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Showing posts from February, 2010

I love woot

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I've been pinning after a Dyson. Which makes me a bit sad really. I never thought in a million years that I, Kim Newman, would care one lick about a vacuum...let alone pine after one. But alas...I'm a stay at home mama that vacuums at least once a day because of my crazy messy toddler.

But Dyson's are uber expensive and who wants to spend that much for a vacuum. I keep rationalizing the cost because since I would be using it so much, it would be worth the cost. But still...it's a vacuum. Just a vacuum.

But then came yesterday. I check a few deal sites every morning. One of them is woot. Yesterday they had this...the Dyson DC25 blueprint limited edition


It retails for $530. Amazon has it right now for $499. Though it pained me a bit to spend the money, I bought one. The price? $279! It was brand new...not refurbed...and it comes with the normal 5 year warranty. I figured if for any reason that we didn't like it, I would be able to sell it and make a pro…

Loving my boy through the stink

Asher woke at 6:3o this morning. Ugh. Not a good way to start the day. He woke screaming bloody murder so I think he had a nightmare...which crushes me a bit. What do toddlers dream about that's so scary? It's sad. So I went in and gave him a big hug, telling him that it's O.K.. Then we nursed and rocked and I hoped, big...giant hopes that he would fall back asleep. But of course, that didn't happen. So we were up. At 6 friggin' 30.

Because he woke up 1-2 hours earlier than normal, he was full of the dickens....piss and vinegar...whatever it was, he was full of it...to the rim full. I would give him his milk and instead of drinking it, he'd come over to smear his milky straw all over me. So I would take it away and he'd scream. He was standing on chairs and tables, knowing he was being naughty. He was smacking my toosh...thank you husband for teaching our son that trick! Oye...it was a long morning.

To pass some time and get us away form th…

Food deceptions

Asher has been a bit of a difficult eater lately. Things he used to love, he now won't even let them touch his lips. I've gotten used to smearing things on his mouth, so he'll at least lick his lips to taste it. It's frustrating. So, I'm trying new things and all I have to say is how amazing it is to have a vitamix.

If Asher won't eat his oatmeal in the morning...I blend it into a smoothie. The funny thing is that within 5 minutes of refusing to eat his oatmeal in a bowl...he'll suck it all down through a straw.

Over the past week, Asher and I've been sucking down green smoothies. He loves them. LOVES them. As soon as I start blending, he's asking for some. The funny thing is that they're loaded with spinach and baby greens. Each container has about 5 giant handfuls of greens, a few cups of frozen fruit, a banana, orange and a little water. Today as I was making them a few green leafs fell to the ground. Asher ran over to them and in…

Pictures of you

Today as my ipod was on shuffle, a Cure song came on. I've been a hardcore Cure fan since I was in middle school...so I was excited to sing with it. It wasn't until I started to sing that the words hit me. Not the whole song...but some of the lyrics reminded me of my current feelings.

Pictures of you ~ The Cure
i've been looking so long at these pictures of you
that i almost believe that they're real
i've been living so long with my pictures of you
that i almost believe that the pictures are all i can feel
.......
Looking So long at these pictures of you
but i never hold on to your heart
looking so long for the words to be true
but always just breaking apart
my pictures of you

there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more
than to feel you deep in my heart
there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more
than to never feel the breaking apart all
my pictures of you



My veil

Sometime I feel fake. And I loathe fake people. But since losing Jorai and now Selah, I feel like I put up this veil of fake Kim so that I can seem normal...when really, I'm no where near normal. I'm a mother of two dead children. Two. I'm 34 and I've buried (cremated...whatever) two out of three, of my children. That's sick and wrong.

I still look at my wall ...at the photo's of my babies. Three photos divide our front windows. And I still can't believe that two of those babies aren't with me. They're not upstairs sleeping, as their brother sleeps. Some times I let myself dream of that. Three babies in my house. Three under our roof, a part of our family in the every day sense. I just let my mind dream that they're right upstairs, just out of my reach. But then reality comes crashing in and I once again, I become the mama of 2 dead children and 1 living toddler.

So I place this veil on to hide my pain. To hide my sorrow. Not r…

hopelessness

The past couple days, I just haven't been able to shake away the hopelessness. It's clinging to me. Tearing at my skin. Most of the day I'm O.K.. Asher keeps me smiling and laughing. Hopefully I get to spend some time with Steve and with friends. I'm O.K. But then I'm alone, and it's quiet, and it hits. It's crashes on me like a thundering wave that thrashes me down and whips me under water. Hopelessness.

I keep thinking of getting pregnant. We could do it. We have no problem with that. I should ovulate within the next few days...sorry to the boys who read this!. The point is, we could do it. I could feel the nausea and the excitement. I could wait to feel those first wiggles and squirms. I could be pregnant in a mere few weeks..I could. It would be easy and I could feel a fleeting sense of hope again. But then I think that in a few short months we could also be holding another lifeless child...but maybe not. Asher came out screaming...cou…

I'm surrounded by them

Before I blog, I want to say, that I would hate for people to watch what they say to me. I would never want people to treat me different because I've lost babies.

In saying that, I'm am having a really hard time with certain things...and I'm surrounded by them. I hang with mama's. I hang with people who talk about pregnancy and want to get pregnant and who are pregnant...and I meet mama's who ask: 'is this is your only child', or 'do you want more children', or 'when are you thinking about getting pregnant again?' It seems as it's every day I'm in a situation where I get 1 if not more of those questions. And again, I don't want people to not talk about things with me or around me, but it's just so hard.

Today at a playdate, a new gal was asking everyone if their child was the only child they had and if they wanted more...yaddayaddayadda....thankfully I was up changing Asher's diaper and for once, I lingered in that…

De-sugar my life please

I'm a sugarholic. Seriously. I don't want to blame my folks...since I'm almost 35 now...I think it's beyond that. And the thing is, I want to raise my child the same way. I grew up in a house of only a few sugary items. Let's just say that 'Santa' brought us sugared cereal on Christmas...1 box each...and we got to pick out 1 faygo soda on our Saturday morning grocery trip to have at dinner as Saturday night was always hamburger night. Of course we had cookies and cakes...and we normally had some type of dessert after dinner, but for the most part my folks steered us away from sugar. And I appreciate it greatly. But now, I LOVE sugar. Spree's and brownies and cookies and chocolate and sour patch kids...ice-cream and candy and sugar, sugar, sugar. I eat it all day. Every day. I need it. Even on days I think I'm doing well staying away from it, I'm not. I'm an addict.

For about 6 months now, I've been thinking about cleansin…

Too much loss.

Working on our babyloss website is both exciting and depressing. I'm so excited to create something that may help others and creating a spot to share my girls with the world is beautiful...but hearing all of the stories of loss, reading all of the hurt, 'meeting' all of the babies who were taken too soon...it's just all so devastating. In each site, I meet another grieving mom, I meet her child...some long, lanky and born way too soon...some chunky and pink faced, born right on time, but left all too soon..babies...beautiful babies. I hear the mom's pain, her longing. I feel her grief, as it's my grief. I've been there. I am there.

Each site I visit, brings me to a dozen more. Story, after story, after story. One child after another. So many babies. So many families broken. So much hurt and pain and anguish. So many.

There's just so much pain. It's hard to read it all. But I want to. I want to read their child's story. I want the…

conflicting feelings

Most days I wake feeling OK. Asher and I go about our day as usual. We're happy and laughing and hopefully playing with friends. We are really enjoying our life. But then it hits me. Feelings of anger. Feelings of loss. Feelings of anguish. They come from nowhere. They feel like a slap in the face.

Today I have feelings of jealously with excitement intertwined...a girlfriend delivered her baby today. It was a girl. Yay for healthy, pink, warm, beautifully chunky baby girls. So cool. But within the excitement and joy, I feel the pang of all I've lost. My ears ring with the silence of it all. My arms quiver with their emptiness. My eyes sting from tears. My belly aches to be pregnant again. My heart longs for resolution.

I wrestle with my feelings everyday. They ebb and flow. Back and forth. I feel the moment I take one step forward, I immediately stumble two steps back. It's tiresome. I long for answers and hope. I feel as if my feet are cemented in un…

babyloss website

It's actually happening. We have a web developer working on our site and I'm trying to get all my type ready, but one thing that's missing is an address. We have a few ideas, but we'd like your input. Which do you like better:
astillheart;breakingthesilence; or asilentheart?And as a reminder, if you've gone through a loss and have any suggestions for the site, let me know. I'm looking for things you're glad you did, things you regret that you didn't do, what people did that helped you and didn't help you and any sites you recommend. Also if you have any advice you'd give someone going through a loss like ours, what would it be?

Thanks!

Just a few observations I've made today.

Why is it when a boy is doing something he shouldn't...and he falls...and hurts himself...and crying ensues, does he get right back up and do the exact same thing over again?Why do children really, really, really want to do something...say, going outside...yet refuse to put on gloves and a coat. Even when they know they have to have them on if they want to go outside.Why do kids want to grab their gunk, when there's poo all over it...and then why do they instantly want to place their newly poo encrusted hands in their mouths? You would think they would learn...but they don't. It's gross.Something I get:
Why they started making plastic toys rather than wooden ones...After being repeatedly hit on the head and arm with a wooden toy today, I REALLY understand why...and I'm started to question my preference to wooden toys.

Memories of Asher at 19 months

My dear son,

I feel the past 7 weeks have been just as rough on you as it has for your Papa and I. I know you don't feel the pain we do...I know you don't know what happened, and for that I'm grateful. But I know, you know, something happened. I know you see our anguish and you ache to help us, but don't know how. I know you sense our impatience, and at times, you even see it play out in your life. I know you don't see us smile as much as we used to. You don't hear our laughter as you once did. We don't play with you as we used to. But my dear son, I want you to know that we will get better. We will laugh more and smile more and play with you more and more as each day dawns.

And because your life has changed and you probably feel the emotional shift from those who love you the most, I want you to know that we love you more today than we ever have. You are our joy. You are the one that brings smiles to our face and laughter to our bellies. I want y…

and the world goes on

Throughout the day, I read blogs and facebook posts. I listen to stories from friends and I watch tv...and throughout it all, I just keep going back to Ecclesiastes 1 where it reads:

Meaningless! Meaningless!"...Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."

I've been trying to get back into the world. And I'm getting there. But I still think how meaningless so much of this world is. I keep thinking back to when my life was 'normal' I lived a beautiful life with an amazing man. I laughed, so hard. I really laughed. I remember being chased up the stairs by a laughing husband. I remember being jumped out on, just to scare me and I remember in that moment laughing so hard it hurt. I remember finding out I was pregnant...standing in the doctors office and beaming. Beaming so bright. I couldn't wait to tell the one I loved we were having a child. I remember loving each and every moment of pregnancy. I remember being in love with this growing chi…

frustration

I just can't stop thinking about all of this. I feel so hopeless. I can't figure out why the 'counselors' at MSU genetics were so rude. I can't figure out why after 1 test for Steve and 2 for me, they'll just give up, throw their arms up in surrender and say 'There's just no answer for your daughters deaths.'. It doesn't make sense. And then, I looked at some paperwork they gave me yesterday. The packet included information on;
pregnancy over 35,what a stillbirth is, will it happen again and how to respond to people going through a loss,preconception health care,a brochure on folic acid, and
cystic fibrosis carrier testingNumber 1. I'm not pregnant and I'm not over 35..yet. Why would they give this to me.
Number 2. I think I know what stillbirth is. And yes, it happens twice...I know this as fact. And yes...I think I know how to respond to those who've gone through a stillbirth...but right now, it's me going through it.

genetics sucks and prayers seems useless.

I was placing all my hope in one basket. What I didn't know, was that one basket didn't have a bottom.

Our genetics appointment, I believe, was a complete waste of time. As I've already mentioned, Selah's samples came back telling us nothing. So we couldn't talk much about her...although it seems as if doctors like to make people feel as shitty as possible by telling them over and over again what a shame it is that we never sent samples of Jorai...or that we never got an autopsy of her or a more thorough one of Selah. As if we can turn back time. As if we can make them rise from the dead so we can change the decision we made. Looking back, I wish we did do things different. But when you trust and listen to your doctor..and when you're gutted, you do what you're told most times. With Jorai, we 'knew' it was a fluke. With Selah, we were told and we listened that it was genetic thing...we believed these things...we held them as truth.

From the…