Asher memories

28 May 2010

I started this blog post in February....and I figured that it's time to finally finish it. Here are the latest...and maybe not-so-latest Asher happenings:

  • You're obsessed with ostriches, pelicans and flamingos. You call all three ostiges. You love to watch 2 ostriches fighting on youtube...I tell you they're dancing. All day long, you ask to watch 'ostiges'.
  • You crawled out of your crib for the first time on December 29, 2009. For 2 1/2 weeks, you didn't do it again...and then on January 13, 2010 I caught you on top of your dresser in the morning playing with your white noise. That morning, I re-arranged your bedroom. When you were suppose to be sleeping at your afternoon nap, you decided to climb out of your crib not once...not twice...but 3 times. I had to rock you to sleep that day...and when you woke, I lowered your crib an additional 3 inches. That lasted 5 weeks and 4 days. On Monday, February 22, you crawled out again and came to find mama in the bedroom. Mama told you that you shouldn't have crawled out of your crib, so you turned back around, walked into your room and started playing with toys! You haven't done it since. You'll crawl up on the crib rail, hang both feet over the edge and then pull yourself back into the crib so you won't fall to the ground It's crazy.
  • You're a drumming fool! All day, every day. Drum, drum, drum. We bought you a drum set that continually breaks. It's held together with super glue and duct tape. When it falls apart, we hear a 'Uh-Oh!' and then you bring us the pieces. You're constantly losing your sticks too and so it's a mad dash to find them. Mama keeps finding more drums at goodwill..someday you'll have a crazy huge drumset!
  • You always point out mama's face mole and then kiss it.
  • You never needed to sleep with anything, but now you have to have your friends turtle, ostrich, J.G., your giraffe friend and now Ellie, your elephant friend. You crawl into bed and point to each one calling their name. "Tutle, J.G., Ostige, Ellie!"
  • You love your friend Brian's bike. Over the course of a month you've gone from simply sitting on the bike, to learning how to petal yourself. You like to ask Mama or Papa to 'Pooosh' you. Grandma and Grandpa bought you your own bike as early birthday present and you love riding it back and forth in the neighborhood.
  • You can't get enough of Kipper. It's such a silly, simple Euro cartoon...but you love it. Each time we log onto netflix, you immediately call out 'OOOOOHHHHH!' and point to Kipper. Well, that or the Wiggles.
  • You are constantly hurting yourself, and with each time, you say 'boo boo!'. and then run to me so I can kiss it. , When Mama asks if you need kisses after you fall, you show her the boo-boo and then press your hurt appendage into mama's lips.
  • You need to dip everything in ranch or ketchup, you like to dip chips in salsa...even when it's hot, and you like dressing on your vegetables. If I forget to place sauce on your plate, you swirl your finger over the food you want sauce and whine.
  • Every morning when Mama goes in to get you up, she ask if you had good dreams. You always say 'yeah'. When she ask what you've dreamed of, you quickly say 'ostige-tutle, tutle-ostige'. Every...single...morning.
  • You love water. You play in the sink, pretending to brush your teeth and then spit, just as mama does, every morning. You love the water table Papa made for you, you love using the water hose and you can't get enough of running through the sprinkler or sliding down your slide into the pool. You also like to wade at the beach.
  • You love buses. Every time you see them you yell, 'Buss!'. If you hear one, you run to the window to find it. Some times it's not a bus...it's a big van or truck. To you, it's still a bus.
  • You are starting so much more. It seems as if each day you yell out another word. You still don't talk a ton, but it's been so fun to hear each new word you say. Though you still don't say milk, you say cheetah! Go figure, silly boy. This morning when asking for juice, Mama asked you to say 'juice please'. You immediately said it and kept saying it over and over again.
  • You are starting to sing and make up your own songs. It's pretty funny.
  • You have started to walk behind people to pat their backs, as if they need consoling. We have no idea where you learned that from, but it's hilarious.
  • You think the sink is where you throw things away. Mama is constantly finding trash and random toys in there.
  • You mastered the art of swinging on the big boy swing and as you sit there you yell for us to 'pooosh iher!'.
  • You love to help Mama in the garden and Papa to do anything. You still love to ride on Papa's back when he mows the lawn.
You continue to make us smile each day. You're such a joy! Today as Mama was getting you ready for your nap, you started bawling. But then you reached out and flapped Mama's lip. You thought it was so funny that you broke out laughing. That embodies you. You're a ray of sunshine. Even when you're sad, you can find something to laugh about. I love that about you. You are going to be such an amazing big brother some day!


Calling all prayer warriors

26 May 2010

Wow...

Well...

I'm pregnant! Seriously. Pregnant. Really? How the heck did that happen? Really? Am I ready for this? Can I do it? This one is going to be really, really hard. I want to be excited. I want to be utterly blissful, but really, I'm just nervous. I feel like I'm about to speak in-front of the world, there are that many butterflies in my belly.

I am excited. I want to talk to Asher about it...but I'm nervous. I called my doctor today to ask when she wanted to start seeing me. I was thinking that maybe she would want to start seeing me in a few weeks...maybe a month. Nope. She wants me in tomorrow. Wow...tomorrow? Really? I wasn't even seen until I was 12 weeks along with Selah...and really with this babe, I may be 10 days along right now.

So all of you, my wonderful friends, I need prayers and good thoughts and well wishes and love and support and whatever good vibes you can send my way. These coming days, weeks, months will be difficult. Really scary. I remember my pregnancy with Asher and it was horrible. I was scared throughout the entire 9 months. From now until I birth this child I'll be filled with joy and fright, but all I can do is hope for a happy beginning come February...though in all honesty, I'm scared out of my mind that it will end in tragedy. Let's pray that I'll hear cries and feel wiggles and warmth, in the cold month of February.

All I can say right now, is that I'm in love again. You may just be a bunch of dividing cells right now, traveling within me searching for a place to attach for your nine-months of development and growth, but I love you already and I'm grateful for this one day that I've been given to know that your mine.

Asher memory

20 May 2010

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Today as you were talking to mama after a timeout about why you shouldn't bang your drumsticks against anything other than your drums, you bent down to hug her leg. When you felt the stubble, you said 'owww!'. You couldn't figure it out. You kept bending down and touching your face against mama's leg. Each time, making a face and saying 'owww.' You tried the other leg. Same feeling. 'ouch!'. You then put your face against mama's arm and seemed to think that felt alright...and seemed to think 'then why do her legs feel funny?' You finally gave up and ran outside.

Yes my sweet, dear son, your mama has scratchy legs some days. Probably more than not. Let's just ignore the stubble and pretend that her legs are beautiful, lanky, blemish and stubble free.

Am I really content?

15 May 2010

Today I felt...I feel, contentment. I can't place it, but I feel it. It came out of no-where and hit me like a mac truck. But it's here. I'm not sure for how long...but it's a welcomed feeling.

Jorai...I miss you so. You are my sweet first born. You were our first flutter of life and I miss you each and every day. You have left an imprint on my heart that will forever be felt. You are my sweet, sweet daughter and I love you.

Asher...you make me smile so hard each day that my cheeks hurt...you also make me want to pull my hair out! You are my saving grace. You are my sweet punkin' pie. You are my son. You are so much. You fill me with joy and I love you more than words can express. You are amazing.

Selah...I've never felt heartbreak as I did when I lost you. You are missed every second of the day. You are my little flower and I know that you're blooming into beautiful colors and song up in heaven, but I miss you and ache for you to be here with me, now and always. My arms ache to hold you my sweet.
I had a positive OPK today. Is this why I'm positive. The seeds were planted...now it's just waiting to see if anything germinates. Could something really happen? Could it last? Could we ever really have another living child?

The thought of becoming pregnant comes with mixed feelings. Feelings of excitement and butterflies surround me...but so does darkness. Pregnancy is easy for us....it's the keeping the wee babes alive, that's hard. I'm not hopeful. I want to be. But I'm not. So this contentment feels strange.
My darling girls, I love you. Never forget that. I would do anything to have you back down here with me. I miss you and long for your laughter. I long to see you running and playing with your brother. I dream of your kisses the feel of your hand within mine.

Asher, if we can't give you a living sibling, know that you are loved so much here on earth, just as you are from Heaven. You may not have your big and little sisters here for you on earth, but one day my sweet, we'll all be together. You will forever be loved my child. More than you'll ever know.
Contentment...what a strange, yet welcoming feeling. Can I really be content. Can I really smile, as I did tonight, and mean it? Fully? Can I miss someone so much, that contentment can be found amid the tears?

Sex talk

13 May 2010

I miss the passion I once dreamed of...and then had while trying to conceive a baby. All the sex planning and ovulation tests, kinda take the fun out of it. I mean it's still fun and all...but I sure do miss the spur of the moment passion. Now all that's on my mind, is ovulation dates and sperm life and pH levels and blah, blah, blah.

I'm just saying. It's all good in the end...but can I get a little passion thrown in for good measure without worrying that it's too soon to be introducing x sperm?

I miss the good ol' days when I was young and ignorant to all the sadness that would encircle us. Blasted sadness. You suck.

Here's to a positive ovulation test tomorrow...and well...ya know...

argh

10 May 2010

Why is it that people decide to open their mouth only to let out crap?

I've been feeling fairly good about my body image lately. I've lost nearly 15 pounds since having Selah and though I'd love to lose 5-10 more, I'm O.K. where I am. I was even able to cram myself into a pair of skinny pants on Saturday. I was so excited.

But then today as we walked into Sawyer's for another amazing breakfast, the seater said 'Just two of you today...well, I guess 2 and a half?'. Ummm...no...there's no half. Seriously? Do I really need someone to tell me that my tummy pops out a little bit? Do I need to have someone remind me of that...do I need to think people think I look pregnant? Seriously?

Why, oh why, do people continually ask me if I'm pregnant? It's like the world is against me some days. And though it's a blow to my self esteem, it's more of a blow to the fact that I've lost two children, would love to be pregnant, and know that possibility of carrying to term is unlikely. Thanks for the reminder buddy and thanks for destroying the good feeling of losing so much weight.

Not such a wonderful way to start my week.


Mamacita's

08 May 2010

I just wanted to wish all you mama's out there a very happy Mother's Day.

I know for some of you, this day is filled with painful heartaches and scorching tears. So for you, I'm sending big hugs and all the love I have, in an effort to ease, even just an ounce of your pain. You are all beautiful mama's and I know, that your babies are looking down at you today as all days, full of pride and love.

For those of you with living children, love each and every minute...even the tough ones. You are all amazing mama's. You are lovers and teachers, discipliners and boo-boo kissers. You are chefs and bottom wipers, storytellers and fort builders. You are hero's and the glue that runs your family. You are loved. I send you all hugs. May you be able to reflect on the joy of motherhood today, as well as relax and enjoy a moment of silence.

Happy Mother's Day my friends. Happy Mother's Day.

Back in the saddle

I did it. I took an ovulation test today. Today it was negative. Tomorrow, positive maybe? Who knows...but as I type this, I realize that if I get pregnant this month, I would have conceived right around Mother's Day. Interesting.

When I was pregnant with Selah, I found two pregnancy tests. I was going to throw them out since I didn't need them anymore...but something stopped me. It was if something down deep, knew that I would lose my child and need those one day. That one day may just possibly be in a few weeks...and that freaks me out.

I think I'm ready for the journey. I'm scared and quite honestly, not that hopeful...but I'm ready. I even almost bought some pajamas for a new baby today at Hidden Treasures...but then I remembered that I only bought one thing when I was pregnant with Selah...a muslin blanket sleeper. Maybe it's bad juju to buy things for an unborn child...maybe it's just bad juju for me. Alas, I put down the cute little owl sleeper, even though I love owls and Asher's room is going to be full of owls soon...and I really wanted it...I left it on the rack.

Well, so here my journey begins...here's to pee in cups and hopeful thinking. Here's to making love and keeping my legs in the air. Here's to anticipation and nervousness and freak-outs and joy. Here's to taking a leap...a leap of faith..or craziness...or love. Here's to the possibility of adding to our family...here's to the hope of seeing another child breath and blink...here's to feeling their warm slimy skin...and even getting peed, puked and pooped on. Here's to giving my son the gift of a living sibling. Here's to watching them grow up together...loving and hating one another. Here's to a healthy umbilical cord and uterus and baby.

Here's to love.

Cheers.

confession of a paranoid mother.

07 May 2010

I still check on Asher all the time to make sure he's O.K.. He's nearly two...and I still worry that I'll find him cold and still in his crib.

Every night before I go to bed, I check on his at least once. I check the temperature of his face and then I touch him until he responds. I rub his forehead and then his back and I tickle his hands...I do anything to get him to respond. Some nights he's sleeping so deeply that it takes awhile for him to move and my immediate response is fear. Last night I stood over him tickling his tiny hand for awhile before it flinched. My heart leapt into my throat.

It's 9am and Asher is still sleeping. He normally wakes up between 7:30 and 8am. Though I should know that he's fine and just needs more sleep, my heart is worried. I shouldn't go in and check on him, but I did. I had to.

I know as a mom, I will always worry about the health and well-being of my child, but I wish I wasn't so worried about him while he sleeps. I wish I was still ignorant to death. I wish I wasn't crippled with fear at times. I wish I could sleep in on the very rare mornings, that he does. I wish I could fall asleep knowing that my child is safe and breathing and fine in his bed, without checking on him.

I wonder if that day will ever come.

My life, through the words of this blog.

04 May 2010

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It seems lately, the comments I seem to get on this blog, especially through my facebook account...since it feeds through, have been a little telling for me. And so for those of you, who don't see me or talk to me often, I just want you to know a few things.

I've always used this blog as an outlet. Until June 3rd, 2007, it was predominately
used as a place to document my walk in this world, as a venting place and silly post space. I would write a witty post every now and then, but in reality, it was a puff piece of a blog for the most part.

When I lost my first child, Jorai, this blog turned into my counseling sessions. Every day...sometimes multiple times a day, I would bleed my soul onto it's pages in an effort to heal. I'm a writer. I've always been. Some talk, some drink, some keep it all in...I write. So I penned all my hopes and fears and tears, down here.

When I got pregnant with Asher, I still used the blog as a counseling session, but there was a small bit that returned a bit to normal conversations. For the most part though, you still had my soul handed to you in nearly each post. And then we had Asher and I poured more memories and photo's into the blog rather than use it as a healing tool. My life had changed a bit. I missed Jorai...but my time was filled with a little boy and I guess my blog reflected that. But then we lost Selah and my world was shocked to it's core. More so than with Jorai. When I lost Jorai, I was gutted. But when I lost Selah, I was shattered. And this blog, returned once more to a counseling session. You still read pieces of me that are silly or I post memories of Asher, but in my life stage right now, I need more counseling time.

This blog represents my life. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve...and now, I feel as if this blog, shares my heart with the world. I never started this blog thinking anyone would read it. But back in April 2005, when I 'penned' my first post, I was addicted. And through the years, especially after my losses, more and more people have tuned in to see what I'll write next. It's flattering really. And I appreciate all the love and support I've gotten over the years.

But lately, I've realized that my posts, at times, scare people. I think they think I'm really damaged. As if I may really need help...that I may not find my way home. And I want you all to know that I'm O.K.. Really. Most days I'm happy. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my life and friends and family. But what needs to be remembered, is that my family isn't all here. There are always two little girls missing...and their memory and my broken heart, collide at times making it hard to breathe. It's in those moments that I pen my thoughts down. It's in my sad moments where I need my counselor. If that makes sense.

See, my life has returned to 'normal'. Or at least my new normal. I go about my day...most days!...with a smile and I'm laughing and I feel and receive and give out love. That's me. I'm not bitter. I'm not mad. I feel blessed most days and happiness surrounds me. But anyone who has gone through a loss like mine, will tell you that you can be going through your day happy as a clam...and then out of nowhere, grief smacks you in the face. It's those times, where I sit down and bare my heart to y'all.

I say this to you not so you stop thinking of me or praying for me or sending me comments or words of advice or counsel or love, but more so you know, that I'm O.K.. I really am. There are just times, where I have to pen it out. I have to write it down. I know it seems strange to think that my journal is on the 'world wide web'...but yeah, I'm that open. And for me. If I can help help one person feel less alone in their grief walk, then all this hell, will be worth it.

I want to thank you all for reading my heart and loving and supporting me through the years. I truly appreciate it. I hope you continue to follow me on this journey. I have loved reading your comments and feeling the love you share with me. So for all of my friends, who read my ramblings, I'm O.K.. I'm battered and bruised and there will be times where I'm busted down crying...but I'm O.K.. My life is stained with tears and torn with sorrow, but it's filled with love and joy.

dreams vs. reality

03 May 2010

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I was thinking about my life yesterday. I was thinking about where I've come from and where I'm going. I really got to live a charmed life as a child. My parents were steady and nurturing and loving. I knew that I could always count on them for both love and support. I had two brothers who loved me, so much. I was doted upon being the only girl and I was so much younger than my brothers, that rather than fighting with me, they protected me. Every day, I felt loved.

I always dreamed of having a family on my own someday. I would look at my family and think, 'this is exactly what I want when I grow up.'. I would dream about marriage and loving someone all my life, with a burning heart. I would picture us growing old and rocking on the front porch of a house we raised our children in. Children...

When I first met Steve I ached. Seriously. It was scary. Anytime he came to my office, I would shake. I never experienced that before. He made me so nervous that I lost all my words. But as we became friends and then talked about taking the next step, I realized that this man was going to be my husband. I knew he would be an amazing husband and I knew he would be an amazing father.

I remember the day after we got engaged, as we were walking down a beach in Florida, I told him that we should start talking about birth control, because I knew I needed to probably get on something before we got married. I knew Steve wanted children in the future, but I never expected his words to be, 'we don't need birth control, I'm ready to start trying as soon as we get married.'. I was stunned. Excited. Not only did I get engaged the night prior...but I then realized that in 6 months, I could be carrying our first child.

That moment was just over four years ago.
I never knew the ultimate joy we would be able to bask in and the all consuming sorrow we would have to endure in the coming months and years. It was only 14 months after becoming engaged, that we lost our first child. In four years we got engaged, married, pregnant with our first child, lost our first child, pregnant with our second who we got to love and raise, and then pregnant with our third child who we lost as well. In four years I've been pregnant 3 times, given birth 3 times and yet only brought 1 child home who was breathing.

What prepares you for loss? Can you be prepared? How do you come back from multiple losses? Or maybe the better question, can you fully come back from multiple losses? I'm back. I smile and enjoy life. I feel blessed to have Asher. But my hope is gone. It's obliterated. My faith that good things will happen to me is gone. Good things may fall upon me here and there, but my every day thinking, is quite honestly...'when's the shit gonna come next?'. And I hate that feeling. But where do you go? How do you reclaim a positive outlook, when the future looks so bleak...when your hope has been crushed time after time again.

And please, don't go all Christian on me. I'm trying here. Really, truly trying to get back there. But until you've been here...lost and crushed and given no answers, a bible verse is the last thing you want to hear...and quite honestly, it all sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown right now...well, at least that's how I feel. I crave to get a relationship back with Christ...but how do you get there when all hope is gone? I know He's waiting there with open arms, wanting me to reach to him...I just can't right now. I will. I'm trying. I just need space.

In approximately nine days, we'll be trying to conceive another child. In a way, I feel crazy. I want hope to come down and slap me in the face. I have none. I wish I was ignorant. But I'm not. Two of my three babies were ripped from my womb, lifeless. The odds are not stacked in my favor. We'll be trying to conceive a boy. Though even the doctors say that the child's sex isn't a factor. I want to be hopeful. But I'm not. I'm just not. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy. But I honestly think that if I get pregnant, it will be hell on earth for as long as I carry the child.

I know this all sounds horrible...but it's how I feel. I want so much to give Asher a sibling. I want to feel a child growing within me again. I want to nurse a infant and watch Asher be a big brother. But I'm truly scared and I wonder if we're making the right decision. Deep down, I know we are...but there's always that dark cloud following over me, reminding me of our pain and what our pain could be like if we lose another child.

My dreams of a marriage and family always revolved around laughter and fond memories. It's so hard to have such bittersweet memories in my life. I keep thinking of Asher and hoping that he loves his sisters from beyond the grave...and truthfully...though I hope with all my heart that he'll be able to hug and pinch and kiss and hit and yell at and listen to and be there for his little bother or sister...all I can think about is how I can keep not two...but possibly three memories alive for him.

I know I'm suppose to wear my life like a badge of honor. But sometimes the badge is too damn heavy for me. Sometimes, I wish I could raise my little white flag of surrender and be granted a few months or years of clemency. Does anyone out there have the power for that? I could use a little break over here.

sweet, funny memories.

02 May 2010

My dear, sweet boy,

Today while enjoying some nursing/snuggly time after your nap, you decided 'share' your milk with me. When I didn't bend down to nurse with you, you decided to try to 'bring' it to me...thankfully mama's milk machine still can't 'bend' or 'stretch' that way or that far!

Later in the day while playing in your new water table that Papa and Grandpa built for you, you decided to wash my legs with your paint brush. When you were finished 'cleaning me up', you ran inside to grab a towel so you could dry my legs!

Thank you for being such a loving, sweet boy who loves to share with and love on me, as well as every one else in your life. You bring me
so much laughter and joy each and every day.

Happy International BabyLost Mother's day...tomorrow!

01 May 2010

To all the beautiful, mama's out there who have lost a child, Happy BabyLost Mother's Day. You are loved and supported and cared for more than you know. I wish these words could wrap around you like a hug. You are a beautiful, wonderful mama and my only wish is that you feel loved and supported every...single...day.

Happy Mother's Day.