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Showing posts from 2009

progress

Today felt different. I was happy playing with Asher for the first time since losing Selah. I really enjoyed laughing with him. We had 2 unexpected visitors and both warmed my heart. I didn't think I was ready, but it felt good to converse with people.

But now as I'm settling down for bed, I'm feeling sad again. I miss Selah. The darkness isn't there, nor is the heaviness, but the hurt is. The emptiness is. The pang of sorrow when I hear about others excitement about pregnancy and babies is. I just miss Selah so much. She was taken too soon from my life. I feel like such a little girl for saying this, but it's just not fair. I can't say anything else, but how much I miss her tonight. I wish I was able to feel her kicking me once again. I wish I could feel how velvety soft her skin was again.

I miss you baby girl. I'll miss you 'til the day I die.

Doctors appointment

Sitting in the waiting room sucked. There was only 1 woman, but of course she was majorly pregnant, which didn't really bother me until the DO came out to talk to her about her c-section tomorrow and I had to sit there and hear how bloody excited she was and how she couldn't wait to see his face and meet him and name him...I left. I couldn't stand to hear her excitement. I understood it...but I couldn't hear it. So I waited in the hallway until she left, then I walked back in.

The appointment was actually pretty meaningless with the exception that we talked about genetic counseling. They still haven't received the results back from Selah's samples. I learned that they gave her a gross autopsy, which means, they checked her, the umbilical cord and the placenta out, but no cuts were made to look inside of her. Our doctor will call as soon as she gets the results back.

As far as our genetic counseling, we talked about starting with Steve because it's so …

The dreaded appointment

Tomorrow I have my first post baby appointment. I'm not sure if they'll already have the test results back from Selah or not, but I'm nervous. I'm nervous to hear what our fate may be. We'll still need to do our genetic counseling, which is another big conversation we'll have tomorrow as well. It's just all so scary. I mean, could it just be a supplement that maybe I need to start taking? Could I really try to get pregnant again and have a successful pregnancy and delivery? Or is it fatal...Will nothing we do help? Is it just a girl thing? Or was Asher just a miracle baby? So many questions and they all seem so scary to me. So many of my hopes are riding on test results and doctor's opinions. I always thought that finding the right man to marry was the hard part...or maybe the getting pregnant part...now I'm realizing that for us, it's keeping our babies alive.

I'm just so nervous about tomorrow. So in an effort to really try to ho…

'God only gives you what you can handle'

I've been thinking a lot about this statement. So many people use it. I've used it. I used to think it was biblical, but from what I can tell...it's really not. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says
'But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.' But that's temptation...not bad things happening. So unless, proven otherwise, I think the above quote is crap. Total and utter crap. If it's not, then explain suicide? Why do people end it all when things get too tough? I mean, if God truly only gives us what we can handle, then why for some, is it their breaking point? And why when people go through shitty stuff, do Christians tell them to read Job? Is it to make them feel like crap for being so weak and …

Christmas without my daughters.

It's almost Christmas day. It's 9 minutes away. Tomorrow morning I should be celebrating with my 3 children. But instead, there will be only 1. Upstairs lies my sweet miracle baby boy, whom I love so very much. But my 2 beautiful girls are no where to be seen. I know they're whooping it up in Heaven for one kick ass birthday party, but I'd rather them here. Selfishly, I just want them here.

I was watching all the families tonight at church. Brothers and sisters. Some teasing one another, some poking at each other and some snuggling up with one another. I remember my childhood Christmas' with my 2 older brothers. They are such fond memories. I loved my brothers so. I looked up to them and always wanted to be close to them. I keep wondering if Asher will ever have that. That bond of a sibling. The thought of my inability to give him that is overwhelming at times.

well...it's midnight. It's Christmas morning. Merry Christmas Jorai. Merry Chr…

Selah Mae

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Here are some of the pictures of Selah we got back from Kristy through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. The last one of Steve breaks my heart.

















life with a toddler and 2 dead babies

I always hated seeing those words. dead baby. I always thought that there was a better way to say it. Maybe it's the bitterness that makes me chose those words instead of others. I don't know.

Life has been challenging the past 3 days. I've been trying to be happy and energetic for Asher. He already senses something has happened. He won't let us out of his sight. When he can't see us, he starts wailing and he clings to us when we pick him up. This morning he clung to me the entire time I was upstairs getting him something to wear and then again in the living room while watching Curious George, he crawled up, hung on tight to my neck and wrapped his feet around my waist as he laid his head on my shoulder. He stayed in that position for 15 minutes. He's never done that. So I'm trying to be 'normal' for him. It's been challenging.

Eating is hard. We have food, but nothing tastes good. I'm hungry, but what's the point? I reme…

tear stained cheeks

I hate crying. I feel drained. In the hospital, between starting the process, and the moment before giving birth, I didn't cry. I was dry. I had cried all the tears my body had for 24 hours and I laid there emotionless. Drained and dry. But the moment they placed Selah on my chest, the sobs came once again and they haven't stopped. When people are around, I'm OK, but as soon as I sit alone, they come. hard and fast. drowning me. blinding me.

I took out the blanket that wrapped around Selah today. I looked at the blood stains and wept. Baby blankets aren't suppose to have blood stains. I pulled out the cap they placed on her too little head and noticed it there too. blood.

I keep thinking about my two little girls. I always dreamed I would have a daughter and now I have two, but I will never be able to enjoy them or get to know them here on earth and that kills me. No one should have to go through a loss like this...but twice? That's messed up.

I kee…

Selah's story

My pregnancy with Selah was alike to Jorai's. I was blissfully ignorant. There were a few times where I was a bit scared with Selah, but all in all, I was happy and enjoying my pregnancy and awaiting the birth of another daughter...yes, we knew Selah was a girl, not officially, but we knew. Just as we knew Jorai was a girl. But then the darkness fell.

Saturday, Steve, Asher and I were up in Big Rapids celebrating Christmas with my folks and brother and fam. Around 3:30ish, my brother and I were talking and he asked 'So, are you feeling a lot of movement?' And of course I said 'Yeah, tons'...since she was such a mover and shaker. But then I thought, when was the last time she moved? So I started to monitor it and of course, nothing. I kept sneaking out of our Christmas celebration to drink OJ and lay down to poke and prod at my belly, just hoping and praying for movement. Nothing.

I knew. I knew she was gone. But I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn&…

gutted again

I hate doing this online...I hate sharing horrible news on this blog before everyone I care about knows first hand, but I can't sleep and I need to scream. And truthfully, I don't have the guts nor strength to talk anymore.

Some time today we lost our baby. We found out the fate of our child in a cold hospital room, but I already new in my heart that we had lost another child. This was my third pregnancy. We lost Jorai at 28 weeks, birthed an amazingly awesome screaming boy 18 months ago, and now, lost this child just shy of 24 weeks.

I'm lost. I'm gutted. I'm numb. I'm pissed. Really pissed. My faith is weak right now. It's teetering really. On the verge of falling, if I'm being honest. I had a hard enough time finding peace with our first child being taken away, but now another one? And the fact that I have to deliver and hold another lifeless body makes my ache all over.

I've been shaking since we got into the car to drive to the hospi…

Baby movie

This movie looks so cool! I can't wait to see it. It takes 4 babies from 4 different counties, Namibia, Cambodia, Japan and the US and it chronicles their lives for 1 year. So cool. Check out the trailer.


It's business time baby

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Steve went to a LUSH store to pick up a Christmas present for me the other night while he was on his way to a guys night out. While he was there, he worked the store employee's hard and was able to score tons of samples. The cool thing about LUSH samples, is that their products are so pricey, it's hard to shell out the dough on things just to try them...but with a sample, you can try it and then buy it if you like it.

Every morning, Steve has been leaving me a LUSH sample to find and use. It's been like the 12 days of Christmas. It's been so cool. My favorite so far? A massage bar called 'Business Time'. Yup...Business Time. Love the name...love the smell...love the creaminess...it was wonderful as a massage bar, but I think it would be lovely for a thick lotion as well. It's lovely. Go check it out here.

Please join iGive for the National Stillbirth Society.

iGive.com is going to attempt to donate $5,000 in just 24 hours to National Stillbirth Society Inc.

For each person who joins iGive using the special link below and does just one web search on our site between now and noon Thursday, they'll give National Stillbirth Society Inc. a dollar.

5,000 new members, $5,000. No purchase necessary.

Of course, if you search more (or buy something) you'll earn even more money for National Stillbirth Society Inc..Right now, they're donating $.02 per search and a bonus $5 for that first purchase plus the usual percentage. There are tons of online shops connected through iGive.

This is the link:
http://www.igive.com/welcome/warm_reg_promo.cfm?m=552528

The details:
- Offer active between now and 11:59 a.m., December 17, 2009 (Chicago time).
- New members only (never have been an iGive member previously). All the normal rules of membership, searching, and purchasing apply, our site has the details.
- Once they've given awa…

vacation in December

I never really put much thought to it really...other than if I wanted to deal with Asher in a non-child proofed condo and on a long plane ride, but as I continue to see the downfalls of traveling in the month of December, I realize how I really never want to take another vacation in December again.

I look forward to November and December every year. The spirit changes in people. The air is different. There's magic to the season I think. All the holidays, all the traditions and meanings and the spirit of giving...the parties and the food and the get togethers. The lights and decorations and music. The snow. And I hate snow! But the snow, when it first comes...it's so exciting...so beautiful.

We normally take a Florida vacation in March. But since I'll be giving birth in early April, we chose not to go and the offer was placed to go in December. To tell the truth, I never really wanted to go. I knew it would be a headache with Asher and I just didn't want to …

half cooked

Today marks 20 weeks for me and peanut. I got to see the lil' gal (I think anyway) yesterday and it was such a joy. This pregnancy has been so weird for me. With Jorai, I was simply blissfully ignorant and then was shattered by her loss. With Asher I was neurotic and terrified every single day. I barely got to enjoy the pregnancy because I was always just so scared. But now, with this peanut...most times I forget I'm pregnant until I feel some squirmies or Asher knees me in the pregger belly and I feel a pang.

Thinking that I'm already 20 weeks along, kinda freaks me out. In 5 months, we'll be a family of 4 (5 in spirit). It won't be just Asher and I any longer during the days. When 5:30 hits, I won't have alone time for quite a few months, which is what I normally have....and mostly, I'll need to wrap my heart and soul around two living babies when right now, I can only imagine the love I have with Asher.

Don't get me wrong. I love this litt…

Is it too early to start shaving?

Here's a memory for the record books my dear son.

You love to watch and help your Poppy shave. Whenever Papa's shaving you run in, take the electric razor and start to shave your pops. Tonight, as you were trying to avoid taking your bath, you ran into the bathroom grabbed the shaver and started 'shaving' your face like Poppy does. After a few minutes, I came in to undress you for your bath and noticed that in the process of 'shaving' your slobbery face with a non-operating electric razor, you removed Papa's stubble remnants from the razor and smeared it all over your face. It actually looked like you had a stubbly beard.

I wish I would've had my camera to document the moment. It truly was hilarious!

Organizational advice

I'm junkie. I don't like it. I try really hard not to be, but I seem to be a clutter mongering junkie. I hate it. I try to change. I come up with grand ideas of how to be better organized and keep a cleaner more tidier house, but it never lasts. I go to my friends houses and they all seem to have tidy, clutter-free rooms. I'm embarrassed by mine. It's not a dirty thing. My house is clean. It's just cluttery. And it hasn't helped having Asher. It seems, whatever I pick up, he follows to empty. If I put his shoes away, he follows and throws them all out. Same thing with diapers, hats, washcloths...you name it. And he won't let me clean dishes, so I usually have to wait until he's sleeping to clean up the kitchen.

So I'm asking for advice. For all you mama's out there, what are your organizational secrets? How do you find the motivation and the time to keep things in their place? I'd really love some help in this area!

Asher things to remember

You LOVE apples. All kinds. But especially crab apples. You'll run to the window, point out at the neighbors crab apple tree, throw your head back and say 'Aaaaaaaaaple.' As soon as Papa comes in the door you run to him and say 'Aaaaaaaaaple.' When you eat an 'indoor' apple (one from the store) you never seem to chew up and swallow the skin. Mama always has to fish in your mouth to pull out any leftovers before bed.
You love to play chase around the divider wall in the living room. But you only run out of view and then you plop yourself down on the floor and wait for us to come find you.
You love video's. Mama tries to only let you watch a few minutes every day, but each time the computer is opened, you run over, shake your arms in the air and excitingly say 'Da...da...da....da!'You love your baths. You love to splash and play with toys, but you especially like to let the water go down the drain. You like to cover the drain to feel the s…

Another memory to never forget

Last night as I was saying prayers with you, you would end each sentence with 'mmmmm.' It was an agreeing 'mmmmm.' It kinda went like this:
Mama: Thank you Father for the warm sun you let hit my face today.
Asher: Mmmmmm.
Mama: Thank you for letting me play with my friend Nathaniel at the park
Asher: Mmmmmm.
Mama: Thank you for keeping my body strong and sickness away from me and my family.
Asher: Mmmmmm.
Mama: Please keep my baby brother or sister healthy and strong.
Asher: Mmmmmm.You are so funny my dear son. You warm my heart. The entire time I was praying, I had to hold back giggles and I thank you for that. Thank you for being you.

Memories of you.

The last day Asher nursed was Sunday November 1st at 9:40am. Boo. Yesterday he asked to nurse at his nap, but I told him that it hurt Mama and that we didn't need to nurse. He shed a few tears but then settled down on a shirt covered boob and took his bottle as I rocked with him and sang some songs. Today he didn't even ask to nurse at his nap.

I know this is a good thing and I know people are probably sick of me talking about it, but it's a big bummer in my life. I miss it already. I'm second guessing my decision with flu season upon us and I just miss our snugly time.

But, there are positives...more so if I wasn't preggers...but it's nice to have another way to calm him down. I guess I just didn't realize that my last time nursing was Sunday. I would have savored the time a bit more. A part of me wishes he would ask 1 more time so I could savor our last time together...but I don't think it will happen. I think he's over it. We'll se…

October pics

September '09

August '09 pics

weaning woes

I've decided to wean Asher. I've haven't been producing anything in a few weeks and now I'm starting to hurt a bit when he tries to nurse. There was a part of me that thought weaning Asher would be best...and another part that thought I could handle nursing both. But with the pain and the reality that Asher's not getting anything any way, I've decided to wean.

It's been hard. I've only been slowly taking it away for the past few days...but he asks for it all the time, and I feel so bad to not give him something that gives him so much comfort. I mean, if it was a cookie or a toy, it wouldn't bother me...but really, all he wants is something that calms him and gives him comfort and I'm saying no. If I didn't feel pain while nursing, I would give in and let him nurse, but I think it's for the best...I'm just heart broken. I haven't nursed him yet today. Surprisingly he didn't ask this morning, but he did ask before his …

baby 3.0

I kinda feel bad not having a decent nickname for this new little child growing within me. We're still in the quasi-preggo stage...that stage where you continue to get big and feel weird, but not feel anything but gas. I'm anxiously waiting for the first punch or kick or squirm, but I also don't want to get too anxious. It will happen when it happens...it's just been hard to nickname a child that I can't really feel yet.

I secretly call the little bean punkin' pie, but I'm not sure if it'll stick. I do have to admit that I'm feeling more of a girl vibe right now. I haven't had any dreams about the baby, other than when I miscarried...but the baby was too little to tell the gender. There's just something there...I'm not coming out with a prediction yet and I'm sure this feeling will change at a drop of the hat, but yeah, I'm getting a girl vibe.

We'll see...and keep posted...a proper nickname is coming.

My 2 favorite kiddo things right now

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Number 1 fav. ~ Amazing Grass Chocolate drink

Asher has become a bit of a picky veggie eater. Some days he'll eat them, and others...not so much. Thanks to Katie, Asher now drinks Amazing Grass Chocolate drink. It's a "nutritional powerhouse that combines 33 rainbow colored fruits and vegetables in a delicious chocolate drink powder." One serving gives you the antioxidant equivalent of 3 servings of fruits and vegetables! And there's only 1 gram of sugar!! Asher loves it. He won't put his sippy down until it's gone and usually drinks it within 5 minutes. It's also certified organic. For any kid who lacks on the veggie intake, I think this is a must. You can find it on Vitacost and Amazon for around $19 and it last for 33 days if you give 1 serving a day. We LOVE this product. I actually bought the adult version for myself and I like it...I like to add a bit more chocolate to it...but I like it!


Number 1 fav. ~ Blankease

Asher doesn't sleep…

Infant Loss Remembrance Day

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Today is Infant Loss Remembrance Day. If you've lost a child or would simply like to honor a lost child you love, light a candle at 7pm tonight, no matter what your timezone, and let it burn for an hour. If everyone lights a candle and keeps it burning, there will be a continuous wave of light for the day.

Our candle will burn for our beautiful daughter, Jorai Mae. We love you and miss you so very much baby girl!




Dreams that come true

When I was pregnant with Jorai I had a dream she was dead. She was already born...it wasn't a birth dream...but she had drowned as an infant.

Last night I dreamt that I miscarried the baby I'm carrying right now. She dropped out of me still alive. I didn't know what to do so I just held her and her little fingers gripped around mine.

I'm trying to stay positive about this pregnancy. I mean, it was just a dream. But I had a dream about Jorai and I never had a death dream about Asher. I caught myself looking for blood this morning. It was the first time I did that in this pregnancy. I'm glad I'm having an ultrasound on Monday. Maybe it can give me a little relief....I don't know.

I know it all sounds so morbid talking about it and I hate to even go there with baby 3.0 still growing and thriving within me...but I have to say that if I do loose this baby too, I pray I miscarry her. I don't think I can live through another stillborn.

I know it'…

Set your DVD

One of the wonderful women bloggers I follow is going to be on Oprah tomorrow. Her name is Stephanie Nielson, aka NieNie. She is a mother of 4, who barely survived a plane crash with her husband in August '08. She is amazing. Seriously. Her spirit and outlook on life inspires me. You should check out her blog and check her out on Oprah tomorrow.

Reality

When I was pregnant with Jorai I couldn't wait to be a mama. I couldn't wait to meet this child growing within me...to hear her cries and touch her skin...just to know her. Of course I worried about if I would be a good mama and if I could really do it. All of it. The mentoring and teaching...but most of all, I worried about the patience. Did I really have the patience to be the best parent I could be. I really worried about it. I only wanted to give the best to my children and I never wanted to lose my cool with them.

And then we lost her. For awhile, I even lost the dream of her, of children in general. I couldn't understand why and how God could have taken my sweet child from me and often wondered if He was saving her from hurt...maybe from me...or just from the world. I didn't and still don't know why things happened as they did, but even as I was pregnant with Asher, there was a part of me that thought God would take this child from me as well. I…

Help needed in the toddler department please

Asher used to be a fabulous eater. Anything I placed before him was gone. Meat, veggies, fruit, cheese....even beets and broccoli. And then he hit 15 months and everything went down the crapper. Things he'll eat one day will be thrown off his tray another. The only things I know he'll eat is peanut butter on anything, catchup and scrambled eggs. Today, after struggling to get him to eat something for lunch, I caved and gave him apples and peanut butter. After making him a new chicken salad recipe with grapes for dinner, he spat out his test bite and refused to eat anything else. I even tried spaghetti! So again, I caved and gave him...yup...peanut butter on bread.

I'm getting so freakin' frustrated! I keep trying new recipes and new styles but for the most part he either tosses them off his tray...another annoyance of mine...or spits it out and refuses to open his mouth for anything else.

I've seriously considered the 'oh, well...if you're not go…

Nursery rhymes

Who wrote this trash? Seriously, where did they ever come from? I decided to go out and buy our first nursery rhyme book and was appalled after I read a few...here's a taster:

Goosey Goosey Gander:
Goosey Goosey Gander, whiter shall I wander?
Upstairs, downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and through him down the stairs.

OK, where do I start? Where the child (or whomever 'I' is in the rhyme) is roaming around in this 'lady's chamber where he finds a creepy old man? Or where if I read this rhyme I would not only be guilting my child to say his prayers or I'd through him down the stairs?

Seriously?

How about Jack and Jill? Didn't Jack break his crown?

Didn't humpty dumpty fall down and die?

How about the baby in Rock-a-bye baby who fell down from the tree, cradle and all?

Or this from There was an old woman:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many ch…

Cool anniversary gift

I just realized that for our third anniversary, we got the gift of hearing our 3rd child's heartbeat for the first time.

Pretty sweet.

Baby 3.0 has yet to receive a nickname yet. Maybe when we have have our first ultrasound in a few weeks, something will come to us.

I keep thinking about the sex...is this going to be a girl...a boy...maybe we'll have both...yea, that's a scary thought. I know people say they don't care what they have, but I really, truly don't have a preference. I think it would be so cool to have another boy so Asher can have little brother to play catch with. I think it would be cool to watch them grow together and build their relationship through the years...I also think it would be cool to have another girl. To be able to see all the differences and experience life with both a boy and a girl would be cool. To watch Asher protect his little sister and again, watch their relationship grow throughout the years...so cool.

What ever we have...b…

11 weeks

I'm 11 weeks today. The first trimester has been dragging for me. I think it's mostly because I've felt like crud and with the nervousness about twins and still having not seen the dr., which I get to do this coming Thursday, so yea! But I have a feeling that the rest of my pregnancy is going to fly by and in a way, that freaks me out.

I've never really thought about not being able to love this new baby as much as Asher, as I know I will...but what saddens me is when I think about all the time Asher and I have together now and how that'll change. Asher and I have been joined at the hip, unless papa is around and then I'm chopped liver!, for almost 16 months now. It's just been him and I. Buds. But pretty soon, things will change and I'll be back to being held up on the couch with a crazy nursing baby all day. I wonder how that will change Asher and my relationship. I know it'll be hard for the first few weeks/months, but I keep focusing on t…