licking over and over again. if i'm holding him or burping him and his face is at my shoulder, my entire shoulder ends up wet when i set him down. it's crazy. it kinda reminds me of those annoying dogs that never stop licking you and you end up a slobbery mess...but this is my son, so he's not annoying and it ends up being a cute trait rather than a frustrating one.

anyway...just wanted to share and tell you that my boy is already trying to french everyone. watch out...if you come too close, you might get more than you really wanted!!

6 1/2 days

15 September 2008


that's how long my son has gone without pooping. yes, pooping. apparently, this is fairly common with breastfed babies. he's done this before. once for 3 days and another for 4, but 6 1/2! he seems fine. his belly isn't distended and he's happy as a clam, but wowza! i'd be in a world of hurt!!

i took asher to the doc today because i noticed a rash on his torso on saturday morning that has hung on and actually spread a bit. nothing huge and it doesn't seem to bother him, but since i'm a bit neurotic about his health, i thought it would be good to go in.

he's fine. she thought it might be prickly heat, which is what i suspected too, but it's nice that a doc confirmed it. and she wasn't worried about his lack of pooping either, so that's nice. she also didn't ask us if we wanted to get a vaccine today, thank goodness. i wanted to finish the latest vaccine book i'm reading before talking to her about them.

we have confirmed his weight. he weighted in at 17lbs 8 ozs. no wonder my back kills! my poor husband is giving me back rubs almost every night! and i'm developing so pretty sweet guns. i guess lugging around a 17 pounder all day will do that to ya!

any way, just as i suspected, he's a healthy and happy little boy. i am a very blessed mama. but please pray for a good poop soon...i know, it's a gross prayer...i feel silly asking, but come on! 6 1/2 days!!

super sweet stillbirth resulution

13 September 2008


as i posted earlier, barb byrum,our state representative, stopped by our sub a few weeks ago and i talked to her about the prevalence of still born babies and how our state doesn't truly recognize them as being born. the other day i got this email from her. how cool is this?!?!


I hope this email finds you and Asher doing well.

Per our conversation on August 20th, I wanted to let you know that yesterday, I co-sponsored a resolution that will memorialize Congress to enact H.R. 5979, The Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.

As we discussed, the CDC collects data on stillbirths but the data is incomplete and inconsistent. I have also found that "stillbirth" has many different definitions, which makes comprehensive research into the causes and prevention of stillbirth and the creation of a standardized data collection protocol nearly impossible.

H.R. 5979, the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act, would promote stillbirth research by standardizing the definition of stillbirth and creating a national repository for stillbirth data. It would also help increase public awareness of the risks for stillbirth, encourage the Director of National Institute of Health to allocate more resources to stillbirth research and promote state legislation allowing the issuance of a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth.

I will continue to keep in touch as since our meeting, I have acquired an increased concern about stillbirth deaths.

Barb Byrum
State Representative
District 67
i guess it does pay off sometimes to talk to your state representatives!!! i sure hope that this passes some day...for all states.

picasa update

12 September 2008

i think i've figured it out. i need to go into the html code and change the height and width to 400/400. i never had to do that before, but if i don't do it now, my pictures are cut off. i've changed the last 4 weeks so far.

if you ever want to see the pictures outside of my blog, click on the 'photo's of late' tab to your left or just click here.

Week 13

for those who haven't seen the new do

i'm getting used to it. and though i still feel kinda boyish, i have to say that i love the ease of the cut. i'm showered and put together within 20 minutes...well, if i take a 10 minute shower...i still love the color and bang, but i wish i had a bit more hair on top. but again, i'm getting used to it and i even kinda like it. i just find myself trying to look more 'girlie' in clothes, makeup and accessories to compensate.

this is the cut i was going for....

this is my new do...

big boy

11 September 2008

my 13 week old won't stop growing...his new size? 9-12 month.

this is him in a 6 month onsie.

we have to go shopping today. although we have 5 sleepers...only 1 kinda fits... such a big boy!!! he's just so tall! i think i'm going to buy 12 and 18 month sleepers. the 9 month clothes fit, but just barely. kohls, here we come!!

completely and totally in love.

09 September 2008


sorry about all the posts today...guess i just have a lot to say...this is my last one tonight, i just had to write it down before i forget this moment.

as i was nursing asher tonight and reading him 'i love you this much', he let go with a smile and stared up at me. he then reached his hand up and touched my face. i know it sounds absolutely silly, but i swear he was trying to tell me something. there was a look in his eyes that i've never seem before and it gave me chills. i was waiting for him to start speaking to me it was that intense. for about 3 minutes he continued to stare and smile, reach up to touch my mouth or face and look at me with the most intense eyes i've ever seen in my life.

and then as quickly as it started, he went back to nursing. i want to encapsulate that feeling. that feeling of complete and total love. that feeling of wonderment and excitement. it was powerful. it almost felt as if i was looking into the eyes of God.

wanna suck face?

it sounds like my almost 13 week old son is sucking face with a lady friend up in his crib right now. it's disgusting...have you heard that sound before? the sound from couples that have obnoxiously loud and wet sucking kisses where it literally sounds as if they're trying to suck off one another's face? this is the sound coming from my sons crib.

thankfully he's just trying to suck face with his hand. i wish i could capture the sound so y'all could enjoy it. it's so loud that i'm about to go put a pacifier in his mouth! but i figure, he's fine trying to suck his digits right now...so, i'll just let him be.

but man, it's really loud...and gross


i went to babies-r-us today to return 2 blankets. we have felt so blessed by all the gifts people send us. people we've never even met. a few weeks ago we got a few gifts from my mom-in-laws friends. none came with receipts...one of the gifts were 2 blankets. we have a gazillion blankets...so i thought i'd return them to babies-r-us to help purchase a convertible seat or some cool activity toys or something...but as of sept. 1, they no longer accept returns without a receipt.

if i would have gone 9 days ago, i would have been able to return it. but now, i'm stuck with 2 more blankets. it's so frustrating because i was ready to spend some major coin in that store, but because they suck, i'm not going to give them anymore of my money. i've never been particularly fond of them, but now i've had it. when i was talking to the manager, pleading my case, she was complete rude and cold, just staring at me with her eye brows raised and not saying a word. and i was being nice, i swear! her only words were 'well, i don't know what you want me to do, i can't over ride the system.' in a super snotty tone. why do people have to be so snotty?

i think i'll just pack these blankets away so if we have another child, we'll have new blankets for him/her.

lesson learned...

  1. always give a receipt with your gifts.
  2. don't be a snotty jerk...it only makes people mad and irritable and then they'll stop spending money at your store; and
  3. stop shopping at stores that have bad policies and mean people.


some thing's going on with the picasa web slideshows. i thought it was just my ineptitude, but i see it on other peoples blogs too. it will play fine on picasa but when loaded onto a blog, pictures are cut off. i'm getting frustrated...i think it's time to look for another photo place...any suggestions?

warning...i'm not being nice

08 September 2008

my neighbor sucks.

right now they have their tv blaring so high that i can hear it in my living room and the husband is in his garage revving up his boy toy of a 4 wheeler over and over again for no apparent reason. it's so loud i feel as if i'm in the middle of the dang freeway.

who does that? it's 8pm. why do you need to rev anything? my child's asleep...the house across from them has a child that i know is on her way to sleep and the other next door neighbor has 2 children who are probably getting ready for sleep too.

argh...crappy neighbor. i miss the whites. they were wonderful neighbors.

motherhood guilt


sometimes i wonder if i'm a good mama. i hope i am. i try to be. but there are times, where i put him in his vibe and let him just chill so i can do what i want to do. some times i get so tired of carrying him around, entertaining him and trying to make him happy, that i resort to playing baby einstein on the computer or putting him down on his activity mat to watch the lights. i don't do it often, but tonight i did. i'm tired. today is a day i have asher from dawn to dusk. alone. steve has a certification class from 5:30-8:30 and i'm just plain tired. physically and mentally. asher was actually tired too...i put him down at 7:20 tonight.

i think it was even harder tonight since it was raining. i couldn't take him out on a walk and i know he just gets so sick of my mug and the few baby toys we have in the house...so a night walk is always nice...i'm not sure what to do in the winter!!! i hate resorting to the swing, activity mat or baby einstein dvd.

does it make me a bad mama if i let him hang by himself for 20-30 minutes? i feel guilty doing it and i don't know why...but i do. i feel like i should be teaching him something or have some cool educational toy he likes...but i don't. i guess i just feel bad not entertaining him all the time. i feel like it's my role now, to be there for him at all times. not that he's not having fun by himself...maybe i'm just being silly.

do ya think i've grown?


asher week 4

asher week 12

asher...week 12


my boy's a sleeping fool!!


on saturday night, asher went to sleep at 9:30, woke at 2:30 to nurse...fell back asleep at 3 and woke again at 7.

last night...get this....

asher went to bed at 8 (he was exhausted) woke at 2:40! 6 hours and 40 minutes!!! i was about ready to burst. any way, he went back to sleep by 3:15 and slept until 7. he nursed and is currently alseep in his vibe chair. is this normal/ok? he has slept 11 hours and is still sleeping...and because of that, i had so much milk, i was able to pump 4 oz after he nursed! wowza!!

when we originally put him in his crib and started our bed time routine last week, all i was hoping for was a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. i feel i've done something bad in a way. i don't want him to sleep too much. i don't want him to be hungry all night. but he seems fine. i nurse him as soon as he wakes...but is 6-7 hours of continual sleep ok?

on a selfish side, i feel great. i never knew a person could feel so refreshed after sleeping 6 full hours. to think that if i went to bed with him at 8, i would have gotten almost 11 hours of sleep with only 1 interruption is crazy! i wonder if this is just a phase or if my child is actually a wonderful sleeper, we just didn't know it because he never liked his sleeping environment until now. which secretly makes me sad...i wanted him to need me at night. seems like we have a very independent little man.

speaking of independent...as much as i wanted to wear him all over, it seems like he's also out growing all of my carriers. i still put him in them, but he doesn't like them as he once did. i use to be able to wear him whenever he was fussy and he'd fall right to sleep. now when i wear him, he's just itching to get out and be free.

just another thing to remind me to get over myself and my plans for his life. he's got his own plans and i need to be flexible and look at the bright side.

i may not get to snuggle with him or hold his hand as he sleeps at night anymore...but i sure get to sleep!

11 hours! crazy...

our current bedtime routine is:
a bath...every other night, then a lotion massage...
diaper change and pajamas
nurse with 2-3 books
rock with my attempt to sing songs...sorry asher!
and he's usually out. sometimes he wakes back up when i put him in his crib but
he's been really good at soothing himself back to sleep. if not, then papa takes him and rocks/sways and sings...again, sorry buddy...your parents suck as singers...just know we love you!!


07 September 2008

asher's sitting up. not unsupported, but he loves to sit on our laps with minimal support right now. i'm about ready to go purchase a bumbo with some gift cards i got when i returned some blankets, but i thought i'd post to see if anyone had one available for us to borrow. if so, i can use the gift cards towards our convertible car seat!

i love apple...but come on!

06 September 2008

i tripped over my mac book power cord last week and the plastic covering was pulled away a bit from the magnetic port. over the past few days it gradually got worse from normal use until yesterday when i noticed that it wouldn't continue charging for more than a few minutes and when it did work, the cord got so hot that it could have started a fire. crap!

i went online to order a new one...get this...$79.00!!! for a silly power cord...$79.00!

but what can i do. i need it. i was going to hit up the bay for one. there's a new one currently running $21.00 but it still has 3 days left in the auction...not only could it go up in price but i'd also have to wait at least a week to get it. ugh! $79 bucks for power. silly apple. i love you, but why do you have to be so darn expensive? you don't need the dough! give back to the little folks, will ya?!?!

i made a trip to best buy today and handed over $79. i wasn't happy. but i have power again. note to self: remember to be very cautious around the power cord! please!


so i did it. my hair is gone. more of it than expected, so i'm still unsure about it. i feel a bit boyish. but i love the color and i love the bangs...it's just the length. i think in a month or so when the back has a chance to grow a bit and the top has more length to wisp away from my head, i'll like it more.

it might also just be the shock of so much change...i have very little hair on my head and what's left is magenta and black...so it's quite a change. i may post some pictures soon once i feel a bit more comfortable about it. really, i think i just need to get over myself. i think it's just the insecurities of feeling flabby and now boyish...and it doesn't help that steve's not that fond of it...he, as i, just wishes it was longer...but it will grow. it's hair. that's what hair does.

but it's definitely different and easy and, well, i feel more edgy which is what i've always wanted...hopefully soon i'll feel girly edgy, not boyish edgy. more to come...

prayers for my hubbys jobby jobz

04 September 2008

on wednesday steve was working on a ladies computer when she mentioned a new work group starting that will implement some new software coming into the hospital. she said that the job would last 3 years and although they can't guarantee you'll get your old job back, they will give you another job within the hospital making the same amount as you do now. she asked if he would be interested in a position and steve said sure.

today, someone called him for an interview. it's tomorrow at 3pm. he wasn't really looking for a new job, but it would be something different and could potentially give him some super sweet experience. he's been in the same position for 7 years because he's felt led to stay...but recently he's been feeling the nudge to look for new opportunities. this opportunity came out of nowhere.

please pray that he has clarity in what God wants him to do. pray that the interview goes well and that whatever happens, he's ok with the outcome.


what's that smell?

yesterday steve started sniffing upstairs and said, 'you smell that?'. i was clueless. he said 'i smell diapers'. me, 'really?!?!' he said 'yeah, just faintly. i think that's normal for a house with a baby though and it's not that bad'.

really?!? i don't want my house to smell like diapers! how scary. i think i keep up an ok house. i certainly don't want it to smell like poo and urine! i immediately turned on the diffuser and added lavender to it. so now maybe our house smells like lavender poo and urine...

i've gotta do something! i think i'm going to make some diaper pail deodorizers today...i hope that helps!

sleep update, dreams and hair


asher was exhausted yesterday afternoon, but he didn't want to nap so i put him in his swing. the swinging motion had him down in about 15 min. and he slept until 4...well, let me re-phrase, at 4 i turned off the swing which normally wakes him up. he kinda woke around 4:20ish, i tried to nurse him but he fell back asleep. i sat him up and he still fell asleep. it was actually a bit scary for me because for about 2 hours he wouldn't wake up. but as always he was fine. and of course after a nice calming bath and massage he was wide awake...not my plan, as i was trying to get him down! but after some lullaby renditions of smashing pumpkins, yes, the kid has good music tastes!, he started nodding off, so i nursed him and laid him down in his crib at 9pm. when steve and i went to bed at 10:30ish, he was still sound asleep. i wanted to bring him into bed with us, but i let him stay in his crib.

he woke at 12:45 to nurse! almost 4 hours!!!
he woke again @ 3:45 to nurse...not as long as i hoped but i'm not complaining.
i woke at 6:45 and realized that he wasn't up yet! so i got up to make sure he was breathing, and yes, he was! how cool!!

4 hours, then 3 and another 3. he woke at 6:58, steve changed him, i nursed him and then brought him downstairs. i laid him on his activity mat to change him again and he was having a ball, so i made breakfast and realized shortly after that i noticed that he was still sleepy. so i picked him up and swayed him and at 8:30 he was back down in his crib.

crazy! minus a couple hours of nursing and calming back to sleep, i slept from 11ish-7! i feel like i got a full night's sleep! let's see if this sticks!

i've been having crazy dreams lately...i'm finally getting my hair chopped and dyed on saturday...and i think i'm having a bit of anxiety about it!!! last night i had a dream that i didn't go to ashley, but to some guy. he kinda cut my hair, but didn't style it or dye it. i looked hideous. when i went to complain and ask for my money back, they gave me a few bucks and the rest was in other peoples checks that were made out to the salon. when i complained about that and asked for actual cash, my bad haircut turned into a bad tattoo on my arm...very strange. i hope my hair turns out better than it did in my dream and i really don't want a tattoo on my arm!

i'm excited to get a style that's totally new and add exciting color, which is what i've wanted for awhile but have been too chicken. but i'm also nervous. i don't want a 'mom cut'. i want a hip and cool cut and color. i'm thinking short with all over red/burgundy color and black underneath...if ashley doesn't talk me out of the black again! i think it's time to cover up some of this grey though!!! wowza! Jorai did a number on my last summer. my brother was poking fun at me in july about the grey. it wasn't pleasant. i'm i a hypocrite to tell steve not to cover up his grey but i can? i just think he looks so smokin' hot with salt and pepper hair. now for me...not so much smokin' or hot! but maybe with a little burgundy and black...we'll see!

prayers for my hubbys jobby jobz

03 September 2008

on wednesday steve was working on a ladies computer when she mentioned a new work group starting that will implement some new software coming into the hospital. she said that the job would last 3 years and although they can't guarantee you'll get your old job back, they will give you another job within the hospital making the same amount as you do now. she asked if he would be interested in a position and steve said sure.

today, someone called him for an interview. it's tomorrow at 3pm. he wasn't really looking for a new job, but it would be something different and could potentially give him some super sweet experience. he's been in the same position for 7 years because he's felt led to stay...but recently he's been feeling the nudge to look for new opportunities. this opportunity came out of nowhere.

please pray that he has clarity in what God wants him to do. pray that the interview goes well and that whatever happens, he's ok with the outcome.


sleep revisited

last night we moved asher's crib into our room. i love it in there. it gives him his space, and me, piece of mind. we're going to start off the night with him in bed with us and then move him after his first nursing, which is usually 3-4 hours in. last night is was 2 hours, but i think it was just because we we doing something new.

he actually seemed to sleep better. although he woke every 2 hours, i think it was more to be comforted, because he fell right back to sleep. he woke again at 5:30 and steve took him downstairs. he was up for about a half an hour playing with papa and then he fell back asleep in his vibe chair for another 2 hours.

i started a bedtime routine last night and i'm going to work on getting him to bed a bit sooner and watch the time better for naps. right now, it's anything goes and i think if it was a bit more structured he may sleep better at night. of course i'm not hard core scheduling but i'm shooting for naps around 10,1 and 5ish. depending on his length of nap and our schedule...we'll see how things play out.

but although i was up 3 times last night nursing, calming him and waking often to check the monitor (yes, i'm neurotic...he's only 3 feet from me!) i felt as if we got more sleep because i don't think he thrashed around as much. at least i didn't hear him...which was nice. i may have only gotten 2 hours of sleep each time, but they were a pretty solid 2 hours!

he just woke from an hour nap in his crib too. a huge part of me wishes that bed sharing would have worked better for us, but i have to let go of that, because i think this is the best solution for all 3 of us. i just love holding his little hand as we sleep and feeling his warm breath against my skin. it makes me feel so blessed. i waited so long to feel this way and i want to soak up every moment!

but this is the best for us right now...i'll keep you posted.

sleep...or lack of it

02 September 2008


asher had another one of those nights...sleepless...which means i got very little sleep as well. he slept from 9pm-1am and was then up. all night. not up, up...but the toss and turn, fuss and kick, flail and whimper all night up. it was exhausting. i feel like such a crappy mama when i can't get my child to calm down and sleep. i know it's silly and i have no control over his sleep, but i still feel as if i'm doing something wrong.

at 4am, i had enough and put him in his crib. i thought that maybe he would calm down. maybe the roominess of his crib would be calming. it seemed to work, he slept for 2 hours...the problem was that i was a basket case. that was the first time he wasn't in bed with me. i have a video monitor and every few minutes i'd have to click on the video to make sure he was ok...that he was still breathing...to tell you the truth, i'm obsessive and scared out of my mind about sids. again, i know it's silly and that i have to give the worry up to God, but i find it hard to do. after losing Jorai, i'm so nervous about losing asher to sids it's crazy. i like him in bed with me because i know babies breathe better when they hear their parents breathe, plus i can hear him and see him. but, i think i finally passed out an hour into his sleep...so i got another hour in.

when he woke and started fussing in his crib, i went in, nursed him and he fell back asleep. but as soon as i laid him in bed with us, he woke back up. ugh! maybe he just doesn't like our bed. maybe i need to start putting him in his crib. i hate that idea, i want him close...but i'm also starting to lose it with lack of sleep. steve's coming home for lunch so i can get another hour in and it looks like asher just fell asleep for his moring nap...so i better go join him. let's see how long we can sleep for...pray for an hour at least...2 preferably!

vaccine debacle

01 September 2008

originally steve and i decided to go with a modified, delayed vaccination schedule. we were going to start at 2 months of age with dtap...but asher's now nearly 3 months and we haven't gotten any vaccinations. when we went in for his 2 month, he had a bit of a cold so i refused to inoculate him. our doc told us that we could walk in at anytime for a vaccine. but then i talked to my friend tiffany who is really freaked out about vaccines. she told me to read 2 books.

  • what your doctor may not tell you about children's vaccines by stephanie cave, m.d. f.a.a.f.p.
  • vaccines; are they really safe and effective? by neil z. miller
the stephanie cave book was a lot like the sears vaccine book with the added note that she recommends to usually only get 1 vaccine at a time. sears allows a few vaccines to go together. but, the miller book is frightening...i'm trying to take it with a grain of salt. i know there are people out there that are totally fanatical on some subjects...they only see their viewpoint...you see this with vaccines, circumcision, sleep schedules...and originally i thought this way about mr. miller's book. but seeing he has ever 916 citations in his small 116 page book, i think i need to take a closer look.

when you discuss delayed, modified or completely forgoing all vaccines to people, they're usually in 3 camps...the go with the flow camp, the adamant about vaccines are the best route camp and the vaccines are child abuse camp. i don't see or hear about the people in the, i just want to do what's best for my kid and i have no idea what to do because of all the conflicting info out there camp. that's where i am. i want to vaccinate my child. i want my child to be safe. there are diseases out there we have vaccinations for and i want my child to be ok...but will he?

there are so many documented cases of vaccine reactions out there...and no, i'm not just talking about autism. there are seizures risks, cancer risks, encephalitis, edema, increased asthma and allergy risks, increases of chrones, deafness, anaphylaxis, rash, fever, death...the list goes on and on.

so, is it worth it? measles, mumps, rubella, polio, tetanus, diphtheria, pertussis...are the possible side effects worth vaccinating my child when the probability of him contracting the disease is so minimal plus, if he does contract it will the disease just be a normal sickness...a rough one, but normal? i mean strep throat sucks, mono sucks...but we can get over them...with relative ease.

man, i just don't know what to do right now. i want to protect my child, as all parents do, but does that mean to vaccinate for all disease, modify vaccinations or forgo all vaccinations? i just wish the medical community would be truthful about diseases and vaccinations, i wish that the pharmaceutical companies didn't have doctors in their pockets and weren't money driven, but people driven. i wish i could believe these books without question. i wish i knew what to do.

as for now, we're waiting. probably until at least 6 months. so we can do more research and for ashers blood/brain barrier to fully close so the substances in the vaccines cannot pass into his brain.

i want to vaccinate my child to protect him, but by vaccinating him, i could harm him. he could also be harmed if i don't. what's that saying...you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.