here's another weekly installment of asher pictures! enjoy
29 July 2008
i'm one of those people you'd call unorganized-organized. i look organized for the most part, but if you look close, i'm more unorganized when it comes to housework and meal time. i want to be organized. i want to have dinners ready and the house clean and have places for things rather than making new piles every where. so this is my new task. with asher i feel things would be easier if i had more organization in my life. especially when it comes to dinners. dinner time creeps up on me and all of a sudden, steve's home and i have nothing prepared nor nothing at home to prepare...so it's another cheese and cracker night. or rather for steve...chips and salsa.
i want to start sitting down, making simple meal plans for the week, shopping for the ingredients needed and then having things ready for every given day. do any of you do this? if so, does it work? any advice? and if you don't do it...what do you do for dinner time?
also, i'm looking for suggestions for easy but yummy and healthy dinners...i've been experimenting with the crock pot and that seems to help, but i don't have many good recipes...are there any out there?
also, i've never been a person that gets rid of their possessions, when they have a babe, to make room for the baby stuff. we don't have that much stuff anyway...a swing and play mat and vibe chair...but i do what to make more room in my living room, but i don't know how to do it...i think i just want to organize everything. i'm feeling disheveled today i guess.
while your son is hanging out, enjoying his naked time on his activity mat in the morning, and you choose to check your email...make sure to cover his lower body.
if you forget and you look up to find a golden stream arching through the air and landing on the caret, remember that this is solely your fault because you knew better than to leave things unprotected!
in related reminders...while holding, nursing or playing with naked son, don't be surprised if the rumble you hear is followed up by another surprise...maybe it would be best to keep a diaper on...or at least wrap that area with a blanket as to not soil yourself.
remember that the diaper is your friend...use it!!
while at a lansing lugnuts game on sunday i overheard a mother call her daughter a 'little shit'.
when is it appropriate to slap someone upside the head?
what are parents thinking when they call their children names? as parents, we made the choice to have children. and now, we have the responsibility and joy to love them, nurture them, care of them and respect them. where does calling them names, yelling at them, hitting them or hurting them in any other kind of way show them love? how does it nurture them?
some parents really piss me off. i want to pull them aside and talk to them. i want to slap them out of their selfish thoughts and bring them back to reality. i want them to look into the children's eyes and see their hurt. i know some parents only act the way they're taught, but i don't think this is an excuse. the cycle has to be broken somewhere.
i know i'm not perfect. i know i'll probably lose it with my children at some point. but i pray that i never treat them with disrespect. i pray i never call them a name or make them feel unloved.
people, love your kids. nurture your kids. and please don't call them little shits.
24 July 2008
i'm about 4 pounds from my last pre-pregnancy weight. the strange thing is that i look a lot heavier and nothing fits. how can 4 pounds make my pants not even budge past my butt or hips? not even the clothes i bought after losing Jorai fit. well, my jeans pretty much fit, but it's not really jean weather. other than my jeans, i can wear 4 of my skirts and a pair of sweat material capris. that's it. i refuse to buy clothes, because i want to fit into my old ones. but if my body doesn't start changing soon, i might have to.
i want to lose weight and get my body back to about 3 years ago. at least. asher and i try to get out at least once a day on a walk. but other than that, i haven't been exercising. i've been so exhausted. i need to do more, but i also need to remember that i'm only 6 weeks post delivery so i need to relax too. and i think getting to within 4 pounds of my last pre-pregnancy weight in this time frame is pretty good...but i wish it were more. i feel frumpy and saggy and i hate seeing pictures of myself. isn't that sad?!? i shouldn't be concerned about my weight right now. it took 2 pregnancies and 17 months to gain the weight, i should be a bit more patient...but i think the not fitting into anything is getting to me. i don't feel very sexy.
on the flip side, i feel beautiful. i think it's beautiful that i can feed my son...just me. i can feed him any where at any time. just me. and i delivered him. so the stretch marks and saggy skin is a reflection of that. when i look at it, i think of him. i realize that my body needed to stretch to fit him. he is the prize that i won from playing the stretch mark challenge. he's the reward to my baby back race.
so yeah, i feel beautiful, but definitely not sexy. i feel blessed but frustrated about my body. i know it's wrong to feel selfish about my appearance. i need to let it go. i need to work slowly at getting back into my clothes, not rush it, and just enjoy this time...but it sure is hard. i want my cute little body back.
my boys growing. the past few days he's been latched to my breast eating like it's about to run away and sleeping as if he'd been up for days. i get a little awake time strewn in and some fussy 'i want to sleep, but i can't' stuff...but mainly, eating and sleeping.
steve noticed his growth first and then it hit me that he was right. he's heavier and he looks longer. i think we'll measure him tonight, but if the scale i bought today works, he's gained another pound and a half...he's now up to 12.5 pounds! yikers!
he even looks like little man. he's changed so much these few weeks...i can't believe it was only 6 weeks since i birthed him. it seems as if he's been a part of our family for years. at the same time, i can't believe the time has gone by so quickly and how much he's changed in that time. his little body is so much fuller and the smiles and giggles makes him feel so much older than 6 weeks.
i love being a mama to a living baby. it's so amazing. so wonderful. so draining and challenging and all consuming...but mainly, just amazing and wonderful. i've always dreamt of this time. caring for a child. teaching them and loving them and learning myself. what an absolutely wonderful experience. i wouldn't change a thing. and i thank God every day for my little blessing. what a joy.
asher slept like crap last night, which means, i got very little sleep...less than 5 hours. he's still sleeping like crap. he'll fall asleep for 5 minutes or so and then jerk awake...i don't know what's going on. i wish i had the luxury of putting him in the vibe chair, but the batteries are dead. i've been pumping the chair with my foot to produce a rocking motion and he's somewhat out right now, but as soon as i stop the pumping, he wakes. the quandary is i haven't showered in 2 days. i need one desperately. i think i'm covered in spit-up, urine, sweat and poo...more about the poo later...plus i need to get to target to get toilet paper (not related to the poo incident). but i also really need sleep. the only time for me to shower is when ash is asleep...the only time for me to sleep is when ash is asleep...should i go without sleep so i can shower and then go to the store? or without a shower, which will in turn mean that i don't venture out into the land of the living to buy t.p.?
decisions, decisions...i think i'm leaning towards a shower just to make myself feel better...but how do i shower and keep this pumping going so he doesn't wake back up? oh, the trials of motherhood...
onto the poop...
so asher hadn't gone poo for 3 days. i was starting to worry, but my friends and sis-in-law told me not to worry, that it's perfectly normal for breastfeeding babes to go a few days to a week without going...so i waited.
yesterday after my le leche league meeting and a bit of shopping i pulled asher out of the car to see that he was all smiles. more than i've ever seem from him after a car ride. i placed him down to go unload the car when i noticed the yellow, green ooze peeking out of his diaper. i then realized that my arm felt a bit cool...the eagle had landed. and let me tell you, 3 days of not pooping creates 1 mega filled diaper. it was everywhere! of course that then required a bath for him...as you know, mine has yet to come...i do have to say, props to bum genius! i remember my nephew exploding out of his diaper and all the way up his back. with the gusseted legs and back, ashers' diaper kept most of the goo inside. only a small amount made it's way to the outside and of course finding my arm. uk.
wish me luck today both in getting sleep and a shower!
here are the latest and greatest pics...as always to see them in the album, click here.
i keep thinking about God. how He made my child. how miraculous getting pregnant, child birth and the actual child is. most times i look at asher and simply see asher. his beauty. his perfect little body. his chunk that's starting to cover his bones. his new smiles and the sparkle in his eyes. but some times, all i see is God. His majesty. His grace. His blessings. His perfectness. this morning, i see God.
right now asher's asleep on his vibe chair. it's one of his favorite places to be. the vibe is always the first 'go to' when he's fussy. i try to always put a thin blanket over him when he's in it to keep him warm and try to get him to sleep longer, but he always has to have his arms out and free. so, he's in the vibe right now with a bare chest, half covered and content as can be.
and i've been looking at him. bare chested, one arm up, as if holding a sign, the other down by his side. his perfect little face, his chubby little arms and his 2 perfect little round nipples. he's perfect. perfectly made. and i just keep thinking about how this perfection could ever just become? without a god that is...how could my child, my perfect child, ever come into the world just from the joining of a crazy egg and a silly swimming tailed thingy? how could he grow so perfectly within me, and come out, just at the right time? how could all his organs work perfectly, just by chance? with out God, how could all this be possible?
i find it amazing how my son, this almost 6 week old child, could bring me closer to God. but he has. in a way, he's a representation of God to me. he's a small piece of God that i can touch. he was made by the Father. he was formed and given by God. how cool is that?!? i see Him in my son. in his perfectness. i'm just now starting to realize why i love him so much. not only is he my son and my buddy, in a way, he's that small piece of God i've been searching for my entire life. that piece that i've wanted to touch, to actually see, to know He's real...touching my son. seeing him smile...i feel as if i'm seeing and feeling, in a small way, God.
i feel so blessed.
21 July 2008
we've been hitting some milestones over here. they're both exciting and sad at the same time. here's the run down
- i had to pack up his 0-3 month clothes already. the boy's only nearly 6 weeks and he's in 3-6 month clothes. what's up with that? i know part of it's the diaper, but i think the other part is his girth and length. i hated to pack away so many clothes that he didn't even get the chance to wear. but oh well...what can ya do. the boy's a'growin'
- he smiling, cooing and kinda laughing. he gave us a few sporadic kinda smiles here and there but last night at his 5am nursing time, in between feedings, he was super happy and as i was playing with him he kept smiling and laughing! it was so cool. then this morning he was doing the same thing. smiling when i smile or talk to him and then kicking and cooing. i got some video of it. when steve has time, i'll have him download it from the camera so i can post it.
- he took his first shower today. it was awkward. i used a sling for about 2 minutes and then just took him out and held him. he got more rinsed than washed, but he seemed to really like it. i don't know if i slung him wrong or something, but i thought the pouch was hard to get at his crevices and such...plus i wasn't really able to shower with him since i didn't want my shampoo to hit him, and then getting him dried and myself dried was a challenge...i ended up getting him dried, wrapped in a blanket on onto the vibe chair so i could jump back into the shower to shower myself. it was all a bit of a show...but he seemed to like the shower. i'm just not sure how effective it is, although i have to say that we were both showered, lotioned and dressed before noon!
- and the last thing is he's starting to really search things out, follow and reach out for things. super cool. i love the way he searches out steve and just stares at him. i got some super cool pics last night that i'll post in his 5 week photo montage.
i think that's it for now. my boy is growing! it's so cool to see all these changes and to watch him grow, but it's all going so fast! pretty soon he'll be crawling and talking! man oh man...
it's been one of those nights. sleepless. we went to bed at 10:40. asher woke at 2 to feed. went back to bed at 3...and he woke again at 5:20. it's now 6:40 and we're still up. he been enjoying standing, with my help of course, sticking out his tongue while copying me, playing on his activity mat, lounging in his vibe chair, walking around the house...he's been having a joyful time. me on the other hand, am draggin. just waiting for him to fall back asleep. but trying to enjoy this happy, playful time too.
yesterday i downloaded 'sounds from the womb' from itunes, which is over an hour of heartbeats and swishy sounds. it's pretty cool. i'm using that to sooth him right now..trying to lull him into sleep...it's not working.
i have a feeling i'm going to be a zombie today! ugh...at least the little man is happy and content. that's always a wonderful thing.
ooohhh! he just yawned...maybe there's hope!
today was one of those days where i got nothing done. asher was fine, but needed to be held all day and only slept for maybe an hour all day. he was just up. he wanted to feed and be outside and play on his activity mat. he didn't want me to leave him, so i got nothing done. i was able to blog with one hand as i fed him...i had to bathe him since he exploded down his leg, but other than that, nothing got done. i haven't showered, was in my sweats all day, only got 1 meal and you guessed it, never brushed my teeth. i had plans of going to the grocery store, finishing the cloth wipes i started over a week ago, sending out thank you notes, putting clothes away...but nothing got done. i waited all day for asher to fall asleep. i rocked him, pacified him, played with him...nothing worked.
and at 5:15pm, asher fell asleep. as soon as steve came home, he fell asleep! what's up with that? when steve's home, i can hand the babe off...but during the day. i'm stuck with his sleeping patterns...ugh.
so i was able to finally get dressed and brush my teeth at 5:30pm. i did finish the cloth wipes and we ordered pizza, so i got my second meal in for the day. then he woke up as we started the spiderwick chronicles. so now steve's with him outside trying to appease him...i'm not sure if we'll get to finish the movie...
i need to stop planning my days...it seems the days i have things planned, i sit on the couch all day as a milk cow. a happy milk cow! but a milk cow none-the-less. it's a strange trying to appease a 5 week old. running all around trying to calm him, make him happy. nursing, rocking, pacifying, going outside, putting him in the vibe chair, on his activity mat, in the swing, back outside, nursing...
and i wouldn't change it for the world!!! i'm glad i'm home all day with him. i don't miss work. i don't miss my 'profession'. i'm content being a poorly dressed, hungry, slimy teeth, at home mom. it hard work. i'm starting to think it's the hardest profession out there. but the cool thing is that my son could care less about how i look or smell...as long as i'm beside him, trying to make him happy. i'm in the best place, best profession in the world!
disposable diapers are easy. in some ways i miss them. slap them on, they absorb like nothing else, take them off, throw them away and then throw another on...voila...but there something i love about cloth. the environmental impact, the cost savings, the look, the fact that i know i'm not putting chemicals on my child's skin...but they do take time. i have to do a diaper load of laundry every other day. then, because i have pocket diapers, i have to stuff them with the insert. they don't hold as much fluid, though i'm surprised how much the bum genius holds...they don't wick the wetness completely away, but again, i'm surprised at how much the bum genius does wick away...when we take them off, we have to pull out the wet insert, unsnap it and place both the diaper and the insert in the wet bag for laundry...they are more bulky too, so clothes don't fit as well, which is a bummer. but he looks so cute in them! and for me, it's all worth it.
we've tried 3 kinds of diapers...the old school pre-folds, kissaluvs and bum genius. so here's my review...
i think these make a great back-up diaper. they are the cheapest, so that's great. you can get a lot for a little cash...but unless you change the babe every hour, they end up sitting in a crazy wet diaper. i just don't like that. but i do use them for everything from burb rags, to inserts and diapers when needed.
i was really excited to try these. from all i've heard they were rated the best newborn diaper. they were so darn cute and had a little snap to bring down the front for the umbilical cord to heal. but when we tried them, they ended up being a soaking mess. come to find out, we have a 'heavy wetter' so maybe they'd work better for a babe who doesn't urinate so much...but i was really disappointed. plus, asher grew out of them so quick! he was in the bum genius within a week of starting the kissaluvs.
i love these. i'd love to try the all-in-ones to see if i like those. we use the pocket diapers and like i mentioned above, you have to reach inside the wet diaper to pull out the insert for laundry...though the nice thing about pocket diapers, is that you can add more inserts for a heavy wetter or at night time. these rarely leak unless i leave them on too long and they wick away a lot of the moisture which really surprises me. i have noticed that the bum genius tag on the outside of the diaper gets wet...i don't know if this is a design flaw or what, but all-in-all, i love these diapers...although i do wish they weren't as bulky.
well, that's my review and personal opinion. i know every one's different, but those are my thoughts and i thought i'd share.
ok boys...the title was your warning...this is girl talk...continue with caution...
i'd love to breastfeed a girl to see if girls are just as veracious eaters as boys. i've been working on asher's latch. some days are better than others, some less painful, but i'm still in pain. i feel raw. i'm not giving up. i know we can get this worked out. i just feel like he wakes up hungry and angry. he flails his head all around looking for my nipple, it's actually really funny!!, then when he finds it, he sucks so hard i feel as if he's going to suck my boob off. he can almost empty my breast in about 5 minutes with this sucking...which is nice for my time, but as you can imagine, wreaks havoc on my girls!
are all boys this aggressive? are girls easier suckers? do i just have one veracious little boy? my word! i feel like i'm being taken to the milk cleaners. some times we get a really good latch at the beginning, but when he decides to slow down a bit, or maybe it's when my milk starts to slow down, he loosens his latch and wants to only suck directly on my nipple. i unlatch him and re-attach for a better latch, but he lets go and only wants the nipple. argh! boys!
then, it's either a sign he has a gas bubble or my milk is slowing down, he starts trashing his head from side to side, taking my nipple along for the ride. it's not pretty people! he's like a lion trying to rip off his dinner. ouch!
plus to top it off, yesterday he flipped me off twice as he was feeding! he loves to rest his hand on either my breast or his face as he feeds, and when i looked down yesterday, his fingers were curled up flipping me off! i couldn't reach my camera...hopefully if he does it again, i'll get a shot.
anyway, we're still working on things. if anyone has any advice on how to calm down a veracious eater or maintain a healthy latch, let me know! i hurt. i want to feed him when ever he wants it, but i find myself trying to prolong the time between feedings because i hurt...
the lil' man is weighing in at 11lbs! wowza! and he's now 23.5" long...so he's gained 3lbs 11oz and has grown 2.5" since we've left the hospital 4 1/2 weeks ago! no wonder the lil' guy is hungry all the time!
i feel as if he's starting to loose his newborn look which is a blessing, but a bummer at the same time. he's growing and changing so fast. i want to take him all in and never forget these stages. we're taking pictures but i hope i can remember them and keep the memories close to recall.
he mimicked me yesterday. i was sticking my tongue out at him when all of a sudden he started doing it as well. it was so cool. then when steve tried, he said that asher started smiling at him. i couldn't see him because i was holding him...i wish i got to see it. he's also started laughing in his sleep. not quite sure what a 5 week old dreams about that's funny, but it's great to hear a laugh come out of him!
he had his 4 week check-up today. every thing looks great. his jaundice numbers continue to go down. he doesn't have to get checked for 2 months! the doc. thinks that it could take that much time for it to drop back to normal. it only went down .02 in the past week, but she's not concerned. as long as it went down she decided not to do any thing further. yea! we just need to watch him for yellowing.
he's still eating like a champ and waking up twice a night...which i'm not complaining about, though it would be nice to get him to sleep a bit longer! so there's your update. all is well in asher's world.
for those of you who have experienced a pee shower from your child, i give you this...the pee pee teepee. my mom's best friend sent them to me last week. it's a novel idea, but i think they could use some tweaking, like a strap that actually holds them on, but they're nice for the quick change. thank goodness asher hasn't shot up high enough to hit me in the face, but he has soaked his changing table mattress and outfit quite a few times. it's absorbable but i think it keeps his little man warm enough not to arose any urination sensations! i like to use it in his naked times where i'm letting him 'air out'...though i continually have to reposition it, because in his active kicking state, it falls off.
mostly, i simply think the things hilarious and i know he'll kill me in a few years when he sees these pictures, but i can't help myself. enjoy.
in an hour asher and i will set out on our way to meet steve at the park and ride to start our trip to big rapids. we'll be there through friday. it's asher's first trip and my first try at getting all the stuff ready and us on the road! but God rocks and has put a calm in my child today that's unprecedented.
the past few days asher has been really fussy. he needed to be held at all times. as soon as i thought he was asleep and tried to set him down, he started wailing. maybe it was growing pains...but today has been different...he's slept all day with the exception of about an hour where he had some nakey back and tummy time on his activity mat...and throw in a few feedings and changings...but other than that, he's been sleeping! i've been able to get the laundry done, shower!!!, do my hair, dress, pack, make breakfast and lunch and eat it! and, well, blog a bit!! wow! the funny thing is that yesterday i was going bonkers because i felt like i couldn't have 1 moment to pee and today, i kinda miss snuggling with him!
i'm a nut case.
any way, we'll be up north for the next few days. asher gets to see his second concert tonight...daisy mae. she rocks!
enjoy the silence from my ramblings!
last night i saw steve pick up Jorai's picture that sits on top our piano and hold it up for asher to see and said 'this is your sister Jorai, asher'.
my heart was overfilling with joy.
i never knew spit up smelled so horrible. i figured that it was just breast milk...how bad could it smell?
asher spit up on me as i was carrying him downstairs this morn. i keep getting whiffs of the stench. it's really gross. and i just washed this shirt and myself! blasted!
07 July 2008
asher's bilirubin count is down to 13.6! the magic number was 14, so i'm uber excited!! the doc wants another blood draw next monday to double check his levels, but until then, he's a poke-free little boy!!
i'm so excited!!
my son weighed in at 10 pounds this morning. 10 pounds! just last thursday he was 9.6...he gained 10 ounces in 3 days! wowza! his little arms are starting to get rolls. i'll post some pictures soon.
i think he's a good eater!
lately i've really been thinking about friends. i have a lot of friends. not many that i'm super close to, but a lot that mean the world to me. i also have friends that i've met online and my outer fringe friends whom i don't see that often, but who still mean the world to me.
last june, when we lost Jorai, people came out of the woodwork to help us. we were sent gifts and meals and cards. we felt so much love from people. we got support from friends and those who have since become friends.
since june, i've made on-line friends from people who read this blog and from message boards and groups i've belonged to...
since the arrival of asher, i've been reminded of all the people who support us and love us. when i send out pictures of asher, i get comments from people who seem almost as excited for us as we are. it's amazing. and once again, people have come out to deliver us meals. i just feel so loved. it's amazing what a simple meal can do to help someone. and with all the jaundice rigmarole, friends have lent me breast pumps, supplemental nursers and breast shields. we've even had a friend come over to do dishes and clean our bathroom! it's just been amazing.
yesterday i turned 33. i know, i'm old. i didn't do much...but steve took asher outside for a bit so i could shower and do my hair...and i got to pick up the kitchen and house a bit...not as much as i wanted to, but it felt nice to have the time to clean pick a few things up! which i never knew i'd be excited about!! after, steve and i went to houlihans to get my free birthday entree and then went to church. nothing to exciting
but when we got home, i immediately sat on the couch to feed asher when all of a sudden someone walked through our door. it was a couple-friend of ours bringing me a surprise ice-cream b-day cake...which i've never had before and they rock! every 5 minutes or so, someone else walked through our door to surprise me! i felt so loved. it was amazing. a wonderful, beautiful surprise.
i tend to seclude myself a bit...keep people at arms length so i don't get hurt. it's a problem i have. i'm working on it...but at times i look around and feel alone because i don't have many super close friends...but it's times like this, where i realize that i have some pretty amazing friends who love me. i wish i was half the woman as my friend who brought me the birthday cake. she is the most generous, loving and thoughtful woman i know. i hope her generosity rubs off on me! and i hope i can remember all the amazing friends i have surrounding me and let my wall crumble a bit to let more of myself show and be able to let my friends in more.
i just wanted to say how loved i feel and how much i appreciate all of you. thanks for loving me and my family.
i've always had a problem with making decisions about my hair. well, really, about many things, but i especially have difficulty with my hair. i've always, inwardly, wanted to look cool. i feel cool on the inside but i know my outward appearance doesn't resemble how i feel. and then another part of me always wants to be the fashionista, but i'm so far from that goal, it's funny. there's this huge part of me that wants to look pretty and put together and then there's reality, where it just doesn't happen and i end up with crazy hair and stuck in the same outfit for a week. i look at people and think 'man, i wish i looked like that!' but then a new day dawns and, well, i'm still in the same outfit and with crazy hair.
in the mere almost 4 weeks since delivering asher, it's become worse. mainly because i can't fit into anything and the few things i can fit into, i feel real uncomfortable in. and the simple fact that i don't have time to shower everyday, plays havoc on my appearance. my hairstyle isn't easy. i have to wash it, blow it dry and then flat iron it. every day. if i don't, it looks crazy. i've tried all sorts of things, but it just doesn't work. so i either have to leave the house looking like a crazy person, or stay inside. so, i'm looking for a different cut. i have 2 choices now that i've cut most of my hair off already...
1. i could go shorter; or
2. i could grow it back out
i need your help. should i cut it short? or should i grow it back out?
i've found a few cool short cuts i like. if i get them, i'll color it too...probably red and a darker color...black undertones? i don't know. right now i'm just focusing on the cut. so please help me. should i choose one of the the below cuts or wait for my locks to grow longer? would i look ok in a short cut? i hate making these decisions!!!
here are the cuts i'm thinking about...
or...this is the same cut but with different looks...this is the one i'm leaning towards right now...
please help me!!
his levels dropped back down to 15.0! so it's confirmed, he has breast milk jaundice, which of course is super rare. my doc says that most physicians only see this once or twice in their careers. it's most prevalent in non-caucasians...and of course it would be me who has it! what ever...
the cool thing is that it's nothing to worry about. with normal jaundice, a high bili-rubin could cause brain damage and other very frightening things...but with breast milk jaundice, there's no real concern although it can last for up to 12 weeks. i just need to give him unlimited time at the breast, which i already do, to flush out his system.
we started breastfeeding again last night at 8 and he was a totally different boy. all yesterday he was crabby and difficult and as soon as he got some of the 'good stuff' he was his normal cool and collected little man. he slept for 4 hour stints last night had a cool 2 hour awake time this morning and is back asleep on my chest as i type this. he's a much happier little boy...and i'm a much happier mama!
he's getting his levels checked again on monday, but from what i understand, it's just to make sure his levels don't get too high...i'm so much happier...no more tube feedings, no more pumping!!! just normal, as God intended, breastfeeding. good times!
i got 3 hours of sleep last night. 3. i got asher down at about 4:40am only to have him wake back up 6am for another 2 oz feeding. i fed him, rocked him back to sleep and put him in bed at 7 for him to merely wake right back up. steve was up by this time and took him downstairs to rock him back to sleep. he thought asher was asleep so he brought him back upstairs to me and put him in his sleeper. but, he woke back up. i finally brought him downstairs at 7:30am, fed him another 2oz and he finally fell asleep around 8:30. but then i had to pump another 5 oz off me, sterilize everything and then realized that if i was going to get a shower in today, i better jump on the chance while the boy was sleeping.
so i'm clean and i'm going to be fed here in a minute...but i'm still exhausted. i had to shower...it had been a few days...i have to eat to keep my milk supply up...but i have to sleep to function. which do you choose first? i've only been supplementing with formula for 18 hours...and already, i'm exhausted...and i thought formula fed babies slept longer!?!
wow! i just saw a turkey run through my neighbors yard...am i delusional? seriously, a turkey, in holt. and i don't live in the country. maybe i am delusional. a friggin' turkey! crazy!!
oh man, the boy's waking up...i guess there goes breakfast! note to self...breakfast before blogging!
it's 4:24am. asher woke at 2:10ish...and i'm just now getting done. 3oz of finger feeding of crap formula...thanks missie for the fabulous supplemental nursing system! i never thought i'd be so happy to use a tube stuck to my finger. it gives me more hope though that asher won't get nipple confusion!
any way, 3oz of finger feedings, 1 diaper change, 2 rockings, 5oz of pumping breast milk and then sterilizing the pump and feeder for the next feeding in a few hours. i think i'm going to be a zombie tomorrow but for some reason, right now, i'm wide awake...i hope i can fall asleep once i get asher upstairs...
again, i don't know why people go through the hassle of formula if they don't have to. i know they're not pumping, but the craziness that abounds when asher's hungry and i have to take the time to prepare the bottle and warm it...it's not a pretty sight! we did ok this morning, but last night we had a few meltdowns. yikers!
so yeah, it's now 4:29...ugh...better try for some sleep while asher's asleep.
i miss breastfeeding!
02 July 2008
i'm drowning my sorrows in a nice glass of red wine. because jaundice is related to the liver not functioning up to par, i figured that i shouldn't have any alcohol. so other than a taste of beer here and there, i haven't had any alcohol for a long, long time...but since i have to pump now, what the heck.
it's a welcome taste and relaxation that i've really missed.
my son has tasted his first 2 oz of formula. i know now how mama animals can smell when man has touched their young. he stinks. it's a cross between warm evaporated cows milk and sugar. his breath has always smelled so wonderful. he has always smelled so wonderful. but right now, it's nauseating. i know it's probably my anger towards the fact that i have to take him off my breast for at least 24 hours and take away what God intended him to eat. let alone, take away our bonding time of mama and babe every 2-3 hours. but he does stink. of course i'd never reject my child as an animal would...but i can see their point. my sweet smelling baby now smells like man made crap.
i hate this. i hate that i have to pump and i hate that he's no longer getting the best nutrition. i hate worrying that he'll reject me after this is done. and i hate losing our closeness every few hours. let alone the difficulty of cleaning the bottle, warming the formula and then pumping and storing my milk. why people would choose to do this, i have no idea. it's hard work. all i normally have to do is whip it out. he cries? i lift up my shirt and voila, lunch is served.
i know i'm being crabby. i'll only have to do this for 24-48 hours, hopefully. but i'm just mad. his bili-rubin jumped up to 16.6. another whole point higher. i don't understand how it can be increasing. the physiology doesn't make sense to me. i just what this to be done. i want him to be healthy. he seems healthy. he doesn't seem like a jaundicy baby. they're suppose to lethargic and not want to eat. he has tons of energy and loves to eat. it just doesn't make sense to me. but what ever. i'll give him this crap for formula and we'll see how things go. i just hope he doesn't reject me tomorrow or friday when this is done. that's one of my biggest fears, that i'll have to give up breastfeeding and give my child formula.
observed talents in the brief 3 weeks of my sons life:
more to come...he just had his blood drawn. pray for a number lower than 14...please...
01 July 2008
the p.a. didn't think we have thrush. she thinks that i'm just tender and tense and maybe not letting down quickly enough for my little ravenous eater...the spot in ashers' mouth is not thrush but the diaper rash looks yeasty. which i guess is common to have a yeast rash without thrush. so, she did give me some cream for that.
i don't know, we'll see how things go in the next few days. surprisingly, he was eating better this morning. feeding about 15 minutes on both sides. he was a sleepy eater, but a eater nonetheless. plus at the doctors office, we found out that he had gained another 2oz from yesterday...so i guess he's getting enough of the good stuff.
maybe i'm just a basket case of a mama. i think i need more sleep.
we're going to the doc in an hour. asher's no longer eating well. it's strange. he was eating fine yesterday afternoon and then the evening hit and he stopped. he tries, but after 5 - 10 minutes, he starts grunting and tugging back and forth until he pulls off...which doesn't help my soreness. and since he's not eating, he's not sleeping. i got about 3-4 hours last night. so, we'll see what the p.a. says. our doc is off today.